Selfish. That's what sticks out to me reading this thread. These types are so fixated on themselves that they are oblivious to anyone on their rabid path to get there. Mine wasn't this. He cheated on me all up and down the West Coast with women and now men. In 46 years we probably had sex 12 times total and that was within the first 10 years. I tried to define what was wrong and got on a bed naked with him five years ago and he couldn't do it. I then tried to perform on him and he ended up pleasuring himself. The look on his face was one of dread when I got onto the bed. You'd think I had led him to slaughter. Then a male picked him up to take him to a movie and I watched him get into the car with him KNOWING something was wayyyyyy off. Their body language said DATE. Now I find out he's been with a different man for 13 years! I am choking on the selfishness of all of these people. It's not their CHOICE. I am pro LGBT all the way. It's that they involved all of us in this game and lied and lied and lied and hid and kept the worst of secrets which destroyed years and decades of our lives. Mine would lie and even when caught, he'd spin up another lie to cover it. I am so angry. I don't love him and don't want him back. I am furious he would do this to a loyal long term wife. It's cruel. This is a real devastating situation. One I can't reconcile in my mind at all. I can tell you one thing. I really hate secrets and lies. Not going to ever tolerate anyone again that doesn't have integrity and respect for family.

Last edited by Judy (September 30, 2016 9:55 pm)

Judy, that's a long horrible nightmare you've endured.......but survived! The only consolation I can think of in our stories is that we are a hell of a lot stronger & certainly more decent than they could ever dream of being. Weak people, with low character, lie & cheat. Scumbags do it to those who do nothing to them but love & support them. Their day will come. For us TG spouses the irony & gift to us (in a vindictive way) is that yes, their end body, with their beautifully crafted tits & neo-vaginas investments will come to betray them, unable to hold an erection, with moods swinging more than an adolescent girl & *still* no respect as a "real woman" from many people outside their TG community. I for one will have zero sympathy.

OOHC, They really are delusional non? Your story is just one more example of how self centered they truly are. In their mind, they have done NOTHING wrong, because, "Poor Them, trapped for so many years, they deserve all the luxuries of chiffon, bustiers & silky hairless skin that womanhood has to offer. They deserve this dammit!". 

I've said it before, but It warrants mentioning again on this thread, ,,,,,be warned!! If you thought they were selfish before, you haven't seen anything yet once they are told it's over, you, their beard, supporter & femme police is no more. You now become simply their evil selfish gate keeper to their femme dreams, the fantasies they've sacrificed so many years to attain. You leaving also means they have 1/2 their financial resources available for all that expensive surgery, possible early retirement or job loss due to impending discrimination & that expansive wardrobe they've been fantasizing about. They will get angrier & more secretive than you thought was even possible. I mean seriously, how much crueler can they get?! So on TOP of all the other hurt feelings you already are dealing with, you need to be prepared for that last bit of respect you think they have for you, being thrown out & stomped on. Which is why you need to get your cards in order before you divulge any legal proceedings or definite plans for splitting up.

Even before I stated emphatically I was done with this, we need to go our separate ways, (all I said last year was "I can't live like this anymore") I discovered he had been siffling money away into secret accounts, stashing large sums of cash, talked to our investment adviser on liquidating & moving money "on demand" out of the country. We still cohabit due to a few reasons & he acts & talks like "we have a respectful friendly future together that doesn't look any different than how we've been living for the past 24 years, just that it will be in separate homes. He proclaims he's there for me, will help & support me & the kids, yet he's doing everything he can to screw me out of a home, finances & even a meager living. Because I pulled the plug on his comfortable gig, he's out to punish me to his fullest possible wrath. In short, they really bring on the cruelty. Somehow, you need to find the strength & lady balls to get stuff organized, stay ahead of them & plan for a future without them, or they will screw you!!!! Take care & stay stealth 

I hope everyone's weekend is a gentle one,
Sham xoxo
 

Last edited by whatasham24 (September 30, 2016 1:03 pm)

Debby,
 So sorry for what you're going through, but good for you for finding this place and writing.  I imagine you've been all alone in your thoughts since April, and living in someone else's closet is terribly isolating.  
 I also so understand that feeling of being torn, wanting to "accept it" while at the same time wanting to scream. It's so natural to continue to try to be a supportive spouse. It's very easy to get caught up in that desire to be supportive, and immerse yourself in his perspective and in his issues.  I have come to believe my husband depends on that and takes full advantage of it, and of me.  One thing I have learned in the 18 months I have known about my husband's desire to be a woman (and his sexual excitement in imagining himself as one, aided by clothes, etc), is that it is his primary driving force, and the primary relationship he has is between himself and the imagined, desired woman he wishes he were/thinks he will be. 
  My husband initially said the same as your partner--that he wanted it all.  But after buying the whole kit--a wig, the makeup, the breast forms, the women's street clothes--and experimenting in them at home, he realized that he would never pass as a woman and that when he saw himself in women's clothes he felt powerfully reminded that he was a male, less female than in his fantasies.  He had decided, for now, to live his public life as a man, and to indulge his desire to be a woman in private at home.  Like your partner, shaving his body and wearing knickers brought him closer to the ideal of what he wanted.  And like you, I recoiled/recoil from his actions.  
   Very soon after he revealed his desires and plans to transition, I decided what I thought I could live with and what I couldn't.  For me, his coming out publicly and wearing women's clothes publicly or taking hormones or having SRS was a marriage ender; I was unwilling to remake my life in that way, to be known as "the wife of a trans woman."  What I have discovered is that in staying with him even though he's closeted my whole life still revolves around his trans life, accommodating it, resisting it, thinking about it--getting sucked into it to the point you lose perspective.  I have gotten some needed perspective here, and I've gotten it, too, from some time I spent away from him over the summer, interacting with my family and couples in normal marriages where the husband's attention and loyalties weren't divided between his "inner woman" and his actual wife.
  I've come to realize that my husband is no longer the person I married (if he ever was that person....).  And I'd venture to say yours isn't either. 
What has helped me is to have people on this site tell me that I need to ask myself what *I* need, to remind me that my needs and getting my needs met are of equal importance to his needs.  And that has made me see just how uncommitted my husband is to meeting my needs, how although he says he wants to meet my needs, my needs are always secondary to his, and that he expects me to subordinate them to his, because, after all, he "can't help being the way he is."  
  I don't know if this helps, or not.  But you're not alone, and the thoughts and reactions you're having are those I and others have had, too.

Hello Debby, 
I'm so so sorry you are in this bizarre & painful scenario. It really is tough at the beginning. And I totally get the whole screaming thing. It's so true & it's a bloody torturous thing to go through. You need to not isolate yourself (like I did. for a good 15 yrs actually). I'm just coming to realize how painful even the cross dressing was. Perhaps not the CDing so much, as the numerous side effects it had on our marriage & how it ate away at my own spirit & femininity while i was doing nothing but supporting my husband & hoping that one day there would be a pay off. Like he would suddenly get it all out of his system & turn his attention on me, show me love, lust, affection & respect. The CDing was just the beginning of the end really, looking back.

I have spent so many years in pain, lonely, isolated & driving myself crazy, trying to be everything I was not, trying to stay sane, keep ahead of the pain. You MUST find an outlet, regardless of the outcome of your marriage, find a bff you trust (with YOUR heart, don't give 2 shits about him at this moment, he'll take care of himself), find a therapist just for YOU.The more you are able to talk to an actual human being about what's going on in YOUR heart & world, the more the need to "silently scream" will fade. It also builds back the confidence you lost so many years ago & you'll slowly realize how strong & intelligent you are & always have been. Really, if you can survive 2+ decades of this shit, you are a modern day super woman!

I also wanted to point out, because it comes up a lot, how the TG husband testifies he is not interested in going the whole gambit after he discovers all the expense, health issues etc.....that this is often simply another lie & manipulation, a way to placate the gatekeeper (you). My husband said all those things, even after we agreed to divorce proceedings so there was no need for him to lie right? Wrong!! I have learned that he is going full steam ahead with all of it, planning surgery and all that jazz. He's hiding money to pay for it & has made appointments with clinics to meet for a consultation. He must be busting at the seams having to keep it all a secret. What little respect I had left for him as a man, beyond the selfish & strange sexual proclivities, is gone. 

In short, don't let your guard down or leave your heart's door open. He will not suddenly see the light & hit the halt button on any of it. Take care of yourself & start doing things, even little things, that have absolutely dick all to do with him. The first few times I did this for myself I actually giggled, now I'm more on the "Eff it! I'll do, take, plan, purchase whatever the hell I feel like!".... & I don;t feel one bit guilty. It has been DECADES since I felt like that..and it feels so damn empowering. You need to start feeling good about yourself, relearn what you deserve & what you're capable of.

And keep coming here. Plus, take the time to read thru the posts here as it gives you fantastic advise, courage, and insight into how many other people are in the same shoes as you & survived & thrived!

Cheers to you & all the other Shitstorm Troopers out there tonight. I hope everyone's week is a wee bit gentle 
Sham

Rob, that's just so heart wrenching to hear, partly because I see my own story in that account. It's a brutal realization that they have soooo little regard for you that they steal everything they can; respect, confidence, sexuality, strength, time & financial health to top it all off. You named it right about "financing" their abuse. 

I've had such a really tough go of it lately, feeling like I'm going crazy, worthless, too old to make a go of it. Too tarnished for a redo. One day I'm mad as hell & don't trust a word he says, then he corals me in to not necessarily feeling sorry for him, but more falling back into our 25 yr dynamic of me wanting to be a decent person (read:doormat), play fair & hope he comes around and does the right thing financially and not screw me further. I've realized my wavering is not validation in "taking the highroad" as much as it's evidence I'm a full blown co-dependent or more, showing tendencies of an abused spouse. If I'm completely honest with myself about my truth, fears & desires, it's that I want things to stay the same. No matter how effing crappy it makes me feel, how dangerous it is to my sanity & health, and how much I want so much more than this shitshow, it's more a 'The devil I know" scenario. Discovering this weekend that he is in fact planning surgery, HRT therapy, setting up out-of-province/country consultations with Dr.s for femininization surgeries, seeking out gay bars in the US for his near future business trip was a wake up call. I know, I know, how many facking "wake-up calls" does a broad need to have it sink the hell into my fat head & stupid, naive heart? So all his recent "I'll always take care of you & the kids" is complete & utter bullshit. Do u know how much it costs for surgery? It'll be 100+k & that's not including the wigs, clothes and props he already has on order to be delivered to his secret PO box. So his "caring" for me is actually just a way to postpone the divorce & alimony-division gavel slamming down on him.

Truth is, I''m bloody exhausted. So many years of deep depression, unending support & isolation, living in a tenuous pressure cooker all these years, getting nothing in return but a "roof over my head" has left me with zero mojo. In fact, I believe I'm in the red on the energy bank. Baby steps is about all I can accomplish & I need so much more umph than that!! I did however get back today to the paper work my lawyer is requesting, so that's something I guess.

Sorry for the ramble, back to why I initially came here.....You've come a long way Rob in such a short time. When u said earlier up the thread "It's been 2 months" I thought "Whaaaat?" That is so amazing!! Especially coming from such an equally abusive relationship. Props to you!! I can only hope I'm somewhere near that goal post by then !

Lastly, I drove my lazy ass last week to a support group for spouses of TG's. A 3 hr drive, but thought it would be worth it to connect face to face with other like minded spouses. A couple dozen spouses all preaching the "trials of staying thru "The Journey" & how to find hobbies & outlets to fill the void of grief & loss. Can you believe it??!! I wanted to slap every one of them like Cher in Moonstruck. "Snap out of it already!!" (I'd add 'stupid bitches' to that though) Man, I thought *I* looked depressed, I've got nothing on them in that department. Vacant eyes, hunched shoulders, brutally sad energy, the dreaded "no confidence wardrobe". I left at 1/2 time tea/social. I needed a stiff cocktail after that, not tea!! I had an out-loud conversation with my deceased BFF the whole way home "Can you BELIEVE that insanity?!!! Holy shit!"

Just goes to show, there really is ZERO help out there for the duped spouses & forums such as this are a God send!! Coming here has kept me sane & hopeful, so thank you everyone!!


Bless y'all,
Sham