This is a long story and I appreciate anyone who is willing to read to the end and offer some advice or hope.

I have been in a relationship with my now husband for 6.5 years.  I met him one year after separating from my ex-husband and thought he was the most amazing guy I'd ever met.  He's tall, handsome, has a great job, beautiful house, well educated, smart, funny....and I think gay.

When we started dating I thought everything was normal and fine.  For the first three months we had a lot of sex, he bought me lingerie, we had sex in the pool and on the kitchen table (his idea).  He wanted a commitment very early in the relationship and would call his house "our house"  and his friends "our friends"and talk about our future together a lot.  After 3 months our sex life stopped like someone flipped a switch, it went from whenever we saw each other to once a week, then once a month.  He still seemed physically interested in me, touching my breasts, butt but nothing really beyond that, cuddling and hand holding.  I thought it was strange and brought it up to him several times but he dismissed it, said he was getting older, blamed other stressers in his life, said we would work on it etc.    We didn't live together, I lived in the next county over with my kids most of the week and stayed with him when my kids were with their dad, usually 2-3 days per week.  
After about a year the emotional abuse started when he moved from one house to another across town and I was helping him move.  Everything I did was wrong and he would tell me that I have low quality standards in my life and don't know how to take care of things, or that I am too emotional, or that I just wasn't good enough (as I was helping him move).  It got better a few weeks after he moved into his new place and he made a really big deal out of involving me in choosing paint colors, furniture, etc. so I thought it was just the stress of the move.  He also took me on a big vacation for my birthday so that helped me to justify his behavior.  Our relationship continued and we had a lot of ups and downs, he would still go through phases where he would randomly be highly critical of me but it didn't last that long and he would be sweet and loving in the recovery phase.
Three and a half years ago I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and my dr felt like it would be a good idea for me to change my birth control because of the hormones involved, I had also filled out the paperwork to get my tubes tied (he wouldn't consider a vasectomy).  I switched from the Nuva ring to a birth control pill and used a diaphragm with spermicide for the 2 week window that I wouldn't be protected.  We rarely had sex but sure enough, it happened when I was ovulating so I took the morning after pill on top of everything just to be safe.  (I definitely think there was user error involved in the diaphragm situation, that's not an easy one to figure out friends.)  Of course, I got pregnant and my first instinct was to terminate the pregnancy as I already had 3 kids from my first marriage, was 39 and had thyroid cancer and we didn't have what I'd call a very stable relationship.  I am not pro-life but at the end of the day I wanted my baby, regardless of my partner, regardless of the circumstances.  So 10 months and a thyroidectomy later my son was born.  We didn't live together during my pregnancy but when the baby was 3 months old we decided it made financial and logistical sense to move in together.  My oldest daughter had decided to live with her dad, so I moved the baby and my 2 other kids into his house in the next county.  When I got pregnant we stopped having sex altogether even though I begged he said it was dangerous for the baby, not a good idea, etc.  Living together went really well initially so six months after moving in together we decided for financial and logistical regions that we wanted to move our family back to his home state, we had been living in California and were seriously impacted by the 2017 fires and the cost of living was outrageous.  We found a beautiful waterfront home in Washington that cost less than the condo we had been living in in California, it felt like a dream.  We got married in our living room right before we moved and it was actually really special, we more or less got married for tax and insurance reasons but I did think we were in love too.
After we moved, he changed.  He went back to the mode he was in during the first move and was constantly criticizing and disparaging me, he made the rules for me and the kids in our new house and those rules were non negotiable.  I insisted on marriage counseling and was constantly threatening to move back to CA if he didn't stop.  It did get better and the counseling helped, we had a lot of other challenges in our lives including kids, me not being able to find work in the new town, child care, etc and we continued to have a lot of conflict over those things and his controlling behavior.   About a year ago I found a prescription for Cialis in his overnight kit that he takes with him when he travels back and forth to CA for work, the pills were in an unmarked bottle and the only reason I knew what they were is I had seen them before.  I didn't say anything about the pills, we had only had sex twice since I got pregnant with my son (2.5 years) and I knew he wasn't using them with me so I decided to watch the pills to see if he was taking them on business trips.  I watched the pills intermittently for 6 months, then sure enough about 6 months ago he came home from a business trip without the pills.  I confronted him and he told me a long story about ED and low libido and that he had used the pills to masturbate before a meeting to relieve stress.  A few days later I logged into our health insurance portal and saw that he had been filling multiple prescriptions for Cialis every month for the past year, he said once again porn and masturbation.  I know he watches straight porn because I have walked in on him doing that and masturbating, so I accepted it as a plausible explanation but told him we needed to find a way to get back to having an intimate relationship.  He said he wanted that too and that we would "work on it".  I told him I wanted more out of sex than what had been the routine for us which was, always first thing in the morning, no foreplay, he would just wake up with an erection and boom.  I told him I wanted oral sex, touching and that if actually having intercourse was too much pressure we could just fool around.  He said that sounded good so I started to try to initiate things with him which he generally ignored or casually put a stop to.  I would lay in bed and touch him and kiss his neck, rub his penis and he would stare straight ahead and not even look at me.  When I confronted him about that once and reminded him we were supposed to be trying he told me the reason he didn't want to kiss me back was because I had bad breath from eating some garlic hummus.  He also was very critical of my underwear-which I found strange because my underwear are generally clean, nice, not ostentatious but I like pretty panties.  I think he may have been referring to my period underwear but he told me he's a very visual person and he couldn't have sex with me after seeing "things" in my underwear.  We went on a vacation back to California over the summer while my kids were with their dad and we had billed the trip as a time to re-connect, so I was excited thinking we were finally going to have some intimacy.  The first night of the trip I tried going down on him and told him it was ok if he didn't get hard I just wanted to touch him.  He didn't get hard and I stopped after a while and he said thank you, no offer of reciprocation, no touching on his part.  The second night I did it again, that time he did get hard and said he liked it but the erection only lasted a few minutes, he did half heartedly offer to reciprocate but I declined out of self consciousness.  I did not try again and we had a big argument on the way back about it, he once again said it's because he has ED and has no interest in sex.  He got really angry with me for even bringing it up, said the more I talk about it the less likely it is to happen and can't I just be satisfied with what we have?
I decided to table it and work on our friendship and partnership and enjoy spending time together over the summer hoping that would make a difference.  Since finding the Cialis a few months prior I had really been working on me, I lost the rest of the baby weight, I'm self employed and worked on growing my business, getting my older kids dialed in, creating boundaries in some of the toxic relationships in my life including with my partner.  I felt like that was going to make me more attractive and more loveable, I really thought it was me.  We had sex once in August before my kids got home from their dad's, same program as before, morning, no foreplay, he didn't have an orgasm and neither did I but I felt like it was a start.  Fast forward 2 months and things had been pretty stable, we were enjoying hanging out together, enjoying our house and family then right before my birthday in October I hit a wall.  I started to feel hopeless about ever having an intimate relationship again, it had been over 6 months since we decided to work on it and basically nothing had changed.  I confronted him about it again and again, he got angry with me and told me that if I didn't stop pushing it was never going to happen.  He said he was going to talk to his dr about getting new/more ED medicine and we would put it on the calendar, or have a keyword, that it needed to be pre-planned because of the medication.  He also said the medication is actually dangerous for him because it counteracts his high blood pressure medicine, so he can't take much of it.  I told him I felt like he just wasn't attracted to me at all and his response was that there are different kinds of attraction and that he loved me.
About a week later we were in bed and my daughter came into our room and asked if she could have her gay male friend come to her sleepover, I actually wouldn't have minded but said the parents of the other girls might be uncomfortable with it.  Then my husband and I started a conversation about sexuality and how early kids were identifying that these days then because it's the thing that you say, I said "I don't think we'll have to worry about that with our son because he's all boy haha".  He looked at me and laughed and said "no, he's definitely going to take it in the ass."  I said "What would make you say something like that?" and in that moment I could see from the look on his face, "oh shit I slipped" which was the same look he had when I confronted him about the Cialis 6 months earlier.  He muttered something about, "you know because things are so fluid now" but I think he knew then that I knew something was up.
I went back to CA for work right after that and he stayed home with our son for the first time for 3 days.  I had a great time in CA with friends and family despite the fact that it was on fire again.  I was really happy to come home and when I was in CA I was thinking, maybe this will be ok, we're friends, we're partners, I have a good life, I can always have something on the side if I want to.  But when I got home it hit me so hard, he was being nice and wanted accolades for keeping our child alive and the house in one piece while I was gone and I just couldn't give it to him.  Instead I burst into tears and said, I think you are being dishonest with me about your sex life.  I could see in his eyes that he knew that I knew he had a secret and he just wanted me to get back in my lane and accept the situation for what it was.  We had one of the worst fights of our relationship, he told me I'm crazy and need to be on medication or he isn't sure he can stay in our marriage.  He accused me of needing drama in my life to be happy and he couldn't take the roller coaster anymore, all that and of course because I brought it up again now there's too much pressure so we can't have sex.  These fights have always followed a pattern, first it's criticism to get me to react, then it's the explosion of temper and scary yelling, being ignored as though I am invisible for a few days, then comes the shaming followed by the recovery period.  My first husband was physically abusive and I am the adult child of drug addicted alcoholics so I am familiar with co-dependency, trauma bonds, narcissism and emotional abuse.  I know that cycle, it's a little more subtle since he doesn't hit but it's there.  This argument by far outlasted the others during the being ignored period, it seemed to me like I got a little too close to the truth this time and he wanted to scare me back into my place.
Since then I have been working on re-establishing the peace of our household, working on a friendship with my husband, getting things back to normal so I can breathe and get through each day with work, kids, home and responsibilities.  However, now that I think I know he is gay I have found more and more evidence and things are starting to fall into place.  He has always been weirdly homophobic when he knows that I am absolutely not homophobic and don't like to hear that kind of thing, he has a bowel problem and is constantly leaking poop and blood from his bottom, he said he has IBS and had a colonoscopy this summer where they removed some polyps but I don't think that explains the level of what's coming out of his butt.  He constantly has wadded up toilet paper stuffed in his underwear to catch it (and the toilet paper frequently falls out and I find it on the floor).  Recently, I picked up a pair of his underwear and found semen stains on the front inside and the back inside where it looks like he stuck his finger up there or something from the way it was indented, then I found another pair a few days ago with semen stains in the front and blood stains in the back.  Finding 2 pair of underwear he had obviously ejaculated in within a few days of each other pretty much disproves the low libido/ED explanation, right?
The things that don't make sense to me is that he watches straight porn and I think he does think women are visually beautiful.  I am not sure if he is gay, bi, trans..or maybe I am wrong and he's straight and addicted to porn or something.  I do feel like I need to find out both for mental health reasons and the complications of leaving.  I feel like if I don't have proof of this that he will not let me leave, or will try to prevent me from going back to my home, job and family in CA with our son and I need to do that for the support system but also financial reasons as I have not been able to grow my business here and I have a 20 year career in the wine industry.  He controls all of the financial resources so I think if I just said I want a divorce, he would go hire an expensive lawyer and try to bully me.  I would confront him and ask the honest question but I don't think he would tell the truth and I am afraid after the last time I brushed up against this.  I want out of our marriage and I want to go home with my kids but it's complicated, there are times I feel like I still love him and couldn't leave.  I know that there is going to have to be a lot of healing before I can move on, I am devastated and feel like I can't trust my own judgement, I am very scared of what he might do to me if he thought I might tell someone.  He lies all of the time and I am just starting to uncover things I accepted as truth that aren't, about stupid stuff that doesn't even matter, things he says his friends said or did, things about his past and his first marriage, anything that makes him look important, it's weird.
I would love to get some feedback on what my next steps should be.  I don't feel like I can leave here until the school year is over as I have a daughter in 8th grade and my son who has high functioning autism is a sophomore.  I do have a home to go to but it is rented right now and I wouldn't feel good about turning the family out during the school year because of the housing crisis in CA.  I have a therapist I work with personally and my husband and I go to marriage counseling as well but none of that helps.  The first because I don't think I have the right therapist and the second because it's all lies and I can't say anything honestly in our marriage counseling.  Thanks in advance, this site has been really helpful for me.