Sue,

I can tell yes yes yes to all of your questions in your last paragraph.  My self-esteem was so nonexistent I could barely back the car out of the drive-way when I left with the kids. My divorce took forever and it was awful. Unbeknownst to me my X's family knew the Judge and I was told by the court-appointed therapist he and the Judge got phone calls (unethical I know).  My last parent and sole support died in the midst of all of this and I fell prey to a narcissistic sibling whose passion was to kick me when I was down. I was alone parenting 2 toddlers in an unfamiliar town with no contacts and no job and I was always on the verge of losing the only thing I owned, my car.  It more than sucked.  It was more than one person could handle. Within a blink of an eye I had gone from a former professional with a corner office turned SAHM with a professional community involved husband with a beautiful home, a nice car, and lots of good friends to destitute and alone with a NGIDH who was stalking me. I spent so many nights full out crying in the garage where the kids couldn't hear me. I drained the few friends I had left talking on the phone seeking advice and comfort.  I could not figure out what had happened to my life (I would find out my X was GID 3 years later) and I certainly could not foresee any future.  I used to quip to myself that I must have been a really rotten person in a past lifetime because that was the only explanation I could find for my predicament.

Thank goodness for my children.  They were so young and so full of life that I had no choice but to put on my big girl panties and keep on going.  I would put a smile on my face, be thankful for the little things and try to be present for their sake. Many times though behind my smile and my sunglasses I would be consumed with the mountain of problems I was facing.

Sue, in a nut shell I eventually began to follow the steps so offered here: Lawyer, therapist, and reading.  I used baby steps to try to make progress every day.  I made many mistakes and took many steps backwards. I often had huge doubts about whether things would get better, even when things were getting better.  I worried about the impact of all of this on the kids the most and sometimes still do.  But fast forward 10+ years and they are happy successful and thoughtful teens who have happy memories of their childhood!  That always blows my mind because there was so much turmoil circling much of their lives but they don't see it through the same lens I do. I dated again and had fun with it and found love for now.  I am not sure I have healed 100%, but I am better. I will never be that idealistic 20-something who married her college sweetheart again. It has been a hell of a journey and I have learned that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. My life is not perfect now, but it is mine. Life with TGT was filled with drama, emergencies and juggling.  I move at my own speed now.  I delight in the mundane and I have found joy in the journey.

Sue, when you are having those rough days and nights, know that you are not alone at all and know that it will get better and that you will get through this. Find healthy ways to cope with the stress such as exercise or walking and try to eat right and get some sleep.  It sounds trite but treating yourself right can help you get through tough days. Don't beat yourself up and be kind to yourself and reach out for help when you need it.

Last edited by WendiT (September 16, 2016 9:28 am)

Rob... You should consider cutting off all communication with your ex other than communication relating to the children. That's what I did. We didn't discuss our marriage, we didn't discuss my life, we didn't discuss her life.

If the divorce is done advise her that from now on you will ONLY discuss the children. If you get ANY communication that is not about the children ignore it or reply by saying "This communication is not about our children."

Just a suggestion. It worked for me... BIG TIME.

PS I think it was Patti who used to say something like "Don't rent her any more space in your head"

Last edited by Steve (September 16, 2016 8:29 pm)

Suggestion:

If you must read them and they are not about the kids, regardless of what it is about  reply with: "This communication is not about our children. Please speak to your psychiatrist about this"

I'm not sure if I'm being serious or if this is good advice... but at least she'll know a) that you don't care what she has to say and b) that you think she's batshit crazy.

Last edited by Steve (September 16, 2016 9:53 pm)

Thank you all.

Wendi, your post was very, very helpful. It gave me hope. Your life sounds much like mine. Went from wonderful (except for not knowing his secret) straight to the depths of hell. Hearing that you are now in a different place is so, so good. 

Steve, I love your quote. 

Kel and Rob, I always look forward to hearing from you. 

I just want the healing to feel measurable and I'm impatient. I've always been Type A, with a plan, dreams of the future, etc. This entire process, this utter loss of control over my life, the way in which he's treating me. Feeling flawed and unlovable and like I am failing my kids because I can't seem happy every day. This damn LIMBO life where you don't have the "d" on the end of divorce and you have someone doing things like draining the bank account just to punish you. Jesus, It's hard. 

And then losing the guy I was dating ... I felt wanted, sexy, fun. He felt safe. And he wasn't unkind, he just wasn't into me in the end. Which hurt my self-esteem again, even if it was about him. And my therapist says all I need is another emotionally unavailable guy. And that I myself am really not emotionally available yet. I have been connecting online with some new guys with the object being fun and not a relationship this time round. It just eases the loneliness bc I don't have any divorced girlfriends in town and all my friends are very busy with spouses, kids, jobs, lives. But the pickings are slim and I get a lot of two word "hey babe" introductions. Barf. 

My job has actually been wonderful. It keeps my head out of all the shit and I really enjoy what I do. But I'm exhausted and trying to balance this life with my kids is very hard. 

I'm not giving up. I refuse. I just wish I could fake happiness better. I know my kids feel my sorrow and that eased up so much when I was dating. That was also a period that coincided with a lot less drama in the divorce where we are now heavily involved in weekly meetings to try to co-parent and starting on what i have heard is often the most stressful part of a divorce -- the financial settlement. 

I want to move past anger to acceptance. I want to live in the day and know somehow this will get better. But I feel insecure, screwed with, and afraid. And that's just me being honest. 

I do feel better learning from my therapist and my close friend who is also a therapist that it takes more than 12 months to get over a mess like this. There's actually an unscientific saying that it takes as many months to get over a loss as years that you were together. That means I've got another 8 months to go and probably a lifetime of working on trust issues after that. And I can't always see my progress, but it's there. 

I just wish my kids were smaller. I think I could fake it for them better that way. It's very hard knowing that my kids know I am sad (sometimes sadder than others, of course), worn down, and having trouble handling all this. I don't tell them that, but they are very intuitive, gifted kids, who can feel it. And I'm not up to dragging the three of them around (while they all fight like cats and dogs because they are all traumatized themselves) and pretending like life is grand. 

I hope someday to be reconciled to only seeing them half the time. Having that taken from me ... my life as their primary caretaker, burns worse than TGT. Dating helped that, because it kept me busy and reminded me I really like adult company. 

Anyway, I am rambling. Thanks to you all for reaching out. I so, so appreciate it. 

Sue