I would be honest with you. Comparing to your's mine story looks dull and simple. Be sure, that your are NOT guilty for anything, what happend here. I don't know, if i could tell that your ex is, i think those people mostly are just sick and disturbed, but it's definitely not your fault. Both of you lived in two different dimensions with multiple points of contact.
I also talked to my counselor about feeling guilty, that i could somehow stimulate my spouse's problems. But he just told me, that it's hard to imagine, how someone could be so powerful to change another's mind. Also he told me that i "didn't have a magic bubble" to see such profound things, that even psychologist may not detect hidden homosexuality if it's locked by several layers of fears. Even if there were signs, that "something is wrong" with your spouse.

Last edited by morpheus (August 8, 2019 7:52 am)

OOHC 
With regards to point one as i explained to my friend he did get therapy from various people as court ordered during the process and he was very able to convince a therapist, multiple therapists that he was the way he was due to the abuse, which makes me ask another question. WHICH story is true? The first one he got a therapist to believe OR this new version that in his words I went to this particular therapist because i knew SHE would just give me a letter without question for hormones. That brings a whole different situation to light with me because i think she is unethical. I believe she may be transgendered herself AND she went to some pride event with my husband and other clients. I think she is not unbiased in this but I dont know what to do about that or if i am over reacting. 

Point two:  my friend thinks when my husband speaks of already making sacrifices he speaks of marriage and a child that he never really wanted which i have thought maybe that was the case too but obviously he only did me a diservice for someone he claims to love because here we are 10 years into marriage 20 years together and my life is upside down 

 

With "friends like that........, right?

When we were dating, my ex once told me that when he was a little boy, he liked to dress up in his mom's and sister's clothes. He also felt great shame for it which he attributed to his ultra conservative preacher dad. He also said that it was a long time and and he didn't do that anymore. Now, someone (your friend for example) may feel that I should have known what path my marriage would take, but she would be, simply put, wrong. I had no way of knowing how deep his compulsion to dress was. How could I have possible known? I had no way of knowing he was still dressing and did so during our entire marriage. Nope. This is not on me, and it is not on you. Don't let anyone try to make you think otherwise.

And you didn't force anyone to do anything. It is okay to set boundaries and your spouse was free to walk away or say that he wasn't ready for that kind of commitment and may never be. 

And I will readily admit to not being the perfect wife, cook, house keeper, parent, etc. However, none of my faults justified my spouse changing the dynamics of our marriage the way he did. And your spouse has no right to change that dynamic either just because you also aren't the perfect wife.

StraightSpouse1979 wrote:

 At the time it was cross dressing but that it was due to his abuse because if he was a female the abuse would seem less demeaning) 

But I must say.... this is the line from your post that really hit me. Did he really say that? What does he mean by that? Because I hope he doesn't mean the way I am reading it. Certainly abuse on a female is just as demeaning as abuse to a male. 

Anyway SS, are you seeing a therapist? Someone trained in trauma would probably be a better person to talk to than this friend.

Stronger,
 I had the same reaction about that line but cut it out of my post.  I thought: what?  Abuse is "less demeaning" when it happens to a woman?  It fits with the crazy logic of autogynephiles who act as if "passive" equals "woman," so if that's the way women are, something that is defined by their capacity to be abused and their suitability for abuse, then it's not "demeaning" to be abused, it's "affirming" of her womanhood.  But it also equally might mean that he might have meant it's more demeaning for a man to be reduced to passivity or be abused because our cultural expectations of men are that they're strong--and to be made a "wuss" is the worst insult.  So who knows?  Who can parse crazy?

StraightSpouse1979.  I'd say if anyone has a right to be angry, it's you, who was apparently tricked into pregnancy by a lie.  Which is not to say you don't love your daughter, only that any idea that you "forced" him into marriage by offering him a choice (marry me or not, but if not, we don't move in together) pales in comparison to being lied to about his ability to father children.  

   As to figuring out what story is accurate: you can never know what the truth is, and you won't get it out of him.  For him, as for many of our spouses, the truth changes as it fits what they want or need or believe at the time (it's called "situational truth").  What you can know is that it is a feature of those claiming they're transgendered to change their stories as they go along (just as it with those those who say, "I'm gay.  No, I'm straight.  No, I'm bi-curious.  No, I'm.straight.  No, I'm bi.  No, I'm gay.).  
  All you can do is ask yourself: "Is this situation that I'm in acceptable to me?"  And if the answer is no, and you're not getting any help from your spouse to make it acceptable, then you have to start planning and working toward either getting out or toward how to help make it more acceptable to you--without expecting your spouse to change his ways.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 8, 2019 12:56 pm)

What you're seeing is the escalation.  The feminizing works like a drug; their feminizing is like an addiction, and the more they do it, the more they want.  What they said they would never do yesterday, they're doing tomorrow.  Plus you're seeing the escalating need to be validated by others, so they can believe the delusion: he goes out with his co-worker, who is validating him as a woman.  He begins by saying he just wants to wear something at home to feel "comfortable," and then it progresses, until he's wearing women's clothes and make-up in public, and even flaunting the "breasts" he claimed he didn't want.  
  It's what they do. 
  Round and round and round it goes, and where it stops?  I think we all know.