I don't think Rob is saying not to snoop - far from it.  He's saying that the fact that you feel there is a need to dig further means that she is fostering suspicion - the things she's doing is driving your need to snoop.  You are not just a snoop because you're snoopy in general.  She's driving this.  You have every right to look into what's bothering you.

Kel

Steen wrote:

Rob,
I read your resonse on another thread;
"but I knew when I was snooping it was over... people that love each other do not create a situation where one has to snoop.  " 

I agree to some extent. I have been adviced the same before, 
still, I would like to "fight" for more. To find out. For truth first.
And, not to end it on the wrong assumptions, right....?

This reminds me (painfully) of one of the biggest points of contention in the 6 tense months before she finally came out of the closet.  She slowly began to hide her phone from me.  At first it was changing the passcode and when questioned she had some bogus excuse about security at work.  Then she would change it frequently.. then she changed the notifications that came up so that they didn't display any of the text messages.  Then she changed it to not say who the text message was even from.  She would only check the messages when she got up to go to another room.  Then she started hiding her phone in her closet at night.  

I told her that it was unacceptable for her to be hiding her phone from me.  She gave me a guilt trip about not trusting her.  My response was (and still is) that there shouldn't be any secrets between a married couple and just the action of hiding her phone tells me that she is hiding something from me.  Just that posture of hiding something was proof enough.  

When I finally had the chance to dig.. I found the truth and it was a sword into my heart. 

But I'm glad I now know the truth.  I can rebuild my life and find someone who I can trust someday in the future. 

If you don't trust your spouse, you're not in a solid marriage.  

Try letting your phone battery run out and ask her if you can borrow her phone to make a call.  Ask her what the passcode is.  If she won't tell you, then she's hiding something on that phone.  

It's not OK to keep secrets from your spouse.  
 

Steen,

Snoop  ..definitely snoop.  But when you find out what is on the phone etc..it will only shock and hurt you..it won't make things better.  For me it changed nothing.  It just messed with my mind and caused me to shake  because I knew what she was doing.   The utter horrible betrayal crushed me... I was as white as a ghost.   
But then I (you) could not live with her hiding the phone and sneaking around either..  

I'm so so sorry but if you feel it in your bones and shes taking her phone to the bathroom with her shes hiding something she doesn't want you to know..    not what marrriage is about.

So so sorry .
 

Last edited by Rob (September 21, 2016 9:16 pm)

Wow, the more time I spend reading this forum, the more I realize things about what happened in my own marriage.  Just wow... 

My wife would allow me to have sex with her.  But very rarely did she initiate it or actually seem passionate about it.  What strikes me this moment is something that I probably knew subconsciously, but never really put words to. Of those few times that she would initiate sex, many or most were after she had been out with other women that I feared she thought of as more than friends.  I guess I know now that she was turned on sexually by these women and would allow herself to "outlet" that desire on me.  Of course at the time I was dumb and happy that I was receiving her attention and thought I was her desire.  Heck.. i would encourage her to go out with these women because I seemed to be rewarded by it.  Wow..  I'm so stupid!

Just one more parallel.  I'm constantly amazed that the experiences I thought were completely unique to my life have such similarity to others.  

Thank you for sharing that Ynadin.  The more I learn the more it answers those nagging questions and helps me understand and move forward. 

Last edited by lostdad (September 28, 2016 11:47 am)

Ynadin

No as I look back I don't see a lot of signed of the gayness.  Maybe the fact that I always had to initiate but no.  I saw lots of signs of narcissism though.

Don't beat yourself up...we gave true love..our spouses did not..they lied and deceived. It was sickening to read the utter contempt she had for me..she and her girlfriend saying bad things about me.  But I was so kind.

We're divorced now and I can't tell you how relieved I am to be away from her plotting scheming. 
Not what we signed up for.