congrats on standing your ground - that's the value of a well-turned field - all your efforts to think it through and understand.  If you are worried about the divorce then try and lean into those thoughts and see if you can pick what is making you anxious.  After a memorable dream - that I was a big white goose with all these lovely feathers sparkling with a bright warmth, in a state of innocent happiness I was sitting on my nest there came this grey hand creeping underneath and stealing handfuls of golden coins. omg I woke up at that point.  And was able to recognise that that was more than a metaphor for my marriage, it was about what was happening in the now - he was siphoning off handfuls of money out of our joint account.

there's nothing can prepare you for divorce,  staying in the house and making him move is a great start.  I wasn't able to manage that but I was lucky enough to have a great lawyer - she told me this is what family court would award you if you went to court so stick out for that amount and don't accept less.  

wishing you lots of good luck and enjoy the bliss of relaxing in your own company.  xox Lily

OMO2F: I just started this book -- thanks so much for directing me toward it.

I am in the process of divorce now, and living separately from my husband.  On days when I don't have to deal with him, I'm doing a lot better than on days when I have to respond or interact.  Part of what happened in my marriage included not just the sexual secrets and hidden activity, but as I came to discover, financial misconduct as well.  I don't know the extent of the damage yet; I may never find out -- the expense of hiring forensic accountants may be prohibitive.  But, a lot of the manipulative tactics he used to keep me in the dark about his sex life, he also used to keep me from discovering his financial misconduct, and that includes reinforcing my helplessness and dependency on him for all information.  I get so embarrassed and ashamed when my lawyer asks me questions about our finances, because it's always been kept a mystery to me.  Like for example, we have an accountant who prepares our joint returns, but they're ridiculously complicated.  The other day, my lawyer forwarded an e-mail from my husband's lawyer, attaching our 2018 tax returns.  I'm supposed to "review" and "comment" and my first thought was, why do I get my own tax return from my husband's lawyer?  Why doesn't the accountant share information with me directly?  For that matter, why isn't every single communication between my husband and our accountant cc'd to me, so I can see what's going on?  Why am I seeing this for the first time from my husband's lawyer?

It's like it's re-traumatizing in it's own tiny little limited way, but it's a reminder of how powerless I am in this marriage.  Anything that reminds me of how helpless and impotent I am, re-traumatizes me.  This is just one more, and if I get angry -- I risk coming off looking like a crazy woman, freaking out because her accountant didn't send her the tax returns directly, but for me, this is triggering a much larger trauma.

beingatpeace wrote:

I also have this deep sadness that comes from inside that I just can't smile.

Same. It's grief. And it's okay. You're not alone. I'm feeling better than I was at first but the genuine, happy smiles just don't come anymore. I think sometimes my ability to smile is gone for good. I try not to force it because that just reinforces how big that hole in my heart is. Probably scares people too because it's so unnatural. I'm trying to be patient. Healing is slow work for me. I think if I can ever truly smile again then I will know that I'm my old self. Until then I just do the best I can. Don't be tough on yourself if you feel the same. I'm sure you are doing the best you can as well.