Can you try to look at this as if it were a business event and your goal is to mingle and make contacts? Perhaps you will meet someone with a common interest and even if it is for only this event it could be better than being alone with your thoughts. 

From what you have written about your job I think you have the skills to pull this off. 

 

If you have decided that you have to go to this wedding, then maybe this can help. 

    I have found it helpful through this whole ordeal to list things in two categories: those things I have control over, like tasks to do, and those things I have no control over.   I tackle them separately.

    So, can you make a list of those things that are in your control, tasks you just have to figure out how to do?  Like, reserve the hotel room, contact someone to ask if you can hitch a ride with them from the hotel to the reception, and someone who will serve as your "buddy" while you're there, someone you can check in with, even if you don't sit with them?  Those are tasks, something you can take control of.  Taking control will help you feel more in control.

  As for the things you have no control over--like your friend finking out and your husband's wigging out--those things you have to confront another way.  Yes, it's intolerable to live in someone else's closet and to live a lie in public; it's especially difficult to go to a wedding when your own marriage is falling apart. 

    Maybe you could reframe things a bit in a way that will help you get through the event.  There are likely to be other people at that wedding for whom a wedding will also be difficult: the recently widowed, for example, or those whose spouses are cheating, who have just divorced for reasons that aren't their fault, or are in a marriage suffering domestic abuse.  Your situation is different than theirs, but I guarantee you won't be alone in seeing the wedding as a challenge. 

    As for the lies you have to tell to keep your husband's activities secret, the fact is that as long as you are determined to continue to live with your husband you will be faced with this problem, so you will have to develop a script for yourself and a repertoire of phrases to cover over the truth. You don't have to over-share, either: in this case, a simple "we had problems getting a sitter" will suffice.  

  

I think OOHC has some good advice for you here. I would also say that there is no shame in cutting out a little early if it starts hurting. Having a back up activity like a nearby spa or a movie you want to see can help alleviate some of the pain with something enjoyable too. Go on a nice stroll for some fresh air if money is tight. Window shop. Try and look at this as a break from your 10 by 10! If you still aren't feeling it, make a suitable appearance and bow out if or when you want.

Edited to add that if leaving the venue isn't an option, maybe bring a good book and find a quiet spot with some free wedding nibbles. You can always reappear later after you've taken a needed break from the festivities.

Last edited by Whirligig (August 22, 2019 8:09 pm)

I cant bail out on the wedding. I will just have to book my hotel like pulling off a bandaid fast and just follow through with my plan. It just also sucks because i am away from my daughter a whole day and night and i am never away that long from her so its added stress. And that makes me angry because had he not been this way i wouldnt have to go through all this to JUST attend a wedding when i could just go with him and go home afterwards!

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Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 5:45 pm)