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October 13, 2019 8:42 am  #1

40 yrs - he's impotent but is he gay?

I'm sick to my stomach and my heart is pounding.  I'm going to try to keep this short.  Backgound: We've been married 40 years.  My husband is from a very Catholic family in a small town.  We don't live there.  Retired now, but had a professional career in a field which may not have been favorable to a gay man 40 years ago.  We haven't had sex in almost 20 years.  Even when we did it was mostly initiated by me.  At one point he went to the doctor and was told he had a low testosterone level.  Prescribed a cream but ended it due to possible medical concerns.  He has medical issues - had bypass surgery, etc., and is on a lot of medication.  He admitted to me several years ago he no longer gets erections, even in the morning.  I wasn't surprised.

Now...many, many years ago I sat down at the computer and found gay porn on the screen.  More recently I sat down and yet again, found gay porn on the screen.  He denied knowing anything about it.  I will add he constantly forgets to log out of whatever site he's on.  After this I found gay porn on his phone and pictures of shirtless men.  He again said he didn't know how it got there.  I deleted everything from his phone in his presence as he truly  is technology impaired and I was afraid our son would find it if he needed to see his phone - it was new and he was having trouble using it.  He was caught on the computer and his phone, so now I find gay TV shows showing up watched on Netflix.  Shared account not in our name, so he can't delete them.

He denies being gay.  Says I'm his soulmate but is so distant and there is absolutely no affection between us nor does he seem to care that I believe he's gay.  In one of our past conversations he says to me "I never cheated on you".  Given his medical issues and low testosterone past, I believe that.  However, our discussion wasn't about him cheating, it wasn't even mentioned.  To me it was like saying "yes I';m gay but I never cheated on you".

To the outside world we're a happy couple, even traveling to Europe frequently.   I however, am finding it harder and harder to present a happy face to everyone, but financially (I'm ready to retire) and because of family - we now have grandchildren living out of state that we visit frequently,  know that we'll stay together.  

There's a part of me that wants to believe he isn't....but I feel I can't deny what's in front of me.  Thoughts?



October 13, 2019 10:33 am  #2

Re: 40 yrs - he's impotent but is he gay?

Impotence has no bearing on orientation. Perhaps it affects the possibility of physical infidelity but it doesn't prevent the thought. Sadly, I don't think it's a coincidence that you have hit the trinity of electronic evidence, computer, phone and television. Based on the history you've supplied, it sounds like he grew up in an area and an era when coming out would have been a huge personal struggle and hiding was easier. Now technology makes it easy to access this sort of material but he's forgetting or unaware of the clues it leaves behind but hiding is still the playbook. So many decades later, I'm not sure you will get the honest truth. If he's been living undercover for so long, it can become an automatic reflex to flat-out deny or distract by half-answering a question.

I think many of us have wanted to believe we were mistaken, or could 100% trust what we were told but, it seems the inner voice usually knows all. Even if our hearts or brains would rather not listen.

You need to think about what this all means and what you are (and are not) prepared to accept. It may be a different answer than if this were two or three decades earlier in life. I would think finding a counselor you can talk this out with to be a good starting point. Hope this helps.


December 9, 2019 3:41 am  #3

Re: 40 yrs - he's impotent but is he gay?

Keeping, I am so sorry you found yourself in this situation. I didn't discover TGT until 43 years of marriage. I was happy in my marriage , thought he was "my best friend." Gay porn was my first clue. When I discovered the gay porn, I went into detective mode......found dildos, searches for gay bars, no sex with me for 12 years (claimed ED issues), discovered he was diagnosed with Hepatitis B (anal sex) . I confronted him, heard the BS of "I am bicurious, then bisexual.......then admitted he was gay.....then the next day claimed he never said he was gay. I was gaslighted.

We had just moved to Florida to retire, life was great......and then I discovered TGT.

I divorced him, I valued myself, and got the hell out. I am gets better. I just wanted to breathe honesty and truth and I refused to live in that dam closet with him. Once I stopped focusing on him and focused on me I could see things more clearly. It's a process.....with time, you'll figure out what is best for you. Face your reality.....move forward.



December 9, 2019 6:34 am  #4

Re: 40 yrs - he's impotent but is he gay?

It wasn't until after my husband admitted he was gay and left me that I realized that men do not lose their interest in sex at a certain age (nor as I found out did I). Health issues may affect abilities but not what attracts them. Looking at other men does nothing for straight men.

You have lived in a sexless marriage for almost 20 years. That isn't just a lack of sex but the love that leads to intimacy. The question only you can answer is how long you can continue to live this way. Maybe you have friends and family that provide emotional support. Maybe is it a hobby or volunteer work. We all need to give something to the world and to receive affirmation in some form.

Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.

December 9, 2019 6:19 pm  #5

Re: 40 yrs - he's impotent but is he gay?

I am so sorry about this. I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic schools in an urban area. Effeminate boys were ridiculed.  Am sure they were beat up by other boys for this.  It’s a pretty common story and a sad one. I am a practicing Catholic still & am in a liberal diocese where being gay is accepted. I understand it is still not acceptable in many Catholic dioceses.

I would guess he is looking at gay porn because he is attracted to men exclusively. If you had to initiate sex most of the time that in my opinion shows you he has little interest in women sexually.

My late gxh told me he had low testosterone, but I never saw this in writing. I took him at his word. He initiated sex sometimes during the first year of our 20+ yr. marriage. After that, nothing. He had reasons like he was molested by quite a few people, ED which wasn’t helped by medication.

He was not a good husband in other ways. Even without TGT, I would have divorced him. He was abusive, found excuses to stop working/refused to look for work,  stole money from me.  I had a gay son here, not a heterosexual husband.

The next steps I would suggest are to dig deep and discover what you want. Is it a partner who is heterosexual, is totally attracted to you and initiates sex a lot? That sounds like something I’d want!

Do you still want to be in this marriage? Can you afford the outcome of a divorce?  Do you still love your husband? If you want to stay with your husband, would he allow you to have a heterosexual lover outside your marriage? Could you withstand your family’s reaction if you divorced or separated?

The right answer is the one that works for you. I was so happy with my decision to divorce. It was the absolute correct answer for me. My Catholic pastor agreed with me.

I sincerely hope you work towards a solution that serves you. Best of luck!


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