Hello - Glad I found SSN and can finally tell my [long] story out loud. Thanks for listening. 

I have been together with my gay husband for nearly 30 years. We have a teen child and we are 6 years post-disclosure. I blame myself often for where I’ve ended up. I knew from almost the very beginning of our relationship that he was gay. 

After living together for 6 months, I came upon a journal totally by accident. I opened the notebook to see what it was and - bam - “I think I’m gay” was written on the page. He proceeded to describe his feelings toward some guy at a club he lusted after. A few pages after that he wrote that he liked me and was enjoying the attention & affection I was giving him. That he was enjoying being attracted to a woman. He wrote, “what’s wrong in waiting for the rest?” as in, waiting for love to develop.

I was so angry, hurt and confused about the journal. BUT I NEVER CONFRONTED HIM. You know why? Because I didn’t want him to think I was snooping. I was worried about my integrity and we had also just moved in together investing an entire SIX MONTHS into our relationship. Yeah, I know, I was really stupid at 20 years old… I tried to get out of the situation though. I told my mom and hoped I could move back in with her. She listened to me and blew off all the hurtful gay bits and basically said: “that sucks, good luck with that”.  I wondered why he would start this relationship with me if he didn’t love me? That he must be bi and have feelings for me… so I decided to stay and see where things took me. 

Over the years there have been more opportunities to confront. I’m so ashamed of my younger self. The few times I did try to gently ask if he was gay, he would deflect and try to disorient me by pointing out some default of mine. He always made it sound like there was something wrong with me or something wrong that I was doing to make him emotionally & sexually detached. I developed the habit of thinking badly about myself and feeling insecure. 

After I turned 30 I contemplated leaving. I had a decent job, money saved & it was clear we were going nowhere. I also wanted to be a mother and knew it would take some time to find a new person in my life. Unfortunately, I had written these ideas in my own journal in which *he* purposely snooped. In an attempt to keep me in his closet, he asked me to marry him. I didn’t answer right away because I was planning to leave. After a little thought, I again wondered why he would ask me to marry him if he didn’t love me or was gay. This time I DID confront. He said that those types of feelings were in the past when he was young and now he wanted to be married to me. Ultimately, I loved him and decided that I would like to see how marriage might affect our relationship. I said yes (ugh). 

At the start of the marriage I promised myself that if I ever found definitive proof that he was gay, I would have something to throw in his face and would leave. Six years ago, I finally found it… I came home from work early and found his laptop on the bed and it was open (normally locked screen). He had just gotten in the shower, so I looked at it and there was a gay porn video running. I finally threw it in his face and he just looked really sad and said: “I can’t help it.” He begged and pleaded for me not to leave. He said he would do anything for our marriage, that he loved me, blah blah blah. “Please don’t break up our family”…. I told him that I needed to go to counseling to figure things out. I found a therapist who seemed open to MOMs. I brought my husband into counseling with me and we were able to address a lot of his religious issues & shame associated with that. He maintained his love for me & willingness to do anything to save our marriage. I decided there are many types of families and many ways to love so I was willing to see if we could make it work with our new found communication. We were both on the same page about being monogamous to each other. 

After disclosure, we actually had a really nice honeymoon period. I felt the most love and affection I had ever felt in our relationship. He was initiating sex often and when he looked into my eyes there was the look of love I had always desired to see. During this time, he discovered how much he could qualify for a home loan & suddenly really needed to buy a house. I went along with it but knew I shouldn’t be getting involved with buying while we were still figuring things out. WELL, we ended up buying anyway. I cried so much the first few days knowing I was creating another difficulty for myself & my child down the road. 

My husband became distracted by the house and the attention I was enjoying started to wain. Shortly after buying, he experienced some job insecurity and said we couldn’t afford to go to counseling anymore. Once that stopped, he told me to quit asking him questions or talking to him about his sexuality then slammed his gay-closet door shut once again. 

Over the last 6 years, I have slowly become more & more lonely & miserable. I finally decided to tell some friends hoping it would keep me from going nuts. I’ve always feared the humiliation of “coming out” but 3 of the 4 people I’ve told have been supportive. 

Last month, our wedding anniversary rolled around and I could not bear it. Another year had flown by. Another year wasted with this person. Another year that I didn’t try to fix my situation. I’ve spent more than half my life with him - 28 years!! My beauty is fading, I can no longer have children, my mind is full of negative thoughts all the time, I don’t have financial means to move out, and I can no longer put on a happy face for my sweet teenager. I felt like my head was going to explode from despair… My husband was annoyed with me because I barely acknowledged our anniversary so I decided it was time to have the break-up talk. 

He was blind-sided and attacked me with all his tricks trying to control me & keep the closet door closed, but for the first time, I had complete clarity and stood my ground. He left the house for a little while and we continued communicating through email. It’s been a couple of weeks now and we are in agreement that our marriage is over because he is GAY. We still need to work out the rest. Right now, we are both in the house sleeping apart.

I feel ashamed to say that I loved this person. I can’t believe all the years I spent pining for him. That I still love him. That I care what happens to us both. I hope that I am able to keep moving forward OUT of this marriage that makes sense for both of us. That I can protect my child… I have tried contacting SSN twice since August with no reply. I hope I can get some assistance soon. I broke up with my husband without a plan and I’m feeling pretty scared right now. Oh, and I told my mom... she said, "Sorry to hear you're having trouble. Hope you can work it out." (sigh)

Last edited by broomhilda (October 14, 2019 9:39 am)