walkby,
Sorry I didn't remember that you were the person who'd discussed this.   I was then and still am convinced by your reasoning.  I know my ex believes our son need never know, and he seems to believe that he never would/will--unless I tell him.  Even if this were true (and I'm not convinced it's the case) the certainty of continued secrecy is not a reason to refrain from telling the truth.  It simply relieves my ex of the burden of owning his truth.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 3, 2019 1:41 pm)

Leah,
   Yes, it galls that we are the ones who must live with the fallout from their actions and their cowardice and their need to blame others--us--for outcomes in their lives that are the result of their own actions.  I don't know whether a certain personality type is more prone to a closeted and secret life, or whether a closeted and secret life warps the personality, but in the end it doesn't much matter to us, as we are the ones who end up bearing the consequences of their choices.  At best, people think we should "let it go," "get past it" or "put it in the past," as if our experience were of little consequence.  At worst, we end up looking petty, or unforgiving, fixated on the past--or just plain wrong, and therefore either crazy or vindictive. 
   I know now that this is the reality, and although I find it unfair, and occasionally feel a volcanic anger over that, for the most part, except with one friend, don't speak about my anger.  I try to figure out my responses to those who want to deal out the "get over it" card to me, and get on with building a new life.  To be invalidated, to have my experience invalidated and the far-reaching consequences of what my ex did to me minimized, evokes in me a self that I don't like, so I am finding, as I go along, that in order not to be that person, I am having to drop former friends who express that position. 

OOHC, you are so articulate with it all.  I hope you write about this.  I do think that 'other self' needs expression.  Unpleasant as she may be, she deserves to be heard.  ROAR!!!!   That volcanic rage at the insensitivity that our PC society is showing could do with an outlet and make people take note that this is not just a crazy petty issue.  So many more petty aspects of life are being honoured in ways that validate experiences, why not ours.  God I do hate the irony of us all being victims of homophobia and yet we cannot speak out against it with out actually being labeled with the same!  Weird, just weird. 

  I've written a memoir, not about this, that was a finalist for a national prize.  In fact, I was engaged on a second memoir, on gender ("Not that Kind of Woman" was its working title), for which I'd been awarded a sabbatical leave, when my husband threw the trans crap into the fan. 
   So naturally I've thought about writing about this.  My dilemma in doing that, however, is two fold.  One, I very much don't want to give my ex that much space in my life, and writing about it means I would think about nothing else for the period of time I was writing; and two, I find that when I do talk to people, they know so very little that I have to back fill like a heavy equipment operator.  Then the writing task becomes how do you say it, what form do you give it, how much background is necessary, is it better to write from the experience only and ignore the theoretical and the medical/psychological.  
   I have found that writing here and in a couple of other forums allows me to say what I need to, and to feel that what I know and say can be of use to others. 

"the writing gives me clarity and helps me to sort out some of the things in my head that come from a life with a liar who always dismissed my feelings and perceptions of our marriage."

I feel the same way, but to craft a memoir requires a different sort and degree of attention, and I'm not sure whether I could engage the challenges of form and craft on their own. 

I did find "Sex Changes" helpful, early on, as it, like the stories told here, validated my experience and revealed that my now-ex's behavior wasn't unique.