Look it seems to me that there are lots of gay in denial or bisexual people everywhere in the world, whatever the religion, rich or poor.  

I had no idea about it when I met my ex.  No conception someone would lie about something so important and not tuned in at all but when I left him and moved here the next thing is I am spooking that the man next door is like my ex.  You know what, he is.  At first I wondered if I was just seeing it everywhere because I was so traumatised by my marriage but not at all.  It has taken even longer for me to even start to see who the closet lesbians are.  

That is just the facts - large numbers of people who are dating the opposite sex are gay and hiding it.  So when you say you  broke up with the second boyfriend I think that is a sign things will go well for you - you protected yourself, you acted on your instinct.

Yes you can cry as much as you like and they won't tell - they will still put their closet first without a second thought - so It's good to pay attention to the signs.  

You don't want another gay boyfriend and now you know it.  It's in your own experience, you sense it and can protect yourself.  So my guess is your confidence is likely to improve a lot as you heal from this second relationship and the right man will be round the corner.

wishing you all the best, Lily

Whatever the reasons for it I think that your statement "he had had sex with 15 partners, only 1 relationship that was less than 6 months" is confirmation that this man may not be the one for you if you want a long-term relationship.

Don't waste more time trying to figure him out. You will know the right one when you find him.
 

I agree with Abby - just from what you have said there are legitimate signs he is gay in denial.  The one I particularly relate to is the not touching your boobs enough - my ex was like that too, when he did touch them it didn't feel right, like he didn't know what to do with them and was a bit grossed out by them in the same way I'd be if it were me - I want to feel and see a man's chest, not a womans', same for him.  

But the big shiny red flag waving in the breeze is your anxiety over it and I understand your concern that it is you not him but I really don't think that's the case here - even the fact that you are worrying about that is another red flag for him being GID.  

Trust your instincts. 

The way I see it, if he was the right man for you he would have been able to reassure you and made you feel confident and happy but instead you are worrying whether it's your fault, that because of your past you are feeling anxious and that is exactly what my ex did to me.  It is easy to believe but not true.  imo, that instinctive in the gut anxiety is always related to your current circumstance not the past.  He is making you feel anxious and it is reminding you of your past.  You haven't felt reassured, you have felt more anxiety and broken up with him.  Well done.  Well done.  


 

Last edited by lily (October 17, 2019 8:06 pm)

Sorry to hear you are suffering like this.  I think the slow undermining that happens in GID relationships can really affect one's confidence for a long time.  Gaslighting has the effect of making you doubt yourself and when it is for a long time at an intimate level it is no wonder that you struggle to trust your own feelings.  

I am struggling in a relationship in a slightly similar way.  I have real anxiety that he is hiding and lying to me at times.  In a new relationship, it is normal that you don't know everything about the person!  Our history of being deceived means we need a lot of extra reassurance on topics that for some new partners might be a bit offensive... What? so you think I'm gay because I have good grooming habits! haha...etc... My new guy is quite fastidious in ways that are very metrosexual, so.... anyway.  I feel you here.  But it sounds like a really good sign that your new man is willing to be with you when you cry and is sympathetic to your past trauma.  I have to give my guy credit, he really did hear A LOT about my GIDX!  Poor thing!  But finding someone empathetic is quite healing too.  So be kind to yourself.  Yes it could happen again, but fearing it so much it stops you loving again makes it all the more of a tragedy!  Say no to letting the past dictate your future.....

Good luck xx