OurPath Open Forum
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1 - TheStraitOne
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The beginnings of my story.
My wife of 9 years came out to me as bisexual about two years ago. I kind of blew it off as a non issue, because it didn't feel like it was an issue at the time. I told her as long as she was attracted to me and didn't act on it then we didn't have anything to worry about. Well, fast forwarding to now(about a month ago), apparently it was more of an issue than I think either of us realized. We have had rocky marriage and our intimacy and communication had never worked very well.
We have both started attending therapy sessions, and over the past month things have really intensified. I have started experiencing depression and anxiety as our relationship has gone down this path.However, we are both very fortunate to not have gone down the path of dishonesty or infidelity, and I feel like besides the big elephant in the room, my wife's journey into discovering her sexuality, our marriage is in a better place than it ever has been. Our communication and transparency with all aspects of our life have transformed into something beautiful. We have started communicating instead of arguing, discussing issues before they become bigger problems, and even working through what our future may look like in a calm, emotional, but constructive manner. Our intimacy even seems to improve at times, but its all so confusing, She is into me at times and yet others she doesn't feel like it is natural at all to her. I don't hold any resentment towards her, I am not angry, and I do not place any blame on her. This is what is what it is and its something the two of us are just going to work through.
So what to do? My wife is unsure if she is gay or bisexual at this point in her journey, so we have a lot to discuss. We have talked about opening our relationship to allow her to explore and to allow me to have different needs met. What does this look like for those of you who have experienced it? We have talked about polyamory. What does that look and feel like? We have also discussed separation and divorce. This is a lot to process and I feel like a lot of this lands in my court, because she is open to anything to try and save our marriage. The thought also crosses my mind if this is all just us grasping at straws and possibly delaying the inevitable (divorce).( I don't like the statistical chances we are facing)
Things get complicated and messy for us and I am sure it has for many of you. We have four young children who also happen to be special needs. They are all diagnosed with SPD, ADHD, and severe Anxiety, so what would we tell them and how would this effect their lives considering they are experiencing extra obstacles? My therapist agrees with me after describing what life is like with our children alone that we have enough on our plates without the extra issues pilled on. Unfortunately, this is our reality.
I ultimately want what is best for all of us, our children, my wife, and for me. I am open for discussion into what you think we should do. I am looking for a positive discussion, leaving all of the negativity and hard feelings I know we are all feeling at the door. Thanks for allowing me to join this community and I hope lots of good comes from it.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: The beginnings of my story.
There is a straightspouse Voices podcast about a couple who ended up staying together in the marital home, because it made financial sense to do so, living in separate parts of the house. But I think they were older and without the challenge of children with challenges of their own.
I'm out at the moment but will post it here when I'm home.
I can say though...a marriage.....that starts out monogamously, and then has one partner wanting to change the dynamics sexually with the other agreeing to this change.....the marriage will never be the same again
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (September 2, 2019 4:48 pm)
KIA KAHA
- morpheus
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Re: The beginnings of my story.
I'm here just to tell my support to you. It must be really hard. Have nothing possitive to mention about taking other oportunities tbh. I'm just glad you both are trying to keep your marriage.
Could i ask about your wife's sexuality changes? Was it something she felt all the time, or it came after shocking moments in her life?
- TheStraitOne
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Re: The beginnings of my story.
Ellexoh_nz
I feel like Polyamory or an open relationship would have to be a completely mutual agreement. I think it would change because we both have sexual needs that aren’t met. Would I prefer this to be met by my wife and wife alone? Sure I would, but we have been married for almost 10 years and the needs haven’t been met for either one us. Would it be the same? No, but we are in a stage of either evolve and stay together, or call it quits. Both options are scary for both us. If we’re able to introduce another women into our relationship(not just for sexual reasons) and both of our needs are met could we be happy?
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Thread Starter- TheStraitOne
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Re: The beginnings of my story.
it wasn’t a secret that she was harboring from me. She was in an extremely conservative religious home growing up. She was taught that homosexuality is wrong and not okay. In our relationship we have slowly loosened those conservative religious views. She has changed so much(for the better IMHO) over the years in her religious views. We both attended a church that was very open to the LGBT community. So was it a traumatic event that caused this?No, I think she has always been this way it was just repressed out of her. Now that she is more comfortable she has been able to look inwards towards her sexuality. Also, as I mentioned above we started seeing therapist, and from those sessions she came to realize how big of intimacy issue we have had in our relationship. She then realized that she needs to fully discover her sexuality, and here is where we have arrived.
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: The beginnings of my story.
TheStraitOne wrote:
Ellexoh_nz
I feel like Polyamory or an open relationship would have to be a completely mutual agreement. I think it would change because we both have sexual needs that aren’t met. Would I prefer this to be met by my wife and wife alone? Sure I would, but we have been married for almost 10 years and the needs haven’t been met for either one us. Would it be the same? No, but we are in a stage of either evolve and stay together, or call it quits. Both options are scary for both us. If we’re able to introduce another women into our relationship(not just for sexual reasons) and both of our needs are met could we be happy?
Each r'ship/marriage is different to every other one Strait 
If you and your wife can build your own Bridge of Compromise, change your life together AND make it work....more power to you
Here is the Voices podcast I spoke of...
KIA KAHA
- a_dads_straight_journey
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Re: The beginnings of my story.
TSO,
Being on the other side of divorce with one of two adopted children receiving special education services, I can share the following observations. Even under the most collaborative co-parenting arrangements,after all assets are split, and the dust settles, it’s at least a 30% hit in time and money in managing single parenting logistics across 2 households. With four children, I imagine it would be more difficult.
Regarding opening the relationship, that will take a lot of trust AND communication and continued negotiation as you both evolve. That’s is a tall order if you are also raising children with additional needs. You said both your needs aren’t being met - ask yourself are those emotional or sexual or both. And it sounds like you are looking for a third party to meet both your needs. That sounds like a tall order for that third party. If your wife is truly gay is she going to want an emotional connection with that person? Are you?
I expect these are questions you are already asking yourselves.
The essence of your dilemma is libido and intimacy vs family. I seriously considered attempting a MOM to keep my family together, but I concluded I wouldn’t find the type of intimacy I was seeking in an open relationship. Me ex wanted her own partner and it would have been parallel lives at my expense. I do believe there is a very small set of couples that can navigate this without either party shrinking because of their mutual respect and generosity in many elements of their relationship.
Most folks on this forum could not find that generous reciprocity.
I’m not sure I’ve helped but you asked for objective perspectives.
All the best,
ADSJ
- Rob
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Re: The beginnings of my story.
Strait,
I could not do it. Left with the kids..when my then wife went out with friends...were they shopping or having sex? I would physically shake with the stress and trauma.
How could I give 100% for the kids, her, work etc if I was an emotional wreck? What kind of person does this to another and thinks it's ok?
I'm glad you can discuss things kindly in couples therapy but I'm not sure therapy will solve your problem.. You need to decide what you can live with ..i could not not do it..
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- TheStraitOne
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Re: The beginnings of my story.
Rob,
I'm so sorry you had to experience all of this. I imagine an open relationship in which we are communicating about what relationships are taking place. I know the feeling of anxiety for sure. I know for 100% certain that my wife would never lie to me about anything that is going on. I have also found that releasing all of my feeling and asking the questions when they come up provides with comfort in the long run. Am I sure that couples therapy and our new found communication break-through is going to fix everything? No, I am certainly not sure of anything right now. I know that if it is possible to save our marriage where BOTH of us can be happy and have ALL of our needs met then I'm game. Only of it works for BOTH of us!
When you say you could not do it, are you referring to an open or poly amorous relationship?
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Thread Starter- TheStraitOne
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Re: The beginnings of my story.
TSO,
Being on the other side of divorce with one of two adopted children receiving special education services, I can share the following observations. Even under the most collaborative co-parenting arrangements,after all assets are split, and the dust settles, it’s at least a 30% hit in time and money in managing single parenting logistics across 2 households. With four children, I imagine it would be more difficult.
Regarding opening the relationship, that will take a lot of trust AND communication and continued negotiation as you both evolve. That’s is a tall order if you are also raising children with additional needs. You said both your needs aren’t being met - ask yourself are those emotional or sexual or both. And it sounds like you are looking for a third party to meet both your needs. That sounds like a tall order for that third party. If your wife is truly gay is she going to want an emotional connection with that person? Are you?
I expect these are questions you are already asking yourselves.
The essence of your dilemma is libido and intimacy vs family. I seriously considered attempting a MOM to keep my family together, but I concluded I wouldn’t find the type of intimacy I was seeking in an open relationship. Me ex wanted her own partner and it would have been parallel lives at my expense. I do believe there is a very small set of couples that can navigate this without either party shrinking because of their mutual respect and generosity in many elements of their relationship.
Most folks on this forum could not find that generous reciprocity.
I’m not sure I’ve helped but you asked for objective perspectives.
All the best,
ADSJ
ADSJ,
Thanks for your response.These are all very valid questions. Several things have come up in our conversations and maybe you can shed some light on your findings. The first thing that has come is an Open Marriage would have to be first, because she is still in her journey to finding out whether she is bi/gay. She thinks this would clarify things. This would be the most difficult thing for me to deal with. If we go down the road of Polyamory we would definitely both be looking for that emotional connection not just a superficial one. It is definitely worth thinking about how that would look for another partner and they would have to be a perfect fit. With the kiddos and all of the things that go on in our life it would be a lot!
TSO
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Thread Starter