Hi forum,

About six months ago, my STBX wife told me about TGT. She told me she had been in a relationship with a woman for several months, and had felt SSA as long as she can remember, and was gay.

When she told me, it all seemed to make sense. Everything from the kind of haircuts she got, to the fact that she had never had a boyfriend or even a crush on a boy prior to dating me in college (and I had to ask her out 3 times before she said yes), to the fact that she hated many things traditionally considered 'feminine' (e.g., the color pink), to the fact that I never really felt she was romantically attracted to me (the only time she acted like she was was in front of her parents, I think to prove something to them), to the fact that trying to initiate sex or displays of affection has always felt like trying to convince her to get a root canal (we both grew up very conservative, no sex before marriage).

After she told me, we both moved out of our apartment. I was shocked and depressed for a few months, but I've slowly been building back my life around my friends, hobbies, and career. I have a great support group of friends and family that all know what's going on. We've filed for divorce and have final proceedings in a few weeks. Up until this week, I was starting to feel positive about my future.

BUT! Now she has just texted me to tell me that she is straight and she wants to make amends and get back together. It doesn't seem like she's trying to be manipulative. She says she understands that I probably don't want to get back together and that she will accept that, but she wanted me to know she is straight. She says she just got caught up in the excitement with one person and made a mistake, and that she's not truly gay or attracted to women generally. She says while she has had some SSA in the past, she over-exaggerated it to justify her affair, and that she hasn't ever felt that much SSA. But when I ask her whether she feels 'opposite sex attraction' she just says 'yes' but refuses to give any details when I probe about it.

I am so confused right now, because for the past six months she has been very, very adamant that she is gay; she was always very angry with anyone who questioned her at all. And I've told all my closest friends and family that I'm getting a divorce because my wife came out of the closet. And now all of a sudden she says she's straight. I know her family is very conservative and doesn't believe there there is such thing as 'gay' (i.e., that sexual orientation is a choice); she is also still fairly religious herself and does not 'want' herself to be gay; even though she won't say it, I think she believes there is something fundamentally wrong with being gay, so this experience has been a lot of cognitive dissonance for her. Also, all of her close conservative friends have been having heated arguments with her telling her they don't think she's gay and that she just made a mistake. So I wonder if all that input has finally gotten to her and that's why now she's saying she's not gay? I'm very confused, and don't know how to respond to her request to make amends. This is not how I expected the last few weeks leading up to the divorce to go!

So is she gay? Is this common? What should I do?