I guess I'm an aberration after all! Sorry, but I'm straight. Not into women. Don't fantasize about women. No interest in experimenting with women. That's my reality. I stand by what I said too. Definitions matter. Truth matters. Straight is straight. Gay is gay. Bi is bi. I guess that's not sophisticated enough for you. I notice you ignored Lily's question too. But I suppose neither of us knows what straight women are like. We better go read your article again so we can accept 'your' reality. Nah, think I'll pass.

Steve wrote:

Unfortunately if a straight woman on here admitted she had an occasional lesbian fantasy she’d be told she wasn’t straight. I know how it works.

It entirely depends on what you believe it means to be ‘straight’. If being ‘straight’ means that a bisexual or lesbian thought has never dared enter your head then yes... you are correct. That’s how ‘straight’ women think.

I think this makes it pretty clear. And I think it was also pretty clear that Lily was asking that if you consider yourself a straight man then do you have sexual fantasies of other men. If you don't, then why would a straight woman? It's a pretty straightforward comparison. Why is a woman saying she is straight and not interested in other women not valid? Why is it that you saying that you are a straight man more believable? I suppose if you consider yourself a straight man but have same-sex fantasies then we're just not in agreement on our views of the world. Fair enough. But it seems especially cruel when so many of us get the 'it's only a fantasy!' and the 'I'm not gay' lines while getting played with emotionally and it turns out that no, it's not really a fantasy and no, you're not really straight and then we are left devastated by this fluid new reality. Sorry, but this discussion makes me feel very raw. I probably seemed pretty rude. I was upset. But I'm straight. I know it and I don't like feeling like my reality is being messed with anymore. Feels too much like the experience that brought me here in the first place. I'll bow out of the conversation with that. Best wishes.

I am beginning to regret posting anything. I was not intending to start a controversy or take over the thread with my own story. I will clarify a few things, since I have managed to do this, though.

At this point, my wife and I both agree that she is sexually aroused (physically and cognitively) by women sometimes. However, this is not nearly as frequent or generally as strongly as her arousal towards men. She says she doesn't actually want to have sex with a woman in reality or fantasize about it in her mind, and wouldn't even if we weren't together. She has yet to "crush" on a girl she knows. She has seen women and felt that feeling we all know of that isn't mere admiration of someone's beauty, but their "attractiveness." Further, if she were to watch lesbian porn, it would very likely "work" for her on any random day. That said, straight porn would work better. Label these facts however suits you.

To clarify, I didn't tell her what she is. I explained my opinion of her actions and her own explanations of her thoughts and she recognized it as being more truthful and complete than her own explanations/justifications she gave at the time (which were vague, not very introspective, and refused to acknowledge that she was attracted to these women). In a very real way, I think she was simply not contemplating why or what she felt. Once the truth was known, other incidents of female attraction (no physical experimentation or sex act) from her past (going back to her teens) came back to her recollection.

I love her. Every day since I found out has been a struggle for me. Seeing the hundreds of stories of seemingly fine marriages (sexually active, joyful, loving, and stable) that end when the woman can't suppress her desires any more and it ends in divorce, open marriages, hedonistic relationships, and so forth, just cannot be ignored by me. These stories make me feel like a guy in a guillotine where the rope holding it up is being licked by a flame. It is hard to read that what I discovered about my wife when she was 34 is what many bi women discover about themselves at 37, announce at 39, and then act on by 40. It makes me feel like I just got ahead of the curve and could now be in a position to prevent a disaster.

When we talk about what to do going forward, she says it would be no sacrifice at all for her not to engage in any sexual act, fantasizing, or masturbating to women. It is an itch she says she doesn't feel and she says she has never felt like she has been repressing this feeling at all. It is just an occasional and irrelevant aspect of her sexuality that doesn't need satisfying in order for her to be perfectly happy with me. I would like to believe this, as it is the key to this whole situation. It is hard to believe this, though, as this perspective on women makes 0% sense to me (I want women, can't stop from thinking about them, and notice them as sexually desirable every day [of course, I won't act on these desires while married and am now even coming to see porn as acting on them]). I mean, how do you find women hot and not think about having sex, fondling, or kissing them (I can't do that, or at least not since I was about 10)? If you don't know this about yourself or don't have this aspect of your sexuality worked out, how do you know much anything else about your feelings of love or sexual pleasure?

I want to be with my wife. That much is certain. I am just scared and, frankly, just sad.

@UserNada  Hey don’t worry about creating controversy. It’s normal around here. Our experiences are different. Our opinions are different. That’s ok. 

It sounds like things are starting to settle with your wife. That’s great.

@ Paraceleus.  As you have seen ‘straight’ means different things to different people. For some it’s “I haven’t had a gay thought in my life” and for others it’s “my preference is for people of the opposite sex.”

To me asking “is anyone 100% straight any more” is like asking “Is anyone 100% Christian anymore?” It immediately begs the question “Well... how do you define ‘Christian’?”  It may seem obvious to YOU what a Christian is but I might not have the same view.

So you can see where the controversy comes from.  But hey... we’re all adults right? We can have these conversations right? We don’t always have to agree. It would actually be pretty boring if we did.

Last edited by Steve (January 29, 2020 12:46 pm)

Steve, much as your one-liner response to me was totally worth the laugh it gave me I agree with Whirligig - you didn't answer my question.

Nada, Whirligig and I have all stated we are only interested in the opposite sex.  ie straight.

Paraceleus has said he doesn't think straight is the de facto standard and is more of a rarity than he imagined while you seem to be wanting to say it doesn't exist at all and never has.

My belief is that straight is our original de facto model.  I believe this because it fits the basics of procreation and because of the powerful emotions involved.  But I agree with Para that it isn't the standard any more.  I think there are less and less straights in every generation and that's just plain mathematics.  My belief is that tipping point is somewhere around now, give a generation or two - I think there still were plenty of straights in my generation but more than gay?  idk.  We grew up in a society that is based on straights tho, again another reason to think straight was once the norm.

Intersex is bubbling to the surface these days - people who at a chromosomal level are both sexes.  So at that point I agree with you, Steve, it is too complex and the straight/gay divide breaks down because how can an intersex person tell if they are same or opposite sex attracted.

But up to that point it holds fine.  From my experience, my whole-hearted 100% opposite sex attracted observation is that a straight needs a straight.