Hi Bob,
The Ted Talk makes some sense, our brains have created neurological pathways over the years based on our experiences with our spouses and it requires a rewiring of sorts. And the feeling of loss gets you to replay memories.   

I can relate to the memory piece as well. My photo app on my phone likes to show me pictures from
10, 5, 2, and 1 year ago on “this date” and it is typically a picture of my wife and kids before she came out as a lesbian. With the various holidays, the photo app notices are much more frequent. I look back on these various moments fondly, appreciate them for what they were at that time, and know that I will always have those moments because they happened and they are mine to cherish. It is also a reminder to me for how much I have lived for my family and I really don’t know who I am without them. 

 I agree that we are in a similar boat and share a lot of commonalities. Both our wives discovered at a later point in life that they are lesbians and when they did they had a tough decision to make at that point time. They could keep the discovery concealed, hide it from us and proceed forward living a lie until someday at a later date revealing it to us. Which would hurt more and layer the situation with deceit and betrayal. Or when they discovered this and were certain of it,  we were the first people they came to share it with. They were looking to be honest and truthful with us. It was important for them to be honest with us because they love, care, and respect us.   I sense that your wife like mine struggled with this discovery and knew the consequences of sharing this news and the impact it would have - on the marriage, child or children and other family members - And feels pain, shame and guilt for the ramifications it is causing.  I know my wife loves me, our children and our life but discovering that she is gay leaves her feeling she has missed and is missing a big part of who she is. With her discovering that she is gay everything makes sense to her from her childhood through the present day. She cannot honestly say that she doesn’t want to pursue a lesbian relationship at some point in time and has admitted that if she recognized that she was gay before meeting me that she would have been with a woman instead, but it is a hard thing for her to process because she is married to me and has children. She is scared, frightened and feels a tremendous amount of guilt. But also doesn’t regret meeting me, our marriage or anything we achieved together. 

 Being the straight spouse, my orientation hasn’t changed, I love her and I don’t want my marriage to end, but I see us separating and parting ways - in a similar fashion to yours. When she is eventually ready, she needs to pursue a lesbian relationship. I will need to eventually recover and seek out another heterosexual relationship when I am ready. We’ll find the best way to separate, remain friends and co-parents. I can’t write this without feeling nausea. It is soo hard and freakin’ painful. The feeling of loss and grief ...  With the state that my wife is in, she leans on me for support and if I am struggling on any particular day, it impacts her, her feelings and anxiety and it amps up her guilt. I am trying to be strong and supportive of her through this process and I am putting on a brave face to my kids every morning after a night of not sleeping… The whole thing is just chuck full of pain. 

 I don’t doubt that when your wife met you and married you when she was 21 years old she loved you then and still loves you now. This self discovery places her in this strange dichotomy that she is working through. Unfortunately it has significant implications for you and your marriage. But utilizing love and kindness you and your wife are going to work through the separation with dignity and respect for one another and maintain a deep and close friendship. In doing so, you are going to model the dynamics of a healthy love for your daughter. At this moment (in despair)  your true character is on display for your daughter and you are going to show her that you are an amazing man and you will set the standard for what she will find acceptable in a future relationship for herself. Bob it hurts a lot, but you got this! 

In closing, I like your gratitude list and the descriptions made me smile. Health is key!  If you have your health and your family has their health you can weather anything thrown your way. There is an Asian proverb that says Health is Gold. I am fortunate to have my health as well as the health of my family's too.  All the best!  

Last edited by MC (December 12, 2019 11:35 pm)

I'm glad you made it through Christmas and can look ahead more positively to this new year. If both of you are committed to making this separation and divorce fair and civil bravo but I do suggest that you consult separate attorneys and financial advisors to make sure no important details are overlooked.

Next year if you are in your own place consider doing some decorating for Christmas and start some new traditions. It will make your place welcoming for your daughter and it you are like me, will make it more cozy for you. My ex never decorates as far as I know and when our adult children are in the area they stay with me and not at his man cave.

Best wishes to you and everyone here for 2020.  

 

Hi Bob, 
The holidays are tough and I can relate to the experiences and feelings that you outlined. Over the past few weeks, I found myself drinking more than usual and staring at the warm glow of christmas lights in a quiet house late a night contemplating the future. The advice from Abby and Lilly are helpful and remind us that we will come out the other side, in time. 

Remember on the tough days you can endure this. Heartbreak is a human condition and as such it makes it humanly possible to handle (no doubt it hurts!). You can and will rebuild from here. It is not the end, but a new beginning. Be well and all the best for 2020!  

And wishing everyone on the forum a great New Year too. I am grateful for the SSN.

itsabouther...love that Winnie the Pooh quote - To get where I’m going, I start walking away from where I am. I need to remember that. TGT has turned me into Eeyore some days.

I am 3 years out from a divorce. It still hurts, but a lot less. I am getting over it.

I know you all with recent breakups will become stronger every day.

(Edited because I picked up the thread in the middle; my original post would sounded weird.)

Last edited by MJM017 (January 6, 2020 8:45 pm)

Bob, 
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, as it has many similarities to what I am currently going through with my husband of less than a year. I was worried coming here because I saw a lot of completely justified anger and frustration in a lot spouses, and very few like you who are experiencing something so upsetting without the feeling of betrayal. The way I've explained it to some family and friends was that I wish I was mad and angry, because I know how to be angry and maybe that would make this easier to process.

Although we are still young (both early 30s) and been together about 11 years, so much of your emotions ring true to me right now and I thank you so much for sharing. It helps to know I'm not entirely alone.