You're doing the best you can in a situation designed to beat you down.  
    I'm not a lawyer, but when you say your lawyer has given something away, I assume that he's made this an offer as part of negotiations, rather than actually giving it away--because you would have to sign on an agreement, yes?  
  If your stbx is stealing funds from you, I wonder if you might look into hiring a forensic accountant.  That's more money, of course, just like getting a new lawyer would be.  I think it's important to be able to communicate with and trust your lawyer, because then you can let the lawyer handle the negotiations with your spouse (and his lawyer), instead of communicating directly with your stbx.  If you don't feel heard, is it possible to say this to your lawyer?  
    
    It sucks.  It well and truly sucks.  All of it.    You need to do what you can to get through it.  It helps if you have friends you can rant to, or a therapist to help you with strategies you can use.   Remember that the court doesn't care about crazy; it cares about evidence.  And there is evidence that your stbx is helping himself to joint marital property.  

  Sorry you are in the middle of what is a horrible, horrible stage in divorcing.

Edited to add:  Meanwhile, cut your nails short and wear a hat when you can.  I had a student who has that condition in which you pick at your scalp and pull your hair out, and that was something she did.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 23, 2019 10:32 am)

I know the feeling of being had. Your STBXH is in deep doodoo for doing this in the middle of a divorce. If you haven’t already, gather all your evidence asap, including going to the financial institution. The next step is filing a police report. They won’t do anything at this point, but it’s important to record financial malfeasance with the authorities. Break this joint account into two. Have half the income go into one account for you & the other for STBXH. There’s lot of advice on google how to protect yourself financially during a divorce. I read up on that and laws for my jurisdiction.

I did this because my lawyer was great in giving me ideas on how to get a fair settlement, but played dirty lawyer tricks elsewhere.  They did not answer emails for a month. Desperate me kept sending them. I was charged for her reading all my desperate where are you emails.   I learned not to involve them unnecessarily. They know you are going through a rough time and emotions are heightened.  That equals lots more billable hours. I wouldn’t talk to his attorney either. Again, dirty lawyer tricks. I would email her if you have anything to discuss vis a vis the divorce, contact my attorney. Never contact me again. Her reading that will cost your STBXH billable attorney time.  Good!

I kept any email/texts/calls  to STBXH to the bare minimum. Trouble making spouses like to rile you up into saying something you may regret. Lawyers live for this to hike up those billable hours. Mine charged $350/hr.

My crazy spouse liked to create drama as part of his daily life. It felt good for me to ignore him.

In California, you can fire your lawyer and get your retainer returned. You can file your own form to do it at superior court. The new one will pick up where the other left behind. If you do this, have another one ready to take over immediately.

I know you know all this, but want to give you support. Divorce is hard with a normal spouse. With a disordered, nasty one, it is a nightmare.

I survived my GIDXHs nuttier self during divorce. I know you will too. Do self-care and sending you good thoughts.

Last edited by MJM017 (August 23, 2019 12:47 pm)

One of the things I decided was I would never have a male lawyer

Sending you warm vibes Walkby...is there nobody you can call for moral support?

You might also consider asking the court if they can transfer management of the property to you along with the money to do it if he's mishandling the funds. At least then, you're in charge of distribution and he doesn't have access to the money.

Here's the big issue.  I know I can ask the court for stuff.  I don't get a chance to appear in court until November 5.  The problem I have is that my husband knows perfectly well that by the time November rolls around, this particular outrage is going to be eclipsed by the next ten outrages.  I'm already seething with rage because he cut off all my money in June and July, knowing I wouldn't have a support order in place until August.  

So I had to live on credit cards, and when my lawyer was drawing up the support stipulation  I told him I needed my cc's paid down to zero because the amount of support is only enough to pay my ongoing expenses.  My lawyer instead agreed to "reserve" that issue.  So that's for November.

The system isn't designed to enforce my rights when it comes to amounts this low.  I have rights.  But, it costs more to enforce those rights than I'll get back, and the claim that my husband can be made to pay my costs is laughably toothless.

And, it all comes back to the original sin, that he can hide money from me and any legal recourse I have is toothless and meaningless, because the hearing isn't in place to resolve issues like this -- it's a hearing to formalize my existing support hearing. 

My anger comes from this: the original sin, that he hid finances from me and stole from me to pay for thousands and thousands of dollars siphoned off to prostitutes, in addition to taking money and using it to maintain property he now claims is his separate premarital property.  All of it stems from the fact that he was cheating on me.  I can't escape that and just focus on the finances, and the only thing the system is set up to deal with is finances.  

I end up sounding like a crazy woman trying to get lawyers to understand this: he claims "we" are overspending but he has started managing all community finances from an account I am not named on, so I don't know what he's doing.  And the lawyers don't get why that's a trick.  I will ask my husband why our expenses exceed cashflow, and he'll just list a few big expenses verbally.  I'll say I need to see bank statements, and he'll say "Really?  What would you like to know?" and then he'll just tell me stuff, but I don't get to see the statements or trace the money.  

The first time I ever saw my own bank statement, I saw the reason why he'd worked so hard to prevent me from seeing my own bank statements.  The pattern of cash withdrawals, and the pattern of large cash transfers to another account.  That's why he wasn't sharing our bank statements with me.  Those two things.

I want my own lawyer, at least, to understand this is why we don't trust my husband with money and no oversight.