OnMyOwnTwoFeet wrote:

 

I read your post at 5am this morning OMOTF. I'd woken from my bed (the couch) where one of us has been sleeping for the last 3-4 weeks. Mostly him because of my neck & shoulder pain but I am aware he's the breadwinner and pays for this apartment so sometimes he gets the bed. 
I don't know if it's the fact I read the statistic "a certain number of MOMs break down after 3 years" and whether or not I've used that stat as a measure but here we are...it'll be 3 years in mid-Feb, and I have nothing left to give him. 
Like OMOTF there was a period where my partner was distant, off-hand, unusually dismissive. Couldn't understand why he looked at me with scorn and said things that were meant to hurt. THAT time was the base for everything that followed, but I only realised this about a year ago. So when I say it took awhile for my head to catch up with my heart.....I'm so glad I let that self-awareness come through and saw myself for the codependant I had become. 

The man will never admit he's more than bisexual....still claims it's only 5% of who he is and he's NOT GAY! and I'm over talking about it to somebody who refuses to admit, as a man who said maybe one day he'll be fucked by a man (vomit)....that he's more than bisexual. 
And yes trust. I will never fully trust a man ever again. Because even though I knew he was bisexual I thought he would place me, and our long long time together before anything else. 

Sexuality? He can now have it all. He can write somebody else long emails full of his gay fantasies. He can chat to all the other middle-aged married men who live in a dishonest closet

Elle

Note; I am 100% straight. I'm the only one who truly knows it
 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (January 30, 2020 2:01 pm)

I am a woman who just turned 30. It’s very hypocritical of me and I am probably one of the reasons for toxic masculinity (without intending to be) but I do watch lesbian porn and I have no interest (100% no interest) in being with a woman. I don’t find vaginas to be anything I want to be around. I do however, like that lesbian porn can be more sensual and about the woman’s pleasure. However the idea of a man looking at gay porn freaks me out. I know this is a double standard but I’m being truthful. I think my whole life I believed that men were just chasing women around and I always felt like I was desired and then when my GIDX Of 6 years was on Grindr I kind of went on this tailspin and realized maybe I was wrong about that. When I describe my ex to people they genuinely believe he was bisexual bc he initiated sex with me all the time and always seemed very into it. IMO this is hard for me to accept. I consider myself a straight woman (despite the porn) and I don’t understand bisexuality. I hope I don’t get crucified for my comment. I’m only being honest!

Feelinglost wrote:

I am a woman who just turned 30. It’s very hypocritical of me and I am probably one of the reasons for toxic masculinity (without intending to be) but I do watch lesbian porn and I have no interest (100% no interest) in being with a woman. I don’t find vaginas to be anything I want to be around. I do however, like that lesbian porn can be more sensual and about the woman’s pleasure.

A lot of introspection may be in order here. These were the excuses my wife made as well, both to me and herself, along with others, until she recognized her bisexuality. So, I suspect that your take doesn't fully describe your case. For example, I would be very surprised if there isn't even a single woman in film that, say, you don't merely "admire" for their beauty, but actually find sexy to you and get excited to see with a little less clothing on in a film.

The fact that you don't want to or feel uncomfortable with the thought of doing some of the things you see in the porn would be, if I had to guess, a question of context, risk assessment, self-image preservation, shyness, and a number of other valid and common reasons that everybody basically has for not living out their porn fantasies. If I enjoyed watching gay men porn, I would be participating in the fantasy of it happily. If I had the real life option, though? I think the concern for STDs, pain, trust, confidentiality, reputation, recognizing these people as actual persons, cleanliness, emotional bonding, ego, jealousy, relationship fallout, and a thousand other brakes would stop me - brakes which I don't have to worry about in a fantasy land (either in my own mind or the fantasy produced by the pornographers). Still, to say "I have 100% no interest in sex with men" would be simply wrong if I got off on it without the real world implications.  I would just have 100% no interest in actually doing it in the real world, where things are complicated. 

For the record, I have no interest in either arousal fantasy or real world gay sex, which is why I chose it as an example. In fact, I actually lose all sexual drive and physical arousal if a gay porn clip comes on. Personally, I think that does indicate something which distinguishes me as being less sexually attracted to men than another man who seeks it out for sexual pleasure.

That's just my take. I expect fantasies, physical arousal, cognitive arousal, behavior, and named identity to all align, otherwise it seems like some sort of dissonance.

Last edited by UserNada (February 3, 2020 9:43 am)

Feelinglost,
I'm the same way!  I watch lesbian porn well all kinds but not attracted to women what so ever. 

I agree Anon, straight is straight.

If you aren't straight you don't know what it's like to be straight.

I know none of us are genetic scientists but we are quite happy to acknowledge that we get everything else from our parents - hair colour, eye colour, body shape, habits quirks failings talents - so I think the closet is inherited from a parent along with being on the non-straight spectrum.

I know that was the case with my ex - it's a whole way of life.  His father once said it was like shooting fish in a barrel - I was no fun because I was too easy to fool.



 

Last edited by lily (October 8, 2023 5:13 pm)