Telling my adult son is a dilemma for me, too.  My ex, like yours, is still closeted.  I no longer care that the people with whom we both worked (professors in the same small academic department) know the truth, as I have retired, and I told all the people I care about there before I left.  But I do still care very much about my son knowing the truth about why we left beyond what I said when I moved out, which was "there's an issue of your father's that is his to tell you about; I told him I was going to say this to you, and he said that if you ask he will say "some things are private" and won't tell you."  I wish at the time I had done what I wanted to and told our son the truth, but my ex browbeat me into not doing so (it felt like a huge thing to stand up enough to him to tell him I was saying what I did say). 
I am now just over a year divorced, and moved out six months before that. 

What I am finding is that the longer the status quo goes on, the more not less difficult it becomes to tell our son.  Telling him now is also made more difficult because my ex's sister, the only one besides me to whom he disclosed his secret, offered my son money for his education. Now I worry that if I disclose, I will be putting my son in a tough position; if his response is to distance himself from his father, even for a time as he comes to terms with the information, he will seem ungrateful (nor can he really afford to lose that financial aid from his aunt).  And, of course, I don't know that my son even wants to know.  My feeling right now is that when my son graduates next year, I will take him aside and ask him if he ever asked his father for the truth, and tell him I think it's important for our own relationship to be carried out with honesty, and that I want to tell him the truth.  Then we will see what he has to say, and I'll try to make the best decision from there.  
  I realize my situation doesn't help you in your own decision. But if it were my son, and he were actually asking questions, I would tell him the truth.  You should not have to carry the burden of your ex's secret and the further unfairness of the untruth that you "left Dad."  
    I firmly believe, and time has shown me, that anyone who is going through this now should be aware that telling the truth as soon as you know it, and not protecting a spouse's secret, is although very difficult at the time, also very necessary--for everyone's sake.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 23, 2020 5:58 pm)

Hi there, 
For me, I have two children and at first I never planned to tell them the truth about their Dads fifteen year long double life of sleeping with men and prostitutes. I was devastated and I wanted to protect my children from the truth and reality of what their father did. I only told them that we tried to work it out and we had to separate, later divorcing. Over the next few years my children did well but obviously didn't understand WHY a perfectly happy couple separated... I took an incredible self development course called the landmark forum and discovered amazing things for myself that helped me deal with my own grief but what I decided for myself ( about 3.5 years after the initial discovery) was that I, myself as a woman/mom/person will NOT be a liar to my children anymore. The question if/when to tell them is a great question and my answer would be WHEN you're no longer telling them from a place of anger or to get back at him. I had done my inner work and was feeling good about myself again, so when I sat my children down to tell them, it was easy, it was transparent, it was FLAT. I was really telling them from a place of commitment to have a relationship with them where we were honest, loving, and fully self expressed. I actually remember starting the conversation with the reason WHY I was now telling them what I was about to tell them.. I said I realized that I actually have been carrying a lie with me, and it no longer works for me or serves us to have this between us. What I'm gonna share with you may be shocking and Im here to answer ANY questions you have about it. I shared with each of them how when Daddy and I broke up, It was because I had caught him sleeping with men and prostitutes and that's why I left him and we couldn't be married anymore. They asked some questions and I answered them matter of factly and my children are OK! The truth was, I want to be the kind of mom that my kids can come to me to speak about difficult stuff. I want to be their safe place, and I realized I could not offer that to them if I couldn't give them that openness and honesty in return. It allowed my daughter to understand and get closure as I didn't realize she of course couldn't fully understand, who could given only that little information, which wasn't accurate. Also.... our children, like all people are also picking up on things vibrationally, energetically right? So even though we say one thing... People can tell its' not entirely true and that actually causes even MORE confusion... That was all laid to rest when I shared my story with my children. One reason I didn't tell my kids at first was to protect my ex husbands reputation in the world, with his own family and his kids. It took me 3.5 years to realize HE DID THIS! Not me.. HE PUT HIS REPUTATION on the line here, not me. I was carrying HIS burden, HIS secrets and they were heavy. Now, its not like I went and put out an advertisement for what he did, but between me and his own children, YEP I cleared the air, I created something beautiful for my kids where now honesty and openness and truth showed up. and after telling my kids it allowed me to open up to a few more of my friends who I didn't tell, and could not possibly show up to support me as I wasn't telling them anything. People were shocked but they could only help when I actually told them. From a woman who worked through it all powerfully 6.5 years later ( and it took me a long time, and there was a lot of work to do)... DONT CARRY HIS BURDEN ANYMORE. 
 

Happy Now, what you said--"Don't carry his burden anymore"--really hits home to me.  I carried my ex the entire time of our marriage, and even before.  And then I carried his burden while I was married to him and he remained closeted.  And because I didn't tell my son the whole truth when I left his father (my story is a couple of posts above this one) I continued to carry it.   
This subject is timely for me, because about a week ago I was able to see my son again after I've been living elsewhere for four months.  We met for dinner, and during our dinner, I asked him whether he'd ever followed up with his father.  He said he hadn't, because from what I'd said, it seemed unlikely my ex would tell him the truth.  I said this was probably true, and said that I would be happy to answer any questions he had if and when he wanted to ask them.  He said he appreciated that, and that he wanted to know, but not now.  I said I respected that, but I also believed that it was important that I have an honest relationship with him, and also that knowing the truth might explain some things about our family life that I know have bothered him, and that at some point I want him to know the truth.  We left it with "he'll ask."  
   I consider this a step toward the whole truth, but I'm satisfied with this for the time being.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 23, 2020 6:10 pm)

Happy Now, thank you.  My God I am in disbelief that there are so many similar stories here..current too!  What is wrong with this world?  I hope to gain some courage and strength through this..I pray I pray I pray..

So... Because of this thread I had a chat with my soon to be 15 year old daughter and posed the question to HER about when/if a parent should tell their children. 

We are 6.5 years post discovery and I told my children (daughter was then about 12 and son was about 22 after dealing with it alone for the first 4 years. 

My logic was I wanted to do my inner work and work through the trauma of it all because I was a complete and utter wreck and I was so afraid that it would destroy the relationship between my kids and their dad, and as much pain as he caused me, I didn't want to do that to my children..

So... From a 14 year old girl, soon to be 15 she said how I did it was absolutely perfect.

1, I did the inner work first. I researched support groups and therapy and got the support of family and friends and most importantly I found something I could have faith in. For me personally, It was self development. I took courses and seminars on my inner journey and I was gentle on myself. I got myself BACK... I found (and I had to dig deep) my inner self. That kick ass powerful, bad ass woman I use to be a long long time ago. When she started to come back and my confidence grew I put all my energy into that, into me, into my healing and becoming my most powerful self.

2, Then I told my children. I told them from a place of love. I told them that the REASON (very important) I was telling them was because who I am as a Mother is someone who wants a relationship with them that is honest, we don't keep secrets, we have a foundation of integrity. I told them this would be the hardest thing Ive ever had to tell them and it will be shocking and they may have lots of questions over the next few weeks and I am here to answer all of them. (MATTER OF FACTLY)... All my emotion around these events was gone. I was flat about what happened and I felt only from that position could I effectively be a support for my kids. And, I told them I needed them to know that I was and I am OK NOW. What he did really sucked and its why we got our divorce but that I am ok and I will still live a great life. My kids took it SHOCKING WELL. I couldn't believe it, but when I look back its because of HOW/WHEN I told them.

3, To this day neither one has ever had a conversation with their dad about it. He has never come clean to them, never excepted responsibility for destroying our marriage and our family life. And strangely enough ( as much as you can have with someone who is a liar and you know it ) my kids both actually have a pretty great relationship with their dad.

I have moved on with my life. I choose to be happy. I stopped being angry (For myself, I needed to) and I created a life that was full of things that make me happy. 

I have done the work. 
It wasn't easy at ALL.
I poured hours and hours and HOURS of good stuff into my brain. 
I found life coaches online and dating experts (because they teach amazing tools for women even outside dating about FEELING GOOD AS A WOMAN) and I grew as a human being.
I took the Landmark Forum (offered all over the world) and learned how to put my PAST into my PAST and stop blaming him and living being angry at him because I wasn't able to move on while I was doing that.

Be mad as F**K for awhile, you have EVERY right to be. 
But at some point, any point you choose. Stop being mad, and START living an amazing life again.
YOU DESERVE IT