Thanks so much Daryl, your comments have eased my worry a bit. I know things will take time and everything is fresh, it is good to get some perspective on things. It's just like this perfect picture of your future has just been shattered and now you have to try and start again. It's not as if I'm a young man anymore either, I certainly didn't think life would still be throwing me curveballs like this at nearly 40. But again, thank you.

Hello, fellow. My wife told me about her feelings for a woman and about her totaly missing attraction to men about two weeks ago. 
What i learned in these two weeks.
It's a force majeure for both of you.
All of us have differences in our stories, but the most decisive factors are the same - would it be childhood abuse, a recent physical or mental problems - there's something that catalyses her feelings.
You may change nothing yourself. You may not change her nature, neither you could somehow reverse her back.
Go to therapy. I cried for 5 days before i got to counselor and i'm not the one who cries easily. Last time i cried was at his couch. It really helps.
Let her to choose, what happens next. You are not in charge here. It must be her own decision. Maybe she's willing to stay, if so - how she suggests to behave?
Keep your own sanity. Try to eat, sleep and do your daily things normaly. Don't panic if you can do nothing at all. I've been in shock for first several days, i just was at home and tried not to cry beside our kid.
You may also go to counselor together, where you would learn that she can't stand sex with men, that she's in depression because of her mental entrapment and so on.

Actually, there are several ways to choose. You may stay together for a family matter, because you're friends. But you'll have to live without intimacy. I don't know, if you or your spouse imagine how that works. Neither do i. I read somewhere, that there are such couples. Most of them ends with divorce after several years.
There may be an open relationship or celibacy options. I don't know if both of you are ready for that. But it's still an options.
Most of mixed families choose to divorce. It may be sad news for you, but, let's be real, it's not a tragedy. You may calm yourself, that you love her and she have a chance to be more happy, than she's now. I may only imagine how you feel, but, i guess, we're in similar boats. We've been together with my spouse for 14 years. The best and the only friend i have for today and now we're divorcing.

Last edited by morpheus (August 13, 2019 5:19 pm)

I’m sorry to hear you’re going thru this. It’s been over 2 years since I was in your exact position it really turns your life upside down I totally understand.  You will get a lot of advice as you move forward with your battle that you face ahead. I could write an entire book on the topic and probably still miss a few things. I am not an expert by any means and frankly I’m not even close. If I can be of any help I suppose maybe I can tell you a few things I wish I knew two years ago when I was in your position that I know now.

1.  This is the hardest reality check I’ve ever had in my life and I don’t like to say this to anybody else either  So I just want to get it out-of-the-way and put it as number one. If your wife is truly a lesbian I am sorry but your marriage is over, it is very very unlikely that you will ever be happy if you try to make anything work with someone who doesn’t want to be with you and that really sucks a lot I know. It is hard to accept That the person you married isn’t who you thought they were in that you somehow are a different kind of couple and that you can make water turn to wine and everything will be Ok like it was. OK so now that that’s out-of-the-way here are a couple of other things.

2. If you have kids they will be OK I promise you as long as you and your wife can maintain a coparenting relationship that focuses on the kids and not you and her everything will be OK with them.  We underestimate the resilience of a kid greatly in fact I think my kids are happier now than they were before although that is very painful for me to say personally because I love them dearly and nothing sucks more than losing half of your time you have with your kids and that is the one thing I’ve come to learn that I cannot forgive my ex-wife for is taking half of my time away from my children.

3. We are a special group of people that are bonded by a unique circumstance that turns out is not so unique after all.  Anyone that has been thru this Will probably tell you the same thing and that is we all care so much and we want to help you so much please know you are not alone you never will be as long as you don’t want to be. You will find it complete strangers would do anything to help you not because they have nothing better to do but because they know how important the situation is.

4.  You need to take care of yourself and you’re going to hear that from everybody of course you need to eat drink and sleep you need that whether you’re going through this or not that’s just silly in my opinion no offense to anyone else. What I mean by take care of yourself is don’t sacrifice who you are because of who she now thinks she is. I made this mistake and I gave up things that I needed and that I should’ve stood up for thinking that I was going to be  The person that didn’t read number one very good on my list. You have every right to stand up for what you both committed to him for the morals and values that you hold close to yourself please do not sacrifice a single one of them because she wants to be with another woman instead of her husband. This is my biggest regret by far.  But more importantly just remember one thing and that is you are never alone.

5.  Buckle in because it’s going to be a roller coaster. Some days are going to be fine and you can see the end of the tunnel. Other days the world is going to feel like it is crashing down on you. And two years later they still holds true.
Some days you will be best friends with her and some days  you will hate her. That is all fine you will feel a lot but that is you processing things.

6.  You’re going to see all of the signs that you missed along the way that she was a lesbian. In fact you may have already experience this but it took me a short period of time to start unveiling things into this day I still find myself remembering things she had said or did or that I totally missed and now feel like I should’ve known she was a lesbian long ago you cannot blame yourself just know that.

Somewhere along the line someone’s going to ask you how you didn’t know that she was a lesbian and that person is an asshole for the record. You didn’t know she was a lesbian because she didn’t tell you she was. You marry someone because you trust them fully. So you believed her When she said that she loved you and was straight and wanted to be with you and because you were a good husband or at least a straight husband who loves his wife you believed her so that is why you didn’t know she was a lesbian.

You will be OK it may take you a year or 10 years I don’t know everyone will be different it seems although our stories are similar it is always unfortunate. I hope this helps in someway even if it is small and Insignificant.

Hi Valiroth,

I am in Northern NSW.  I know there are a couple of people who have posted on this forum who live in Brisbane - Steve was one, and he drops in here occasionally.

Sorry to bring this up straightaway but the thing that bothers me about the best friends thing is that the majority of us come on here talking about our best friend but after a while we are seeing them in a completely different light.

My 'best friend' was not in the emotional tangle I was, he was not confused about anything and he was amazingly well prepared to benefit himself in the divorce settlement, and had already set himself up years before I'd even uttered the word gay let alone divorce.

Once it's done it's done, you don't get a second chance at a divorce and the straight spouse tends to be the one reeling in emotional shock and still wanting to help their partner - my advice is always to err on the side of benefitting yourself.  You can always give her more voluntarily if you end up feeling you should.  But ask yourself, do you think she would do the same for you?