Bob I can relate to your story. I have been married for 15 years and have two children and 5 weeks ago my wife, who is also my best friend came out to me. I haven't slept, poor appetite and struggle to focus at work. I don't have a social network to tap into and feel alone and isloated. The news from your spouse turns your world upside down. It is a lot to navigate. Reading your post encouraged me to create an account and reply to your post. You are not alone and there are others with a similar experience and many who can relate to not sleeping, eating and struggling to focus.  

Last edited by MC (December 5, 2019 11:28 pm)

Hi Bob,I could relate to every line of your original post. Like you I was only recently informed of this self-discovery and when my spouse shared with me that she was gay she didn't have a next step other than to inform me.  She knew the news would have implications for us and our future together, but because we are close (i.e. best friends), open and honest with each other it was important for her to share this discovery once she was confident in it. We have discussed many components of this and in general terms have talked about the future, but haven't dug too much into future conversations about separation and divorce. To be honest, I am probably not ready for it. And I haven't minded that the conversation hasn't been discussed in greater detail, but I also recognize that it will likely lead to separation in the future.  So I understand you saying you see a couples counseling guiding towards parting amicably. I haven't had the chance to research it much but I did come across Mixed Orientation Marriages and need to take look at the various types of arrangements that are possible under that umbrella. We talk about remaining best friends longterm and remaining in each other's lives. She doesn't see the likelihood of someone coming into her life that she loves more or feels closer to than me and reminds me that I have a 15 year head start on anyone else (as well as being parents together). Through this process, we have been able to talk and share with each other and there is a feeling of genuine love between us. In these past few weeks, we have grown closer to one another despite many difficult conversations.  I have been trying to find a therapist/counselor for myself for a few weeks and I have encountered some challenges with getting an appointment (a long comical story that involves health insurance) because this news turns my world upside down. I am disoriented ...My hopes, dreams and future plans all evolved around my family and my household - being a husband and a dad are central to me. "I" don't know what "I" would want without my family. I am going to have to learn to live for something else (of course I will always be a dad). But I love my family and want nothing else. So I know this news puts me on my own journey of sorts. We haven't discussed couples counseling at the moment and haven't seen it as an immediate need because we have been communicating very well, but it could be something we pursue in the near future, especially as we fiugre out how to tell the kids. To go back to the previous post about not sleeping, eating and lack of focus, I would add that I have also found it easy to cry during my commute to and from work as well. Seeing your post and hearing your story has been really helpful Thank you for sharing.

My wife an I have had many very deep, challenging and honest conversations over the past week.

She has identified that she does not think a mixed orientation marriage will work, or is what she wants. She says that what she wants/needs it to be independent to learn who she really is.  Because we got married young (I was 22, she was 21), she feels the need for self exploration.

At this point, she says she has no desire or intention to actively seek another relationship. However, she does say that if she ever thinks she is going to pursue another relationship, it will be with a female.

We have agreed that this sucks for our family, but we want to proceed in a way that is loving, respectful and will allow us to maintain our friendship and be there for our daughter.

We are now living as "separated, but living together as best friends".  She has moved to our guest room.  We are going to continue having frequent, honest conversations.  Our plan is to keep this arrangement through the holidays and then do a deep dive into our finances and come up with a plan that allows us to separate with the least amount of financial strain on either of us.

One of the things that we both have been able to do over the course of our relationship, careers, and parenting is to be able to remove emotions and focus on being pragmatic when faced with big decisions, or challenges. We are using that approach right now.

We don't feel couples counseling is needed at this time, because it is becoming more and more clear that we will never be a "couple" again.  I am however still seeing my therapist because I'm a hot mess.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have almost zero social support network.  I even quit Facebook a couple of years ago because I found it more annoying than anything.  I'm closer to her family than I ever have been to mine. I'm terrified of being a hermit after we separate.  It also doesn't help that I'm turning 50 in January and was already a little depressed about that!

Anyone have any tips on how to start building a social network at this stage in the game?  

Also, any idea how long the hurt lasts?  Prior to this, I hadn't cried since my grandmother died 30 years ago.  Now I cry unexpectedly and frequently.

Damn, this sucks.

lily wrote:

I took up playing bridge.  At first it was just the anodyne of distraction.  For two or three hours I would feel no pain and I kept doing it because I realised it was a good social activity and psychologically interesting because you play in partnerships.

50 is a great age.  Nature walking, if you like it is good both socially and individually.  Try and connect with an old friend who remembers you from before the marriage.  It will help remind you of how you were back then.  You are likely to find that you have lost in confidence not gained.  Let yourself be a hot mess.  Cry all over the carpet.  It won't last.  Slowly you sort yourself out.

50 is a great age.  you are likely to find a woman you really can have a good relationship with.  At 50 you have a chance at being certain yes this is a good relationship, or no I am bothered.  Be picky!

For me it was almost immediate and I fell in love like a crazy thing and then his wife who had left him changed her mind and came back and that was that a few short weeks later and years later I am still knocked out by him but you know what it is great to have the experience.

 

Lily....you have such good advice
 

Hi Bob,

Glad you are still seeing a therapist. That will help you and help you get back on your feet, get established and prevent you from becoming a “hermit.” It hurts right now and it hurts really bad. And it will probably hurt for a while. But all things in life are temporary and someday the pain is going to be much more tolerable and it will lessen over time. In the meantime just accept what you are feeling and how others have stated in this discussion if you need to cry then cry. Feel it. In terms of the duration, I think it is simply going to take time.  I have no idea for how long because the pain is still incredibly intense for me too. I am not sleeping much.

It is completely normal to be feeling the way that you do. I am in a very similar situation at this very moment myself. My pain is raw and I too have been crying a lot. Grieving and feeling hurt at insane levels.  I just came off a pretty bad week. My spouse just informed my in-laws of her orientation and it initially didn’t go well and I found myself supporting them with their shock, disbelief, and grief. I also found myself defending her and attempting to convince them that this wasn’t some whimsical decision out of nowhere. I was presenting a case for the very thing that I do not want (oh, the irony).

Like you I don’t have a social support network and dropped facebook a few years back. I am estranged from my parents who are divorced. One parent doesn’t know where I live and the other would have a hard time telling you my birthday. My inlaws were the closest thing I had to family until I had to put some space in the situation because I didn’t want to be in the middle of their relationship with their daughter. So for this past week I just became even more isolated with less people in my network.   

Ultimately trust that everything will work and you will be ok. It is particularly painful period right and for the near future. There are still a number of challenging conversations to have about separating but you are going to work through it and come through the other side. You will make it and there is no reason to think different. The future is uncertain, but the upside to that is nothing has been determined for you and you will have the chance to influence it.

In terms of social network you are already building it. Come January we are celebrating your 50th birthday if it is through this forum, email or a phone call. Your not alone! Keep doing the best you can. I am anticipating the holiday season to be difficult. My children do not know the status of their mother or our relationship and my daughter has a birthday soon. I am putting on a brave face, masking my pain from them and continuing to keep my wife’s news a secret. It is definitively tough.