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1 - OJECPOMCO
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It is time and I'm guilty
First, apologies if I drop all my issues here. Asides my aunt, this is the only support I have.
So after the new job I began this month. I have been shortlisted for an expat in Rome. I am hoping to begin in February.
Current situation - I still live with my GIDH. We do not actually share a bedroom, I sleep more in the kids room but sometimes sleep off in ours. Things are better, kind of. Reduced financial abuse but still no intimacy. He has been terribly busy lately.
My dilemma - I am supposed to act as if all things are good. Then accept the Rome job and leave the country. But in reality, that is not 'me'. I am not comfortable with acting as if things are good. It makes me feel like a fraud. I always seek for emotional connection with people around me, sometimes I let my guard down and talking about life issues. Now i feel confused, could this work? Am i being harsh? Am I even leaving because I want a career advancement? Would i be able to cope in a new city, country and language as a single mother?
Last edited by OJECPOMCO (November 18, 2019 12:13 am)
- Abby
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Re: It is time and I'm guilty
Yes you can! You are being given a wonderful opportunity so don't reject it. When things aren't right in a home the children know it. The present situation is untenable and it will affect how they view relationships.
Work with an attorney where you are so you can wrap up any legal matters that need to be resolved before you relocate. You won't need to fake that things are good when you are at peace with your decision.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- OJECPOMCO
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Re: It is time and I'm guilty
Thanks for the confidence Abby. It is just that we do not quarrel anymore. So I am wondering on what premise I would be leaving the marriage. No intimacy like I said. December would be 365 days without sex. And maybe 2 kisses. I just chilled out after the last quarrel and we settled into the routine. I do ache for more in my life. But we are not quarreling now. So what would i say is the reason for leaving?
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: It is time and I'm guilty
Congratulations on the short-listing!
It is my experience that one of the manipulative tactics employed by the closeted (or by those who are more or less open but for whom we function as plausible deniability beards) is this state of "stand off," in which they don't bring their sexuality up, and because they have made our bringing it up so unpleasant for us, we don't bring it up either, but simply settle into a relatively quiet and tolerable routine....until we cant, and then we blow up--and we are made out to be the "bad guy," and blame ourselves for making a problem, when the reality is they have made the problem, and they have compounded it with silence.
No one can tell you what the solution is for you. Only you can sort out what is your desire and what your fear. Only you can sort out what the pressures are on you as you make this decision (cultural ideas and your socialization around women's roles, family, legal status, etc). If you really want to leave and divorce but are afraid you cannot make it on your own, I can tell you that I, at least, stayed for several years because of this fear even though I had a professional job, with a good salary and benefits, but that in the year and a half I have lived on my own I have managed my affairs quite well (but yes, there was a lot of grieving to do). But I am not you, and I don't live in your society, and only you can make the decision for yourself.
You have options. You could use this job abroad as an opportunity to divorce. You could use this job as an opportunity to come to an accommodation with your husband, agreeing to live apart but stay married. That decision will depend on whether you believe you can stay in a marriage knowing that intimacy will never be yours, whether he can engage in a reasonable discussion with you, treating you as an equal human being with needs and desires equally important to his.
You could simply use this job abroad as an opportunity to get away for a while, and to see where your life takes you and develop personally and professionally.
Last, I would like to repeat something I read that I found hard to accept at first, but grew to believe: you don't need any other premise to leave a marriage other than "this state of things is not acceptable to me." Living in the limbo of mutual co-existence, or a mutually understood (if not explicitly agreed on) stand-off, has the effect of making us think that rocking the boat of relative domestic peace (no quarreling) means we are out of line--but remember what the source of the problem is, because that's where the problem really lies.
PS: What happened to the married man?
Best to you.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 18, 2019 8:55 am)
- Abby
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Re: It is time and I'm guilty
You would be leaving the marriage for a career opportunity. Any legal work would be to protect your rights while you are gone. The decision to divorce or not is a bridge perhaps you can cross later.
I know I sound cold but I lived with "Don't ask/don't tell" for decades and when he finally came out and left me I discovered that there was almost nothing left of "ME". I have rebuilt myself but the older I get the more I appreciate that time is something that can't be regained.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: It is time and I'm guilty
OJECPOMCO wrote:
I just chilled out after the last quarrel and we settled into the routine.
Me too. I can't summon the will to argue because it always ends the same. Which is why I lined my ducks up in a row. All I have to do now is take it all to the lawyer. I want to have covered myself legally before we have....or I intentionally start....another *discussion*
I reckon having those legal processes in place puts me in a stronger position if I need to action them.
A new job...that sounds scary but exciting. Imagine it's 2 years in the future, and you didn't accept the job. Where do you think you'll be? Will you regret passing up the chance of a whole life change?
KIA KAHA
- OJECPOMCO
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Re: It is time and I'm guilty
PS: What happened to the married man?
Best to you.
A very long story. I told my aunt. Surprisingly, age wasnt a factor for her too. She guessed like you all that he wants to keep a double household. Me and his wife. I have not come out straight to tell him. But I have asked that all sexual and intimacy talks and innuendos stop.
One event opened my eyes though. That weekend that he attended his wife's family reunion with his brothers. You cant be on the verge of separation and doing that.
Anyway, I have struck him off my heart. He does give good career advice though. And he was useful in reminding me what it felt to be wanted by a man again. It kind of gave me hope and ability to dream of love again.
Last edited by OJECPOMCO (November 21, 2019 7:46 am)
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Thread Starter- OJECPOMCO
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Re: It is time and I'm guilty
I just chilled out after the last quarrel and we settled into the routine.
A new job...that sounds scary but exciting. Imagine it's 2 years in the future, and you didn't accept the job. Where do you think you'll be? Will you regret passing up the chance of a whole life change?
I am scared dead. But I am also excited. I graduated in April and have been on the interview process for about 4 months. This institution is huge and if i pass it up, I might never forgive myself. Except a better offer comes.
But I am worried about being lonely. Being with just the kids. I did while studying but then at the back of my mind I had a companion.
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Thread Starter- OJECPOMCO
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Re: It is time and I'm guilty
Congratulations on the short-listing!
You have options. You could use this job abroad as an opportunity to divorce. You could use this job as an opportunity to come to an accommodation with your husband, agreeing to live apart but stay married. That decision will depend on whether you believe you can stay in a marriage knowing that intimacy will never be yours, whether he can engage in a reasonable discussion with you, treating you as an equal human being with needs and desires equally important to his.
You could simply use this job abroad as an opportunity to get away for a while, and to see where your life takes you and develop personally and professionally.
Last, I would like to repeat something I read that I found hard to accept at first, but grew to believe: you don't need any other premise to leave a marriage other than "this state of things is not acceptable to me." Living in the limbo of mutual co-existence, or a mutually understood (if not explicitly agreed on) stand-off, has the effect of making us think that rocking the boat of relative domestic peace (no quarreling) means we are out of line--but remember what the source of the problem is, because that's where the problem really lies.
This manipulation you talk about is real. VERY REAL. All of a sudden, i turn from being the victim to being afraid to voice my needs. I gave up requesting for intimacy this year. I focused on us getting help. Now i am even afraid of bringing that up. Mainly because I am afraid of hitting up the house. I am also afraid of raising the issue of divorce. I feel like I am mentally screwed. My aunt believes once i move out again in the guise of a job, i will regain my earlier notion that i want finality from the marriage.
I do know for sure that I want I loving union. My GH and my father-in-law makes it seems like it is too much. Sometimes, I really wonder if there are marriages that begin and end without intimacy. But I crave for it and I am sure that is not a bad thing.
NB: The new job has also kept me very busy and occupied. It lifted my thoughts out of depression. Now the thoughts of being financially independent is so enticing. I can't wait to receive my first salary at the end of the month.
Thanks to SSN, I know my life seems unsure and dim now, I do however look forward to being able to tell my story with joy one day.
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: It is time and I'm guilty
Your aunt sounds like a very smart woman, and it's good you have her in your corner. She's right that when you're immersed in the situation you can't get the needed perspective. I would listen to her, and lean on her when you can. Once you're out of the house, on your own, in a different country, it will be easier to find the strength to start making strides toward divorce.
Glad to hear that you have opened your eyes to the what the older man wants--a bit on the side. If your goal is a loving marriage, you were not going to get that from him. Just be careful that his career advice doesn't come with a price, or that he will decide to exact a price on your career once he realizes you are serious about no sex.
Your father in law is interested in protecting himself and his son from an open understanding his son is gay. So don't ask his advice and don't listen to it, either. You know it's tainted, so you can brush it off.
All the best!