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1 of 1- Elliecat
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Comfortably Numb
Does anyone else feel like this?
Most of the time I just feel numb. Emotionally and physically. I had to have over 20 injections into my back last month because I'm so locked up and my Dr was horrified that not only was I walking round in such as state but that I didn't even flinch from the injections. I recently got a tattoo and it only tickled.
It seems that I only feel, taste and smell really strong things.
I stupidly opened an online dating account and got chatting to someone on there. It was fun and made me laugh and feel alive for the first time in ages. But I might have got a bit carried away (only a very little bit) I think these things can happen when you're lonely. I met up with the guy last weekend. I wouldn't call it a date because he just wanted to kiss me at night in the street which totally goes against everything I would expect myself to do, it's really unsafe. But at the same time it felt so good to be held by a man again. A man who didn't want to be me.
I saw my ex recently. They were wearing full on women's clothes and makeup. There is nothing there that resembles my husband but I heard through a mutual friend they said they are still hoping I'll come back to the marriage. The worst thing after the date disaster was that I desperately wanted to go home and be hugged by my husband (in male form). Even though I now understand that he behaved abusively and I don't want to go back, I still desperately miss the person that I thought he was. The person that I loved and I believed loved me. This is so horrible and unfair. I didn't do anything wrong.
- Rob
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Re: Comfortably Numb
Ellie,
No..we didn't do anything wrong and we miss them. Its also not fair.
I think as time goes on you'll find someone really cares about you ..more then themselves...the difference will be amazing..
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
Thread Starter- StraightSpouse1979
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Re: Comfortably Numb
I understand how you feel. I still live with my husband who I have been together with 20 years, i am 40 so my first real relationship. Married 10 years and have a 5 year old daughter...I think I go through a whole lot of various emotions constantly revolving from one to the next and circles back. From anger, to depression, to fear, to disgust, etc. I since removing my relationship status all together on FB get a lot of requests from guys and I just am so not interested because I just want nothing to do with relationships. I am still married living with this "man" I married so i dont feel like I want to do that even though he is perfectly fine with it like my getting to have relations with an actual man should be some prize he is giving me. I want my OLD life back. Was not perfect but I didnt have to feel like as you said be hugged by someone who wants to be me. I found through snooping things he wrote and it turned my stomach. That he was jealous of my getting to wear the wedding gown and that i got to give birth to our daughter. Anytime he compliments me I get disgusted thinking he wants to have the clothing i wear etc. "He" has more hair products and makeup (more expensive too) than I do. I hardly wear any and have started to do so because I feel less feminine as the days go by. I even shaved the arm hair of my arm because i dont want more hair than he has. It is true, I too have no done anything wrong but his coming out of the closet being happy threw me in slammed the door and through away the key making me miserable in the process
- Rob
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Re: Comfortably Numb
1979,
I just want to say ...yeah if your still married you probably shouldn't go on dates if your looking for any length of a relationship. What I did find while married and going through my divorce (aka years in hell) was that almost everyone I talked to (be they man or woman) was so much nicer than my GX.. granted she was horribly mean and abusing me .. but it hit me like a ton of bricks.. all these people I interacted with in my day to day life were always nicer and more truthful than my GX. I had been living years with this dysfunctional person, who, hiding her real same sex attraction.. was essentially miserable.. Despite all my efforts I was out of ideas, time, money, affection trying to make her happy. It just hit me like a ton of bricks ....it really explained why I could not make her happy.
Its a slap in the face as we see them "happy" in their new gay/trans/etc life. But I think it shows why we couldnt make them happy...it was not that we were unkind or treated them badly...rather they wanted something we could not humanly give. We are, in a sentence, worth so much more than they ever thought us.. our spouse's low opinion of us, when we see it, is shocking and traumatizing. I think you saw some of that with men you talked..how much kinder and attracted to you they were. I The words and actions your husband has said to you are, essentially not true. he's been lying to you. I also found this scary and traumatizing...that the "i love yous' I'd been getting were , if I was brutally honest, not sincere or true.
There is some closure in divorce , in letting them go. Alone or even in a new relationship I found I was much happier not having to constantly worry about her mood, what word offended her today, what act of masculinity she would ridicule etc etc. Once we are free of them ... I think you'll find there are many kind and honest people in the world that do not have our spouse's dysfunction.. people that are fiercely honest..that say what they mean and mean what they say ..with no hidden agenda.
Grieve, but also move forward.. walk into the unknown ..I think you'l find it is better in so many ways than being around these broken spouses.
Last edited by Rob (November 14, 2019 8:37 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Abby
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Re: Comfortably Numb
To follow up on what Rob wrote, I was on a date, out in a kayak on a lake, and was enjoying the moment. When we went back to shore as we took the kayak out he mentioned that his back hurt. I asked him why he didn't say anything when we were on the lake because we could have come in sooner. His answer, you were enjoying it so much.
That's when the difference hit me. My husband wouldn't have taken a boat out because it wasn't his thing. If he had taken one out he would have complained long before his back hurt because something would be wrong. And if his back hurt I'd surely have heard about it - for days!
Everything was always about him but I was so used to it that the fact that someone could take pleasure in seeing me happy came as a shock. Eventually the numbness begins to wear off and like a plant in the spring we come back to life.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.