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1 of 1- HeatherKimber
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Need to Keep My Mind in the Right Place
Hello everyone! This is my 1st time posting. I was a member of the Str8 email group for awhile a couple years ago. I just found out the Str8 email group is now shut down.
A few years ago, I came as close as I could at catching my significant other (SO) of many years at having an affair with a man. There's no doubt when it was all said and done. Since that time, I've worked on myself and went to college in teaching. I'm trying to get myself in a good place where I have a career and financial security, so I can move out easily. I will be starting student teaching very soon. Afterwards, I'll graduate and take my state's test to get my license to teach. I technically have a few other classes I had planned to do to add an endorsement, which I'll complete by the end of next summer
Well, today, a random, unknown guy showed up at my house when my husband and I were in the yard. The guy didn't see me at first. I was cleaning something on the other side of the house. My SO told me he hired him to help do work at his rental property. Our son is also starting college and will be moving into a dorm on campus this weekend. My SO hasn't helped with preparing for any of it. He's been "working" on the rental and another side job, so he's not home much. I feel very let down and spread thin with him not doing anything at home lately.
I felt I went back to that place when I found out a few years ago that he was cheating with a man, because this is similar to the past. He had an affair with a man he hired to help work on his personal buildings and property. You can imagine what I'm thinking. This guy shows up shirtless, and looks at me, like he's just as shocked to see me as I am to see him. All those past emotions and worries came back in that moment.
Student teaching is going to take a tremendous amount of focus and time. I can't imagine dealing with this type of thing while doing it. I could ignore it and not say anything and pretend everything is okay, but it's not easy when we came to an understanding this wasn't going to happen with me still in the picture. Of course, I'm again afraid for my health, and I don't want anything to do with him if he's back to that life. That took a very long time to process and get to where we are right now. I believed he was on the straight and narrow; there's no indication he's been up to anything until today.
I'm still in a state of shock since it just happened, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I can't imagine moving out and crashing on a family member's couch with student teaching starting next week. It would make things a lot more difficult for me (e.g. it'd add a significant number of miles to my gas cost with them living farther away, there's no bedroom setup where I could easily just go and stay, I don't know if I could get broadband internet there out in the middle of nowhere which last I heard I couldn't.).
And, most important, it'll be a lot for our son to process. I'd have to figure out how to handle it with all involved. I'd have to have that conversation with my SO and fight with him, but I'll probably keep his secret with everyone else, because he'll never come out. I can't imagine saying, "you know the guy I've been with for 23 years, well it turns out he's gay, and I had to leave because he's been having sex with men." He'd NEVER admit to it, so it would be odd me leaving for no reason at such a critical time for everyone, including our son, who has to adjust to college life and doesn't need to deal with his parent's breaking up suddenly as soon as he leaves. I'd rather it be a gradual process, and I move the beginning of summer after my 1st year teaching, once I've saved enough money and we'd be on break, giving my son time to adjust before going back to college and me time to adjust before starting a new school year.
I'm sorry this is so long! Thank you for reading all that! It's nice to find a forum and others who can understand what it's like to go through something like this.
Last edited by HeatherKimber (August 15, 2019 8:43 am)
- Rob
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Re: Need to Keep My Mind in the Right Place
HK,
So sorry. It does eat you up...the anxiety and wondering if he is up to no good.
I'd say just maintain status quo and get your job started,kid to school etc. Do whatever you need to do to survive. Maybe start therapy. You can snoop and check up on him etc...but that will eat you up eventually.
Fwiw..your instincts are probably right.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- control
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Re: Need to Keep My Mind in the Right Place
HK,
So sorry you find yourself in this situation. I also say, do what you have to do to survive. Follow your instincts, they are usually correct.
I regret I did not follow my gut almost 36 years ago. I married a habitual liar. It did nothing but get worse with the years!
Best of luck! Stay strong!
- HeatherKimber
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Re: Need to Keep My Mind in the Right Place
Rob wrote:
HK,
So sorry. It does eat you up...the anxiety and wondering if he is up to no good.
I'd say just maintain status quo and get your job started,kid to school etc. Do whatever you need to do to survive. Maybe start therapy. You can snoop and check up on him etc...but that will eat you up eventually.
Fwiw..your instincts are probably right.
Hi Rob,
Thank you for replying, and the support! It's very true this can eat a person up (especially if I start snooping). The look this guy gave me; it's hard to describe. I asked my SO (significant other) how he met him, which he claims was through work, but he doesn't know the guy's last name or where he lives.
I wish I could go to my therapist, but I'll be putting in 60-80 or more hours a week, and my therapist's hours don't work with mine.
I'll be taking over a 2nd grade class while my supervisor from the college comes and observes me, along with my mentor teacher (the 2nd grade teacher). It's stressful just thinking about doing student teaching. We have to do the edTPA, which is a series of lessons with all this criteria (the direction book is 80 pages), video tape ourselves teaching in the class, and write about it using a template. The sample I saw from a past student was 83 pages typed, and I have to embed videos into it for evidence. My edTPA will be sent to a 3rd party to grade. Then after that's done, I have to completely take over the class, which means planning everything myself, teaching all day, and typed lesson plans of 4-5 pages for every lesson (there are about 6-8 lessons a day) until my supervisor lets me know I can go to the short form 1-2 pages typed for each lesson. I had no idea how much going to college to be a teacher has changed. I don't know when I'll get to sleep with that amount of work. They really pile it on; it's too much without having any problems at home. I also have to write a reflection paper every week, do a research project, and write my philosophy of teaching paper at the end, along with complete a list of online training modules, which I heard some of them take people 3-4 hours to do. There doesn't seem to be enough time in a day for all that, so I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through it even with everything running smoothly at home.
And, to make matters worse, my SO is not helping out with anything at home. He also just sprung it on me he has no money to contribute. Our washer stopped spinning and my car's blinker light keeps burning out, plus my car needs a tune up. I've spent everything I have from my part-time temporary job on other things that are needed. My SO told me he'd fix the car and washer. But, now he has no money, but I'm thinking there's a good chance he's been paying this guy cash even though he tells me the guy is doing the work for an old car, appliances, and other materials. I'm trying to just breath and not let it get to me! I feel like I need to investigate the money, but if I find out he's lying about that, then it opens that can of worms, and I can't imagine dealing with all that entails while student teaching.
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Thread Starter- HeatherKimber
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Re: Need to Keep My Mind in the Right Place
HK,
So sorry you find yourself in this situation. I also say, do what you have to do to survive. Follow your instincts, they are usually correct.
I regret I did not follow my gut almost 36 years ago. I married a habitual liar. It did nothing but get worse with the years!
Best of luck! Stay strong!
Hi, thank you for replying and the support! I'm sorry you're in this boat too! It's a terrible place to find yourself after spending years with someone. I can see how long-time closeted people are natural liars; they've had to do it all their lives. I think my SO even lies to himself, but it's hard to tell since he refuses to talk about it.
There were signs, and sometimes when I think about it, it's difficult to accept I knew on an intuitive level, but didn't trust myself. Hindsight is 20/20. It's such a confusing and complex thing.
Where are you in the journey? Have you left him? Is he out with his sexuality?
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Need to Keep My Mind in the Right Place
it's difficult to accept I knew on an intuitive level, but didn't trust myself.
we naturally override our instinct when the person we trust the most in all the world tells us different. as people say, you wouldn't survive childhood if you couldn't listen when your mother says don't eat those berries.
- MJM017
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Re: Need to Keep My Mind in the Right Place
it's difficult to accept I knew on an intuitive level, but didn't trust myself.
we naturally override our instinct when the person we trust the most in all the world tells us different. as people say, you wouldn't survive childhood if you couldn't listen when your mother says don't eat those berries.
Hi and am so sorry you’re going through this. Not sure if these GIDH’s follow the same script. Your h sounds like my ex. No work around the house and no money for household bills. I had a gay son, not a straight husband.
I trusted others (therapists, him) & not my intuition. I thought he was gay when we met. This never left me... for 28 years!
Your plan sounds solid. Take small steps at a time. The process of leaving feels overwhelming at times.
This situation will pass. Take care and thinking good thoughts for you & your son.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- HeatherKimber
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Re: Need to Keep My Mind in the Right Place
it's difficult to accept I knew on an intuitive level, but didn't trust myself.
we naturally override our instinct when the person we trust the most in all the world tells us different. as people say, you wouldn't survive childhood if you couldn't listen when your mother says don't eat those berries.
Hi and am so sorry you’re going through this. Not sure if these GIDH’s follow the same script. Your h sounds like my ex. No work around the house and no money for household bills. I had a gay son, not a straight husband.
I trusted others (therapists, him) & not my intuition. I thought he was gay when we met. This never left me... for 28 years!
Your plan sounds solid. Take small steps at a time. The process of leaving feels overwhelming at times.
This situation will pass. Take care and thinking good thoughts for you & your son.
Thank you MJ. I appreciate the support! I think you're on to something with GIDH's following the same script. I've been reading through the forum and noticed there are a lot who do very little at home. It's like they're stuck in childhood on many levels.
I've been feeling very overwhelmed with starting student teaching and it being the way it is at home. I just got a text out of the blue from my mentor teacher asking me to come in tomorrow in the morning. It's 9:00 pm, and my son move on campus Saturday morning. I have things to do and we planned to do something fun for his last day at home, but I couldn't say no for fear of getting off on the wrong foot with someone who has a lot of power over me. I have to admit, it kind of worries me that she didn't give me much notice.
My GIDH has been giving me the run around, how he's going to take care of this and that, but it's not happening, so I'm left doing all the work to make this happen and drive our son to campus. He can't go, he has to work at night and won't get enough sleep, but yet he just took 2 days vacation days to work on his building project with his newly hired man friend. I'm driving 2 hours one-way down into a major city where I'm not used to driving and figuring out how to do move in day on one of the biggest campuses in the U.S.. They are saying to expect significant traffic delays with thousands of students moving in... I'm not used to 6 lane highways; there's no cities close by with more than 2 lanes.
I'm sorry I'm ranting and rambling on....just so irritated and feeling a lot of anxiety!
Thanks for the well wishes; I got to keep reminding myself this won't last forever and try to enjoy time with my son.
Last edited by HeatherKimber (August 15, 2019 9:04 pm)
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Thread Starter- HeatherKimber
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Re: Need to Keep My Mind in the Right Place
I trusted others (therapists, him) & not my intuition. I thought he was gay when we met. This never left me... for 28 years!
I remember in the very beginning sitting behind him in the car and looking at the back of his head and neck and thinking it looked just like a guy's neck, who was openly gay, that I went to high school with.. LOL...I know, strange, but I thought it. Of course at the time, I told myself I must be losing my mind having those thoughts.
What made you think your GIDH was gay when you met? What happened with your therapist? (if you don't mind sharing)
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Thread Starter- MJM017
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Re: Need to Keep My Mind in the Right Place
My city has the highest concentration of LBTGQ+ people in the US. Went to college and worked with out gay men — some friendships. I felt no chemistry or sexual vibe. No big eyes at me. No oh wow from the eyes & face. The same with my late xh when we first spoke. What’s this gay guy want with me was my 1st thought.
Lack of intimacy after a year of marriage was explained by his childhood sexual abuse. I told the therapist that & she understood. She saw him with me in the waiting room a few times. She spoke to him and he turned on the charm. He was quite tall & had an athletic build.
In our city there is no reason to be in the closet. The therapist went on that, his masculine build and charm. She was wrong.
Last edited by MJM017 (August 15, 2019 10:27 pm)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa