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1 of 1- Shouldofknown
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am I his cover ??? Will some of y’all reading this respond ? 😢
Being the not so very observant person, I guess I’ve missed it. Tis a long story and I’ll try to be short. We’ve been married only 5 years. (We are early 50s) The first 3 years of marriage I thought he was just being wild and kinky wanting to see me have sex with another man. So I bought the whole voyaher (so?) thing .. he has small penis so I assumed this played into his kinky ness too ..I don’t know. Well after we played a little couple years ... before ya know it he mentions he wants to participate BUT not with me with the male. Gosh I can’t really say more as I don’t want to freak peeps out but anyhow bla .. I finally got tired of this and never really truly cared for this anyhow ..I always had to have lots of alcohol in me to play like this. I finally just said no when he would ask. Told him it isn’t safe. Well so the last two years we together have not had any encounters like that. Within the last year I did happen to see some gay porn on his cell. I didn’t say anything to him .. just thought wow ok he still likes that. History of us (sexually) was like one said very mechanical, not much passion, I always initiated. He never has been the cuddling those blamed it on his shoulders messed up and needed room to move around. So much in my head now .. anyhow I’ve noticed behavioral changes with him (seems always on the phone texting, for some reason wouldn’t let me get in his truck one day, he is very short with me, not much to say..) he is just not the same. So NOW the once in observant wife is very observant. I found a condom in his wallet (we don’t use them ..lol hell we don’t ever have sex), his viagra has about 6 pills unaccounted for (not being used on me obviously) Mind you this condom is a Magnum !?! Like isn’t that for men that are well endowed ? NOT gona fit my husband. I was shocked when I saw .. I didn’t say anything. 2 wks later I come home from being out of town over the wkend and he shaved down (not bare) his chest and stomach 😳 and trimmed his underarm hair ! He has NEVER done this. He had a procedure done two days later and he tried to hide but I could see as I tried to see and noticed his private area was naked!!! I have not said one word. Is my husband GAY??? Am I his cover being the wife ?? 😭
Last edited by Shouldofknown (September 2, 2019 12:24 am)
- Abby
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Re: am I his cover ??? Will some of y’all reading this respond ? 😢
This seems like a good time to share with you the mantra that got me past trying to figure my now-ex out:
"Whatever he is he isn't for me."
Is this what you wanted five years ago when you married him? Is this how you want your life to be now? Does it really matter if he's gay or not when he should be history?
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Shouldofknown
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Re: am I his cover ??? Will some of y’all reading this respond ? 😢
Thanks for responding Abby! I recall reading that mantra somewhere in this forum ..I guess it was your story or post. I recall when we married, he said ‘this’ (meaning having fun with another male in the bed) isn’t what our marriage is based on. I remember this clear as day. Obviously he lied. No this is not what I want in my marriage as I stopped playing around 2 years ago. I believe I may have been the perfect storm for him to basically come to terms with his own sexuality. I was fun and allowing him to be kinky and around naked men. I recall one of our last times we actually had sex he really enjoyed sucking NOT licking on one of my toys. He even came out and told me he wanted to suck a c*ck while we were romping in the hay. I believe it’s obvious he is gay. Do straight men shave their chest/stomach and trim underarm hair? I ain’t trying to be funny but I don’t think they do. I really thought he was just being kinky and heck I didn’t mind playing kinky for a while but then I basically started up and realized this is actually very dangerous as these were strangers we were meeting up with. (Mostly young men) I am scared to death now for my future. He is the type to have me guess this ..to figure it out on my own. I know him and more and more I think about it .. i came into the marriage with little but what little I did have, we sold my home, agreed to give my car to last child leaving nesf (my child from previous marriage) and even sold my bed ..we now have his expensive sleep number. I dang sure ain’t walking out in the negative ..I guess I need to see an atty and see what rights I have. He makes a good amount for a living and I just want I guess equivalent to what I had when I came into the marriage. I have so many emotions and still wonder what he is doing in there on laptop middle of night and crap on his cell. Both are on lock down and I don’t demand to see either as I am not financially prepared for my future. I agree with your mantra ‘whatever he is he isn’t for me’
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Thread Starter- Daryl
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Re: am I his cover ??? Will some of y’all reading this respond ? 😢
When a spouse wants you to engage in activities you are not comfortable with or might even be dangerous, you have the right to say no. What you've observed is certainly great cause for concern.
Seeing an attorney would be a good idea. Generally speaking you are entitled to what you brought into the union plus 50% of the net increase of your combined assets. Of course alternate arrangements can also be negotiated, but let that be handled by an attorney. You should also look into finding a counselor to help deal with the stress.
I would offer a word of caution about this. It may be hard but you should keep very quiet about what you plan to do until you are ready to proceed. He might be eager to offer a good deal and keep things quiet or he might become nasty and try to hide assets. You shouldn't feel bad about concealing your plans since he's obviously hiding something from you on his devices.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Shouldofknown
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Re: am I his cover ??? Will some of y’all reading this respond ? 😢
Thanks for responding! Yea I have wondered what his ‘deal’ would be if any. I’m not game for staying or being bought to stay and continue being his cover. I don’t have much money but I’d rather live low income and have my integrity and peace back then to stay living like this. I am trying to put back money little by little when I go to the grocery store. I’m just a wreck inside and scared of my future. I do appreciate your advise and will keep quiet until I speak to an atty.
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Thread Starter- morpheus
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Re: am I his cover ??? Will some of y’all reading this respond ? 😢
You have done everything right. You tried, it didn't work, now you will search for the best option available to escape.
Yes, he is gay or "very" bisexual. Not because he's shaving, but because he is sucking your toys, watches gay porn, has condoms for his partners, likes to have sex with men. There is no chance he is straight. He may have feelings for you, but it's not what you would suspect.
You have done your first steps here. Next you should go to attorney and counselor, if possible.
- walkbymyself
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Re: am I his cover ??? Will some of y’all reading this respond ? 😢
You can drive yourself crazy waiting for proof "to a mathematical certainty" and you can drive yourself crazy waiting for him to admit it to you. He is gay. From what you describe, that's what he is.
- Norah
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Re: am I his cover ??? Will some of y’all reading this respond ? 😢
To ‘shouldofknown’,
It’s not up to us to provide a label to our partner’s sexuality, and yes it makes us crazy trying to figure it out. Our gut tells us that all of this changed strange behavior is out of the ordinary for a straight male.
It doesn’t help that the Internet has articles that Crossdressing and anal sex is normal for straight men. As in my case, it was an accumulation of behaviors that did not add up- watching transgender porn, insistence on anal sex, cross dressing and hiding it, hiding sex toys, lack of intimacy for years, sleeping in separate beds, impotence with intercourse, but he was able to become erect and orgasm with self stimulation. A lot of this was done in secret and revealed after several rage attacks when I threatened to leave. When he had demonstrated autogynephilic behaviors, I knew this was in the DSM of mental health disorders as well as his self proclaimed gender dysphoria.
As for labels, he has changed his labels in the last 2 years- maybe gay (had gay sex as a teenager & loved it, wants c..ck and wants his c..ck pleasured, but won’t because of disease) Is bisexual, trans femme, not gay, trans lesbian, trans non-binary, now trans female. He has not been truthful, as I discovered when he stated the ‘ I am not gay’ one of his passwords at that time was was J... is Gay! When he was on the dating site the first time, he stated he swung from both sides. When I approached him about someone seeing that, he flatly denied that. Now that he was secretly on a dating site again before our breakup, he has had versions of being on it to meet trans friends ‘to help me on this lonely journey for friendship only.” Yet it stated on the site he was interested in women. After the final breakup, says he wants to have a relationship w/ a trans MTF with a penis. Says straight women don’t get it. So here we are, how much is this bull, is his sexuality evolving, is he GID, who cares?
As for being used for his cover, absolutely I think I was used for cover. He told his family in 2017 that we broke up because he was gay. His mother was shocked. He did not tell them about his trans femme & CD. After getting back together after his sudden epiphany, regret, remorse, and God changed behavior, he told his brother and family that he was not gay and back together w/ me. In 2018 he started transitioning w/ hormone, proudly told his family and bragged that we were a couple and in love. After breakup #2 this fall, he has tried to lure me back in, probably as cover, as his mom cried and loves me so much.
So who really knows how long these secretive behaviors have been going on. Don’t rely on much truth, sometimes we hear half truths or blatant lies. Needless to say it has been crazy and mind blowing. I used to rely too heavily on what was said as truth. Actions do speak louder than words.
Do straight men shave? Maybe a metrosexual young man? Well this now 60 yr old man started shaving his legs about 4 yrs ago & his reasoning was because swimmers do it. Ridiculous as he was a casual swimmer. It escalated to his chest, abdomen, armpits, back, pubic & scrotal, as well as his toe hair. Since we seldom had any intimacy, it was a shock to discover he was hairless. All of these are red flags. And more and more weird as time goes on,
Shouldofknown- I was in the dark for so long, discovered certain things by investigating when my gut told me something was ‘off’. I felt so unbalanced and confused. Listen to your gut. Your heart will tell you when you have had enough. I’m in the beginning of trying to heal. Final #2 breakup 8/28/19. My story is under Support eyes wide open- trying to heal. Be kind to yourself. Don’t self blame or shame. We are all here for each other. ❤️
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: am I his cover ??? Will some of y’all reading this respond ? 😢
Norah,
It's an incremental process of redefining normal, isn't it, like the proverbial frog in a pot of water slowly coming to a boil. And what we know is only the tip of the iceberg--they act in secret in ways we never expect.
They also isolate us in so many ways ways: their needs over the years seem overwhelming so we focus on them; what we do see of their behavior is so off to us that we feel apart from others who live normal lives; they don't want to have couples as friends, so we end up without friends.
It's a lifetime of gaslighting and manipulation on their part, all organized around their secrets, confusion, and self-denial and self-indulgence.
You're right: in the end, it doesn't matter "what" they are, or how they define themselves. What matters--what is the most basic truth--is that they are supremely disturbed individuals, and our best course of action is to disengage from them, and from all their drama. This means no longer trying to figure them out, no more caretaking them, no more finding excuses for their behavior and their mistreatment of us, no more secrecy. It means learning about narcissism and abuse, and their accompanying behavior. Above all, it means focusing on ourselves and our healing--which, of course, in their eyes is the ultimate betrayal--because their problems are not ours to bear or to solve.