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Last edited by MJM017 (August 28, 2019 7:07 am)

Hi Phoenix, 
Great idea for an article!  
     If I had to pick one thing that truly would have made healing easier, it is honesty.  I mean honesty across the board.  My ex has told different things to different people.  He gasped out an apology before actually fading in and out of consciousness, during the conversation where I confronted him in private.  Everything else out of his mouth has been about how awful I was.  To our children, to his co-workers, to friends and family.  There has been no acknowledgment of any pain caused.  Only blame.  
     His behavior is such that we have had to set up some major boundaries.  The older 3 kids don't see him at all.  The younger two still have to by court order, but desperately do not want to.  We could have worked through the pain, the change.  We had a LOT of family counseling.  But it was more important for him to be "blameless" than honest.  
     In writing this, I guess I'm saying two things:  Honesty and Acknowledgment. 

     My advice to a spouse needing to come out: 
1. Don't pretend to be straight in the first place. 
2. If you did, acknowledge that it was wrong of you to do so.  There is no reason that makes this ok.
3.  Be honest in all things.  It's where forgiveness might start. 
4.  Acknowledge that your spouse is going to weather this in a very different way than you, and that does not equal unsupportive. 
5.  You are not, at your core, the person your spouse married.     

Phoenix, I cannot imagine a GID spouse following these suggestions either, but it's worth putting out there!  I also acknowledge that these are very simple statements for a very complex problem.  My children and I have been through so much, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.  I can't believe that we could cover in an article the sick variety of harm that has been done to straight spouses and their families.  

I think this is a great idea, Phoenix. The news will never be less shocking or easier to bear, but the delivery can certainly be more delicate. Many of our spouses seem to take the kick-them-while-they're-down approach to "coming out".

My advice to the non-straight spouse:
1. Don’t come out on a significant day (birthday, holiday, anniversary, etc.)
2. Do not use your coming out as a time to talk about your general unhappiness in the marriage. Your spouse is likely (irrationally) blaming him/herself for your same-sex attraction.
3. Do not shift the blame onto your spouse: “If I felt respected…” “If I felt that you really loved me…” (etc.) this gay/bisexual thing would never even have come up…” as if your spouse somehow triggered “the gay button.”
4. Take accountability for the dishonesty, deception, and betrayal.
5. Show empathy toward your spouse.
6. Do not force your spouse into the dark, miserable closet. He/she will desperately need to talk to someone outside of the marriage (a friend, relative, etc.)
7. Do not come out to others (non-professionals) before your spouse. This one was particularly hurtful to me….the fact that someone out there (3 people, actually) knew my whole world was about to be turned upside down while I was completely in the dark.
8. Do the kind/loving thing and leave. Do not give your spouse false hope or stay in the marriage to protect your closet. Do not force your spouse (who is likely desperate to keep the family intact) to make the incredibly difficult decision to end the marriage.