OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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- UserNada
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Re: Are any men/people truly 100% straight?
Steve,
I don't need your help putting on my "big boy pants". I wasn't operating under the false belief that she confronted me with her own realization. I admittedly probed her own comments and she basically realized she was bisexual after I realized it for her. I know this knowledge (at least at this moment) is my own fault. However, there is no reason to doubt that it wouldn't have come up in some other way in another five years when she did or said something else that indicated it to me or found herself attracted to another woman in her life. She hid her sexuality from me and herself (however one does that) and now we know. I would happily not know anything about it, if I could be sure it would not come up again in any way in the future and to "forget" would only postpone the inevitable.
I am seeing a therapist. The immediate response by her is that trust counseling between couples generally cannot be done on an individual level, as trust is a couples issue. It has occurred to me many times that my wife seeing me cry, feeling confused, being suicidal, asking her questions, and needing therapy could all "drive her away from me" because, despite her own opinions of herself, she actually doesn't find it attractive or desirable. She says she understands and isn't going to lessen her love for me as a result of my taking this the way I have. So, I am left with needing to trust her on this level too, or not. It is insanely tempting to just pretend this never happened, pretend I don't know this, and just suppress all my feelings about it...but that sounds like it will result in a worse situation than we are in now. Besides, now it is too late to just act like it is no big deal. I have already responded to this trauma as a trauma (because it was personally very traumatic). I don't usually get emotional or upset about things. This, however, hit me like being told I had incurable cancer. It is hard to just "oh. how about that? Where do you want to go for dinner?" after hearing it. Please don't blame me for having an emotional response to news that, based on the numerous stories here and elsewhere as well as probably half a dozen couples I know personally outside this network (before I even found out), frequently preludes divorce, open marriages, cheating, resentfulness, loss of intimacy, and other terrible situations.
I want to move forward with her. I cannot perfectly control how I react (usually very viscerally) to this information and its implications. I am trying, though.
Last edited by UserNada (January 28, 2020 8:20 am)
- lily
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Re: Are any men/people truly 100% straight?
Watching lesbian porn is a very strong indication that it is women she is interested in.
I think you are being wise, Nada to keep your eyes open and work out what is happening in your marriage.
and yes it is traumatic, very painful - entirely normal response!
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Are any men/people truly 100% straight?
UserNada wrote:
.....
I want to move forward with her. I cannot perfectly control how I react (usually very viscerally) to this information and its implications. I am trying, though.
So Nada....this is where you start moving forward.Sometimes for every 1 steps forward you may take 2 back..but keep moving forward because the strength in all this is not standing still
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Steve
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Re: Are any men/people truly 100% straight?
Yeah i shouldn’t have put in the ‘big boy pants’ part. Too easy for it to be taken the wrong way.
Anyway...
There are people on this forum who think that as soon as there is the slightest whiff of bisexual smoke that you should burn your house down and run for the hills. That is their opinion or their experience but it is not everyone’s.
Your wife has admitted to having a fantasy and you are extrapolating that to ‘one day she’s going to leave me’. All I can tell you in response to that is that millions of women fantasize about all sorts of things every day and DON’T leave. Sometimes this view doesn’t mesh well with the moral panic that is evident on this forum sometimes.
It was a fantasy and human sexuality is complicated. If she loves you and you love her think very carefully before you throw it all away over a fantasy.
Just my opinion.
(I tried to search the board for more of your story but due to it not being very searchable and my being on my phone I couldn’t find much)
You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up.
- lily
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Re: Are any men/people truly 100% straight?
you know what Steve - watching lesbian porn is not a fantasy. Imagining you are watching it would be a fantasy.
Imagining what you'd like to do is a sexual fantasy, who you'd like to do it with is an indication of preference.
I have had some pretty exciting fantasises about doing it with a man but never once thought of doing it with a woman and I believe this is the norm amongst straight women.
- Steve
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Re: Are any men/people truly 100% straight?
So if I watch an orgy in porn I’ve actually been in an orgy?
Interesting
Unfortunately if a straight woman on here admitted she had an occasional lesbian fantasy she’d be told she wasn’t straight. I know how it works.
It entirely depends on what you believe it means to be ‘straight’. If being ‘straight’ means that a bisexual or lesbian thought has never dared enter your head then yes... you are correct. That’s how ‘straight’ women think.
Last edited by Steve (January 28, 2020 3:32 pm)
You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up.
- lily
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Re: Are any men/people truly 100% straight?
No of course you haven't. You have been watching a film.
Do you seriously think we are hiding our lesbian thoughts and sexual fantasies? Are you harbouring homosexual thoughts and fantasies? well are you? Do you ever think wow Brad Pitt, he can have me any day of the week, .. and I know just what I want him to do..
well you know what, I have never fantasised about Brad Pitt either but I have never fantasised about any woman either. I can appreciate another woman's beauty, I can love a woman friend but no, I have no thoughts of fancying her at all.
not to say I don't feel respect for a lesbian if she does me the honour of showing she is interested, but I'm just not reciprocal on that level. It feels like such a mismatch.
- Whirligig
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Re: Are any men/people truly 100% straight?
Kind of the definition of straight is that you aren't interested in the same sex. Not sure how that equals a moral panic. It's pretty much the whole reason the boards exist. We exist. We've had issues with same-sex attracted GID people in intimate relationships who have lied to and hurt us and need support. It's why we are here. Sorry if that's a shock. If you have no problem with your partner being bi, or pan, trans or whatever then good for you. Carry on. It doesn't mean UserNada has to feel the same. His wife may be a perfectly nice woman who will never want anyone but him despite being bi-sexual. That doesn't mean he's not allowed to have concerns. The MOM section might offer him more in terms of advice and support from those trying to make it work but that's kind of why it's there too. Doesn't seem particularly controversial to me.
- Steve
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Re: Are any men/people truly 100% straight?
Awww c’mon... you’d have sex with Brad Pitt. You’re not fooling me for a second.
Last edited by Steve (January 29, 2020 2:50 am)
You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up.
- Steve
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Re: Are any men/people truly 100% straight?
I’m standing by what I’ve said. Sexuality is complicated and is becoming more so as bisexuality and homosexuality become more widely accepted.
It’s not a black and white world any more (it actually never was) and I know that sucks for people who find it easier or more convenient to live in a world of moral absolutes. A world where there’s just two teams... straight or gay.
Fact is there’s a real world out there. A grey world. A world where some people fantasize and might even experiment. Statistically this is especially true for young women.
So what cha gonna do Straight Spouse Network Public Forum? Throw every marriage under the bus as soon as someone admits to a fantasy??
I’m as mad as you are about cheating, deception, gaslighting, unsafe sex on the down-low. But fantasies?!? I mean jeez... how you gonna test for that??
Last edited by Steve (January 28, 2020 10:40 pm)
You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up.