Previously I was married for 17 years to a bi-polar, mentally abusive, physically abusive in the beginning until I told him I would beat him senseless while he slept if he ever touched me out of anger again.  The physical stopped and the sexual abuse started.  He liked to hurt me during sex.  He was not loving or caring.  Pretty much emotionless.  He said sex was how he showed me how much he loved me.  I don’t really know why I allowed that for so long.

I met my current husband 10 years ago after my divorce.  He is loving, caring, and very devoted to me.  He will do anything for me and this family.  My husband was open with me about his bisexual interactions he had in the past.  He chatted online, watched gay porn, giving BJs and hand jobs but had never had the chance to experience being bottom.  He said that every time he did these things though he would feel dirty and mortified.  He would go home and watch lots of porn with women only in it.  I was accepting of the things that he had done and was willing to try things with him just with the two of us.  I actually enjoyed it.  Even with my openness he felt weird about the whole situation.  He could never talk to me about it afterwards.  Actually, he can’t talk about sex period.  It makes him uncomfortable.  I figured out a long time ago that he likes cock more than vagina whether he admits it or not.  I mean come on; this is a man who has been with a ridiculous number of women throughout his life but does not know how to sexually please a woman. (Yes, I made him get tested for STDs before we got together.)

Back to the Bi situation.  I don’t care if he watches gay porn and jacks off to it.  He doesn’t have to tell me that, because I already know.  My only stipulation has ever been to be completely honest with me.  I did not give him a free pass to go out and have sex with men or give BJs in the alley. If you are talking to people online, tell me.  Fast forward a few years and I found out that he had been talking to one guy online.  They had swapped photos and talked via email, but they had never gotten together.  The girlfriend found out and the guy said he couldn’t chat anymore because he couldn’t lose her.  She sent my husband an email and said she would be open to the 2 of them possibly starting something because she knew that she couldn’t stop his urges and was willing to let him explore.  She would rather know about it and know the other person was safe.  There was no contact from said guy after that.  The two things that really bothered me was that our sex life diminished during the time he was talking to this guy and he didn’t tell me everything.  When I talked to him about it, he said he would never do anything with anyone, it was just fantasy.  He said he only wants to be with me.  I was mad and I told him don’t ever keep things like this from me again!

Fast forward to a week ago.  It’s Saturday night and he tells me that he has an online account at some site, and he has been talking to people and sharing dick photos for a few months.  He told them that his wife knows and is accepting of him. These are the key things he said during our conversation:
[list=1]
[*]It’s selfish of me and unfair to you that I have these desires and that I haven't been fulfilling your sexual needs. 
[*]I’m not more into men.  I love the curves of a woman’s body and I don’t want a relationship with a man.  I only like their cocks.
[*]I love you. You are my soulmate and you are the only person who has ever accepted me for everything that I am and it’s still hard to talk to you about it.
[*]We’ve just been so busy with school, work, kids, and we just don’t have sex.  I know we should, and I know I neglect that.
[*]I have done things in the past with men and then I feel dirty afterwards.
[*]I can only act on or talk about these feelings when I drink.
[*]I can’t hurt you and our relationship by actually acting on my desires.  If there is even the slightest bit of that possibility, I can’t do it.  You are the most important person in my life.   
[/list]
First of all, I was mad that he waited to tell me about his online perusing and then after we talked, I thought about it more and more.  I realized our sex life had diminished considerably over the last year.  I knew in my gut he wasn’t being completely honest, so I looked in his history and found that he had been on this site for a year chatting with people.  There are no signs that he has actually gone through with anything, but I still view this as being lied to.  He said a few months, not a YEAR. It made sense now that our sex life started to go downhill after he started chatting online.  I was confused and angry, so I started researching and found this site.  I read a lot of posts and the more I read the more I questioned his sexuality and whether or not he desired me.  Whether or not he preferred cock over me as a female.  Whether or not he is actually bi or just flat out gay.  He says he is not turned on by looking at a man’s body like he is a woman’s and he could not kiss a man or be passionate ever.  He only fantasizes about sucking and being bottom but could not lose me by acting on them.  It’s not a price he was willing to pay for getting off. 

This whole week I have held it in. I wrote him a letter and was going to give it to him, but he could tell something was not right with me.  He pushed the point tonight and I caved.  I told him he hurt me by not telling me the whole truth, just like the last time.  I told him he needs to take a hard-honest look at himself and decide what he is and what he wants.  I am not going to be in this situation 5-10-15 years down the road have you lie to me, sneak around and do finally act on your desires or come out and say you are GAY.  I also told him I deserve to be desired by my husband and I do NOT see that he does.  I told him you spend countless hours looking at gay porn and chatting with men but can’t even research now to make a woman cum or got forbid touch my vagina with your hand.  He was taken aback when I pointed out that he had touched me down there once in the 10 years we have been together.  ONCE.  He actually said you are lying!  Oh hell, no I’m not!  I do NOT LIE.  I told him this leads me to believe that he prefers cock over vagina and that he may be gay.  And that’s okay, but I am not okay with living a lie.  He got very upset and said, my life is ruined now, I can’t go on without you, I just want to die and then started crying.  I told him to stop crying, I was not going to listen to this!  This is about me and my feelings right now.  Do not try to turn this around to be about feeling sorry for you.  You lied to me again!  He said, but I didn’t do anything with anyone.  I never would.  He said I do desire you.  You are sexy.  I have not acted on any of my fantasies since I met you.  You are the only one I want and need, but I don’t know how to talk to you about it.  I feel un-natural and weird for having these thoughts.  I can’t even talk about sex without it making me feel uncomfortable and I don’t know why.  There are countless times I want to come upstairs and have sex with you, but I know you need sleep.  There are things I want to try with you, but I feel selfish and weird.  I feel like someday you will just say this is too much and you are too weird for me.  I love you and everything about you, you are my soulmate.  I asked him what he would feel if I was on a chat site sharing pics and talking about getting together with people who lived in the same city, even if we didn’t get together in person.  He said NO, that is NOT okay.  He said you are not that way anyway and you weren’t when I met you.  I have always been bi or whatever this fucked up thing is.  I asked him if he enjoyed sex with me, he said yes.  Then I said, then why do we only do it once every 1-3 months now, but you will jack off to cocks online almost every night?  I can definitely take care of myself by masturbating, but I prefer my husband!  I asked him if he wanted to have an open marriage and we can be roommates.  He got upset and said NO, is that how you look at me?  Why would you say that to me?  2 hours later of going back and forth not really coming to a conclusion, which I didn’t really think it would, I told him I love you and you need to look at yourself and decide what you want, because I already know what I want.  He said I want, need and desire you but you won’t believe me. 

I have been open and understanding with my husband, but I am really feeling confused right now as to where I stand and if I’m being too hard on him, should I believe that he really does want, need and desire me.  Is he bisexual and can he really choose to be with me and only have his online fantasies’ without ever going through with them?  Is he really gay and just cannot or will not admit it?  Did I get overly worked up for nothing by reading all of the posts on here? No, I am not okay with an open marriage, I said that to be an ass to him.

I have an innate ability to shut down and not feel anything to protect myself, but today I am hurting and torn.  Thank you for listening.  I know I wrote A LOT!

Last edited by jayne621 (October 30, 2019 7:14 am)