TTT was revealed in 2017. We lived together for 17 years supposedly as soulmates and best friends, although never married.  In 2016 I discovered a self video on his IPAD, dressed up as a femme w/lingerie, a dildo in his mouth, masturbating and uttering his femme side. I discovered hidden women’s lingerie, some were mine, which was constantly moved. We slept separately for over a decade and sex was rare. Excuses were our work schedules, his retirement, then my menopause w/ tossing and turning etc. 
     It seems we were having fights since 2015. I threatened to leave him and stuck to my guns. He said he was sorry and started to sleep in our bed and initiate sex. Sex was so different as he had difficulty holding an erection and could not orgasm.  I suggested visiting his MD for a physical & possibly needed Viagra. He went for physicals but never told the MD about his sexual difficulties. 
     In 2016 after a fight, he apologized and said the reason was his cross dressing. After the reveal, he started wearing lingerie at will and during sex.  Then he told me that he thought he was gay, not sure, as he had sex as a teenager w/ a neighbor boy and loved it.  After that reveal, he brought up his anal sex toys into the bedroom & wanted me to use those on him. He suggested I get a strap on, but I declined.  Lo and behold, he was able to have an erection and orgasm only through self masturbation and anal stimulation, as he knew how to do it & I couldn’t do it right.
     In 2017 he talked about marriage, to do the right thing, and his mom suggested it.  We bought rings but I hesitated because I could see his good behavior slipping.  Throughout the years he would gaslight me, belittle me, talk down to me, talk over me, called me crazy if he felt challenged.  That year he told my sister and daughter that I was ‘confused’ and he was concerned about my memory.  The big reveal happened after suddenly he had 4 episodes of rages within a two week span-calling me names, yelling, and calling me stupid/etc.  Each lasted for about 30 min while we were in the car and I was unable to just walk away.  I was frightened over his beserk behavior...he never raged before & could not figure out what
triggered this.  I told him that we were done as a couple and I did want us living together.  He told me he was gay, then bisexual, but also transgender as he is femme, wants to have breasts and transition with hormones.  He suggested that I was a lesbian and I should wear a strap on. When I stated I was definitely straight, he wanted to be roommates. I broke up with him more about his behavior than TTT.
      We lived our separate lives and I had NO Contact.  Then one day, late 2017, he wanted me to return an item of his that he forgot.  I did. Sudden reveal- he expressed remorse at his awful behavior towards me and asked for my forgiveness. Said he changed, something happened since the day that he had his surgery, that was 2 months before. He is a different person and maybe God had something to do with it.  He had been going to a counselor about his sexuality.  Now he had another story about forced sexual abuse as a boy from a male relative. He still identifies as wanting to be a transgender, maybe HRT and breast implants.  He said he wanted us to be just friends, somehow he made it sexual.
     Fast forward 2019- we both live separately.  He has been on HRT for almost a year & happy that he is developing breasts. Wears makeup, colored toenails and fingernails, wears multiple glittery earrings, jewelry, women’s tops and shoes, growing out his hair.  He is out of the closet and embracing his new life and everything is now progressing at warp speed.  Plans for face lift, breast augmentation, and possibly breast augmentation. He gets attention and talks to strangers about being trans, as he is quite noticeable in a small town and looks more manly than femme.
     I thought I would support him throughout this process of transitioning. And since we are a ‘couple’ and I am his true love and only love, I feel left behind and not important.  I feel invisible.
     Sexually it is a nightmare for me. Although Viagra helps, he still does not orgasm. He presents as autogynephilic-aroused by his lingerie, wanting to be on the bottom and fantasies of being penetrated, submissive, having a p..sy, is a queen, is a woman, wants to be f..ked, he is a slut. Verbalizing this just turns me off during the act.  This is too weird and getting more weird. He does not like the idea that I don’t want to participate with his anal fantasy.   I know he has watches transgender porn for several years and he has quite a collection of male dildos that he does in private.  It’s odd that he claims to be a lesbian and no longer gay.
     This summer I have started to detach to survive.  I have gone to his medical appointments and listen to him endlessly.   I noted behavioral change-clinging onto his phone, taking it to the bathroom, getting notifications and then he laughs and when I ask what is so funny, does not answer. Occasionally moves the IPAD so I can not see what he’s doing. Acting distant and withdrawn. 
     Then the mask started to drop.  We got into an argument over something that was not a big deal. Everything was my fault, etc.  i told him we are done as a couple.  I had discovered on his IPAD that he was on a dating site before we broke up.
     He is desperately wanting us to be friends.  He texts me what he’s doing, invites me to go out to eat with him, go places, to his place for a meal.  I politely say, no thanks.  He has excuses of his behavior- going through puberty at age 60.   He claims to be on this site in 2017 and activated it after I dumped him.  It was to find support from transgenders throughout his lone journey, then it was to find friends, but not dating.  Never mind that he has been to trans support groups.   He misses me and loves me w/his heart and soul.  Oh, and his mom misses me and loves me.   
My take-best friends do not treat friends this way.  I am tired of the game, the excuses.  I know I probably only know the tip of the iceberg and really don’t want to know anymore.  I no longer self blame myself and I no longer feel shame.  I have gone through a barrage of emotions the last 3 years.  Not seeing him in person has released the fog...I can see things clearer. And some of the behaviors from 2017 & 2019 are like deja vu.  He’s going through some crisis and.  My gut tells me he wants to have relations with a transgender or male, as he said in the past twice that he is afraid of disease.  I pay attention to what has come out of his mouth in the past. And his stories change.  He is so charming and believable, but I will not fall for that again.

Last edited by Norah (September 17, 2019 3:18 pm)