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August 18, 2019 3:41 pm  #1


New here, and my world was shattered this week... Help!

Hi everyone 👋

So my wife of 3 years recently asked me to go to therapy with her.  After some sessions I felt really positive about where we were heading.  However this week she dropped the bomb that she thinks she might be gay and that she had felt this way since she was probably in JR High but it was reinforced that this idea was "wrong" in her childhood home.

She says she doesn't want to divorce and she loves our life.  I want to support her as she finds out more about this feeling yet at the same time I feel broken into a million pieces.  I don't know how to protect my own heart or how or what my life will be like on the other side of this.

Last edited by Dazerack (August 18, 2019 3:42 pm)

 

August 18, 2019 4:55 pm  #2


Re: New here, and my world was shattered this week... Help!

Hello, Dazerack. I guess, just guess, everything would be just ok, but different from what you knew before. I'll be honest - i don't think anyone knows exactly, how to deal with situations like this, so that there would be no pain or confusion. 

I think that your spouse is a really good person. I believe, that her move to introduce you to her inner things is the only "right" way she could act. Also, i have to tell you, that there's no easy way to tell such news. And i think that telling you before things go downhill is a sign that she respects your feelings. Not that i think that it's easier to accept news you'll have to live with now. It's just more respectful to you and easier to listen when you're at counselor.

Not here to scare you, but you two will most probably divorce. I just wanna be sure you understand, that she is now not the same person you've loved. Well, she acts the same, but her identity is other. There are miracles (stories of success of mixed families) and your's story could be one, but i'm not going to lie you - most probably your ways would separate. If you'd later read stories in this forum, you'll understand, that it's not the worst ending.

I fully understand, that your ground is shaking now, you don't know how to defend yourself and you family. You feel empty and your emotions are on a rollercoaster. That's how you already deal with this challenge - everybody here is going through this. It's a normal reaction.

We may hypothetically contemplate here about your family's future, if you two decide to stay together, if you want it.
Both of you will have to draw new ethical and moral lines in your's life. For example, it could be a celibaty or open relationships. I don't know if you two are ready for this. Only you two could get an answer to this. 

She feels guilty now. One big guilty for failing her family (became someone they don't tolerate), also she feels guilty for you (for living in her cage and having you besides). So she may be just trying to defend you or herself from pain. 

I know that it won't help much to you, but you may call yourself lucky, that your spouse found herself at "early stages". Most of people here had 2-3 decades of marriage and have several kids before coming out.

Thing to do?
Find a counselor. Talk to someone smarter and understanding things. It helps to release emotions and form thoughts.
Talk to your wife. You both have to decide if challenges you'll face, are worth it. ("She thinks she might be gay" - what does it means for her? Is she thinking about finding "new herself" by getting a new partner? What is your place in her world? Would you tolerate that? Would you let her "to know herself" for some time and then come back, if she's "not gay"? Would she come back?). That's only some thoughts about this situation. And you both have to talk openly about things like that.
And the most important - you have to accept this thing as your new reality. Things happen, you'll go through this. Force majeure happened to you, now you have to answer for yourself, what would you both choose and how you'll deal with it. Try to keep yourself on the bright side, but don't blame yourself if you couldn't find answers right now. You have all the time you need to get into the situation.

Good luck, Dazerack, you are not alone. We're here not only to get help, but to support other's, even if it's only a forum with some strangers. There are hundreds of families, that goes through things like this. Feel free to write any question or just your simple thoughts about this messy. It may help you to calm down. 

Last edited by morpheus (August 18, 2019 5:25 pm)

 

August 18, 2019 7:01 pm  #3


Re: New here, and my world was shattered this week... Help!

Hello Dazerack, I recommend reading the First Aid Kit post - pinned to the top forum. Not all of it may apply to you but pull out what does. Don't neglect yourself in "her journey", it's part of yours as well. Continuing therapy together is probably a good idea but so is some solo therapy for yourself, probably with a different counselor. As morpheus mentions - talk and be honest. Come here anytime, even just to vent.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

August 18, 2019 7:32 pm  #4


Re: New here, and my world was shattered this week... Help!

Yes, I second the idea of talking it through with someone other than her therapist.  I am sorry but what you are describing sounds to me like you are being buttered up to accept a lesbian wife and not being asked if you want it - if it's in your best interests.

You feel like you are in a million pieces, that is a big statement, not fanciful and yes, that is where you must focus - on helping yourself, looking after your heart - in every way.  Hopefully you have someone, family or friend you can talk about this with, it will help enormously if you can.

you will get through this, promise, just the step in front of you one at a time.  

Just fundamentally, marriage to a same sex attracted woman is not what you signed up for and if you want to, you have every reason to look for a good, different future with a straight woman and see it glinting at you from the horizon.

wishing you all the best, Lily

 

 

August 19, 2019 4:10 pm  #5


Re: New here, and my world was shattered this week... Help!

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I think you should also seek therapy without her. I know it would be really hard but cutting off intimacy in the relationship right now is probably best. I know when my ex and I tried to make things work, we were still having intimacy and it really messed with my mind. You need to take care of you right now and the best thing is to get therapy and deal with these issues without additional emotional confusion. 

 

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