Bubbledeed wrote:

.....Does the betrayal ever go away?

 

No.....it's fact isn't it? It may become less important though, like any trauma that happens in our life.
My situation is different to yours I still feel this Bombshell has meant
I've evolved and strengthened so the betrayal doesn't hurt so much but it's
there, it happened....and I see it as the chance of change it offers me. 

 

Bubbledeed,
     You are at the beginning of a long process of realizing your husband is lying to you and manipulating you while seeming to come clean.  Make no mistake: he's wants something, and what he wants is going to require you to go along with it.
   I'm calling bullshit on his "couldn't" tell you earlier because he was "in denial."  Let's subject that to some scrutiny, shall we?  He didn't tell you because "it didn't seem important"?  To whom?  Him?  If your husband was spending time online creating an online persona of a woman that he was invested in to the extent of getting a credit card, wouldn't you have found that important to know about?  He told you that he was involved in this community for 20 years.  Online, conversing with multiple people, creating a virtual female persona.  Role playing as the woman he would like to be.  20 years of activity does not remotely equal "in denial."   What he wants now is to bring this virtual person into your actual life.  What other reason could he have for telling you now, after 20 years?  It sounds good, it sounds convincing, that he was "in denial"; it's what he thinks you will accept.
   A person who has spent 20 years of his life hiding from his wife and everyone else around him has developed a lot of warped personality traits and has lived a life of duplicity.  This is not going to change.  I would be extremely wary about the credit card, because I will bet my bottom dollar he got it in order to use it, and that he got it so you wouldn't know he was buying women's clothes and cross-dressing in secret.  

  Even if you're inclined to go to therapy with him, which I frankly don't recommend, because 1) marriage counselors have "saving the marriage" as their goal, and what you need right now is someone to support you while you deal with this bomb your husband has dropped into your marriage, and 2) you may end up with a person who will try to convince you that you need to tie yourself in knots and "accept" your husband, please please please get YOURSELF an INDIVIDUAL therapist, one who is trained in trauma.  

  As to the fact that he doesn't want others to know: he's fine with exposing himself for years to strangers online, any number of whom could have found out the truth, but didn't want you to know.  He doesn't want others to know.  Did you ask to be yanked into his closet?  Of course not.  I can tell you from experience that the worst thing you can do now is to isolate yourself with him in his closet, especially if you're also being subjected to pressure in counseling.  Isolating a person in a relationship is a tactic of abuse, and it prevents you from getting any outside perspective on what is going on, the result of which is to normalize what is not normal--like the proverbial frog in a pot of water heating up to a boil.  
      As Kel used to tell people here: Run like your hair's on fire.  

At the first sign of anything more than this, I will be out, I assure you of that.

I do appreciate all of the support and advice. I do want to try to make this work, but I very much appreciate your cautions and warnings. I did tell my husband I wasn’t comfortable being in his closet and that I needed people to talk to and he said he completely understood and that it was ok to talk to anyone I needed to but to please ask them to be discreet. So at least he is not trying to isolate me.

I know lots of you have had awful experiences that begin exactly this way and that does make me frightened and wary. But as of right now I’m not willing to walk away from ten years of marriage unless something more happens. I’ve drawn my mental line in the sand. If this is only the beginning of something more, I’m done. And if that’s the case I imagine I’ll know within a few months. If he has an ulterior motive it will probably come to light as he comes out and tells people things.

At least that’s my hope.

Bumbledeed....OOHC is right

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Even if you're inclined to go to therapy with him, which I frankly don't recommend, because 1) marriage counselors have "saving the marriage" as their goal, and what you need right now is someone to support you while you deal with this bomb your husband has dropped into your marriage, and 2) you may end up with a person who will try to convince you that you need to tie yourself in knots and "accept" your husband, please please please get YOURSELF an INDIVIDUAL therapist, one who is trained in trauma.   

 

My partner agreed to couples counseling but then refused to go because he didn't like the feeling of being under a microscope. That told me he was more interested in himself than us. So I have my own. I can't afford to see her every week (though I did at first) but she is important to my recovery and growth