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August 4, 2019 3:35 am  #1


13 years of marriage, she discloses she is attracted to women

My story is no different from others. Stuggling marriage, unsatisfactory sex life, searching for all imaginable problems we could to blame for. Two days ago i was told that she's "very disturbed" and that she "maybe feels attracted to women".
Last years was an actual fight for her sanity. She felt depressed more or less all the time i remember her, then she lost her beloved job, got severe health problems.

After some help she felt really better, was more responsive and we've even tried to figure out our sexual life problems. All that time i was told that it's because of her health problems and it sounded right.

But it lasted only for several weeks or a month. Later she closed up. I tought it's because of health problems. There were signs that something is not right there. She started to spend more and more time with her new friend from clinics groups. We even spend some time together with them. I tought that it may be good for her condition to have friends she could trust. She started to avoid me, i started asking her what's happening. She's been telling me that it may be because of medications she's getting. I told her that we stoped talking to each other, not mentioning intimacy, that it's crucial to talk about problems and i'm left alone here in this field. She told me that "talking won't change anything". Then i realised, that something is destroyed in our relations. I stopped wasting my time talking to her and with trying to get her back to reality. Then got out with her parents and our kid to countryside for a week. 

Nothing changed at all after we were back. Long story short, after her almost daily going out with "a friend", i asked what's happening (every conversation was done by messaging her. she won't speak live to me). Then she told me that she needs "a several weeks to think about everything, while living at her friend's apartment".

And then she left for a few hours and got back. I asked her once again, what's happening, is she's going for a few weeks, or not. Then she told, that she could go only from monday and that "she's very disturbed, she thinks that she's attracted to woman". More of that, she told me that she could not think about sex with men, that she's "tried everything she could with woman and she liked it very much", that "the psychologist at clinics helped her to find what she's been hiding from herself all life" and that "it's a shocking revelations for her also". That was about two days ago. Yesterday she got out to her friend. Then got back home at evening, layed on a bed for some time, told me that she can't be here and left again.

tomorrow i'll try to find some help from specialists. don't have time to go out for a talk with some friend because of son. i don't want to leave him alone, even if he doesn't feel bad because of our strange behavior. that's why i'm using forums therapy, i guess.

Now, when i read other's stories, i see more clearly, that i'm far away not alone in this situation. It really helps, thanks all for sharing your feelings. Even if there's no reaction to it the same day you wrote it, someone like me may read it after years and still feel better.  

What makes me angry in this story:
- i feel sorry for my penis now (funny). she had to be discusted all the time we've had any kind of sex together. for years. i always felt that something is not normal - she never started flitring or intimacy. i even asked her if she is really straight many years ago, but got denial. i feel like i abused her now.
- she never asked me, how do i feel. yes, she's broken, been like that all the time. she didn't care for that before, she doesn't care after her coming out. she may come home, i ask her, how she's feeling, cause she was just lying in bed. told me that she's feeling very deep guilty, been crying all the day at her new friend's appartments. even tells me, that her new friend has broke up lately too and still - no f**ks given about how i feel. hello, i couldn't sleep or eat for last 30 hours, while spending time together with our son and pretending that it's an ordinary weekend. 
- like most of other disturbed people from stories i read here, she's told me, that "wants to be everything less painful for all of us as much as possible". That's the problem with disturbed people like she, that they don't understand - it will be painful. It has to be. Very painful and everyone has to take their part in it. Only then it will settle down.
- she's been lying to me even when she knew something changed in her mind. for example, when our family was at counrtyside withoute her, she texts me that she's missing me (very rare expression of feelings). after 5 days (!) she will tell me, that she's really happy with her new friend.  
- she's, like many others, calling her affair a friend. it's insane. she had sexual relations with her, she tolds me that she's really happy with her, ant still, it's not a lover. it's "a friend". c'mon, if she's a same sex, it doesn't mean this is not an affair.
- we have to go to family therapy quickly. but i don't know if i want to go with her. what's the point? the problem is that she's unemployed, has no money, i even gave her some money to live after she told me things. i'm disturbed by thinking that she may ruin even more without help. therefore, i really don't feel like i want to help her anymore. 

Last edited by morpheus (August 15, 2019 2:28 pm)

 

August 4, 2019 6:20 am  #2


Re: 13 years of marriage, she discloses she is attracted to women

Morpheus,

No I would not waste money on couples counseling now. I would get therapy for yourself and son.

Your son needs you now more than ever.   Just be the same consistent dad for him..

I've been there..your wife has chosen..shes chosen her friend over you and your son. 

I will say this from a place of enlightenment..i felt bad for my GX as she did not work either..how would she live if we divorced..the answer is just fine..maybe better than me.. 

One thing is for sure she not thinking about you, your son or financials with her friend.

These spouses..they chose..they now must accept the consequences.

Walk on.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

August 4, 2019 8:58 am  #3


Re: 13 years of marriage, she discloses she is attracted to women

Morpheus.  I understand everything you've said.  It is so awful.  About your first point--I really really really hope you will work to not internalize that you abused her.  You did not--it sounds to me like you have been very considerate of her sexual boundaries when she has told them to you. 

There is another forum member who calls himself "itsabouther."  I hope he will see your post and comment, because the health challenges and the mental health experience--those are super similar to his experiences, and you both might appreciate talking about that.

 

August 4, 2019 4:29 pm  #4


Re: 13 years of marriage, she discloses she is attracted to women

Rob and OnMyOwnTwoFeet, i'm sincerely grateful for your comments. I read them exactly that moment you wrote it, but due to spending my time with son i couldn't react sooner.

I took some medications so first panic wave is gone and i could think more calmly now. I believe that your comments was really helpful too, cause i felt relief atfer i read what you wrote. The urge to cry is also under some control.

About couples counseling - i think we would go together for one time, cause we didn't tell "the news" for son yet and neither of us knows how to make it happen. 

My wife came back today at home. We both talked a little bit while taking a dinner outside. It wasn't easy. I don't think she is a cynical person. She looks more surrendering to everything and looked really guilty. I also don't think that for a mother would be easy to leave her home, and separate with loving son - it's a "bonus" she gets while leaving me. She also agreed to pay mortage for our appartments (though, i don't know where she would get the money. as i told, she's unemployed and has serious health problems). Also she gets not really clear future ahead. It's not what i would dream about, for sure.
I think that my wife needed more serious therapy after finding about her new herself, but she lost somehow and rushed to fire. I definitely don't think that she could change back, but in her place i wouldn't allow myself to make new relations with anyone before i could get on the ground (longer therapy, a job and clear mind). Well, that won't happen now. She chose a rollercoaster. Maybe all the problems with health and personal life could trigger the need for real life and feelings.
I also don't think she realizes clearly, what waits her. Told me, that she would like to bring our son to her new living place. When i protested, that it's too soon to talk about that and asked, if she tought that our son could become reserved, could feel anger at her or at both of us, even don't like to see her - she silenced.
I'll keep writing here so others could read and know, that they ar not alone.

OnMyOwnTwoFeet, thanks for the link, i would definitely find and read his story. I don't think that first point i wrote, would be a serious problem for me. I just felt that it's wrong. I never in my life did something against someone else will, not to mention that i could imagine end up being the person who force having sex woman which likes other women. 

Last edited by morpheus (August 15, 2019 2:31 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

August 4, 2019 7:12 pm  #5


Re: 13 years of marriage, she discloses she is attracted to women

Morpheus,

Am sorry this is happening to you. She is keeping you on the back burner just in case things don't work out with this girlfriend.  Her behavior is uncalled for and selfish. I know you know this, but it helps to hear it from others who were in the same boat.

You've got a lot going on there. I would make a gentle suggestion to keep it simple as you can. Stay apart from her until you know absolutely know what you want here. Push and pull from either partner is like going around the hamster wheel. 

.His mom has a right to have your son stay with her at that apartment.  Work out these visitation arrangements. With him out with her, it will give you alone time to think.

I'm a straight woman who was married to a very abusive GIDH. Lack of interest from him, giving me breadcrumbs when I complained, making excuses when coming home late from work, etc.

Hang in there. You sound like  reasonable and caring person. That will take you a long way. Best of luck to you.

 

Last edited by MJM017 (August 4, 2019 7:13 pm)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

August 5, 2019 6:52 am  #6


Re: 13 years of marriage, she discloses she is attracted to women

It's like a diary for me, but with possibility to show my toughts for someone, who's been through all of this.

itsabouther, i'm really touched with your story and i feel that you have very strong personality, despite what you've had to suffer. 

our situation is similar, details matches very well. my wife also asked me not to mention that she's a lesbian, "didn't like it" and "don't really know how to call herself".

those medical issues seems to be a red flag too. i think it's more complicated than "one causes another". I think, that it's just what some of them are - more unlucky that others. 

she also praises her counselor and wants to go back to him, when she got money for that. i don't know if he's homosexual. don't wanna think, that it may be provoked just by telling people they could be gay. pure science and stats proves me, that it's a pretty standard situation. it may happen to any of us - it happend to you and me, and the others here. it was a bad luck, but hey, we are still here and still could do some good things in our lifes, i guess. waking up in the morning seems a good start for me. 

i spotted some differences too: my wife confessed that she had relationship with a woman and "tried everything and liked it very much", not that i'm really complaining now, but it wasn't very good feeling to listen that.
she told me several times, that she can't imagine sex with men. so, i think, that your wife is in denial or pretending, or just don't wanna to cause more harm to you. 
also, i'm an atheist, so it's not that complicated for me, cause you had to deal in the same time with your religious beliefs. 

MJM017, thanks for your kind words. I really appreciate that. I could confirm that i feel much better, when she's not around. yesterday, when she was back at home, i started to feel like "everything's back to normal". Our normal, with no talk, no intimacy, but still - normal. But every move she did, every phone check forced me to remember our current situation. Also, i feel anger at her "friend". Not that i despite her, but i don't like to even think about her. I don't know how to react to them. I don't wanna have myself thrown deeper into this crazyness. 

going to family counselor soon. would like to not cry all the time and get some positive ideas of how to deal with child. actualy, i would not like to be with my wife there together, but i think that it would help to solve problems faster.

also, i'm a little bit scared, cause my emotions are still high and i'm not on those medicaments, like my wife. so i look/feel shaked and weak now, could cry on simple "wrong thoughts". i don't like the idea that therapist could take my side and we all (with no exception of my wife) would blame her condition. now i'd like to be that bad guy, who made the decision and who totally surrenders. but what i see is that i could be that victim, overwhelmed by emotions and not able to rationaly think and act. this is not me and it makes me feel angry and stupid. 

Last edited by morpheus (August 15, 2019 2:35 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

August 5, 2019 12:29 pm  #7


Re: 13 years of marriage, she discloses she is attracted to women

Hi Morpheus,

Yes, that seems to me to be a major problem with couples counselling - depending on who the counsellor is, one of you will get validation and the other not.  and yes, it's not the right place to start crying.
You are feeling too vulnerable to handle what could very easily turn out to be an unsympathetic situation and I think that is entirely reasonable.  You have every right to your own feelings and you need to protect yourself - you want to seek your own counselling first and that seems like a good idea to me.  Particularly if it was your wife who picked the counsellor.

single or couple, I think it is okay to ask the counsellor if they are gay, it is what you need to talk about, and then listen to their response.

 

 

August 5, 2019 5:12 pm  #8


Re: 13 years of marriage, she discloses she is attracted to women

Thanks for your comment. I found a random counsellor on internet and the meeting happen to be not that bad, i tought it could be. She was quite interested and intense enough to go through our marriage or even childhood in several hours. Of course, it was very superficial analysis, but i didn't feel uncomfortable. I cried only one time, most of it i was just feeling bored. Maybe i'm just physicaly tired, maybe i'm tired of her babling about her tyrant father, about my unsupportiveness in her tough life moments, about feeling that i took care of her "only mechanicaly". 

Now i only fear that when she would see real life, without that "mechanical support" she would go f**king nuts.

I agreed with her, that she could spend as much time as she wants with child, but without her "friend" in our apartments. At least till that moment, when she would stand up firmly in this real life. I suggested her that she could take son to sleep in her living place (wherever it would be at that moment) when she would get some therapy and gets a job. So i could be sure that she is in control of herself. She agreed, but i don't know if her thoughts won't change with time.

She took some of her things and went "on vacation", like she said our son. Counselor told, that he doesn't need to know all the specialities. In his age he should live his normal childish live, not to start thinking about his sexuality, like his mother did. After a week or few we would tell our son about divorce. That mom have to live in another place. Both, my wife and counselor thinks, that this information about divorce would be enough. I was to tired to ask counselor about, what if he would ask "why?".

Also i clearly stated that there would be no "best friends" in future. Actually i just freaked out, when heard that clichee from her again. Best friends asks for help when they feel bad, best friends don't get multiple disorders and then blames everyone around, best friends don't became homosexual and asks, if they could sleep at their new passion object appartments, best friends don't emphasize one moment half year ago, when i didn't agree to help her with her panic attack (on purpose, i've had panic attacks myself for several years and i know, that if you start to feed it, nothing would change, it would came back for more attention), they remember hundreds of other panic attacks when someone hold their hand or took them to the clinics and was by the side together. I think, best friends just don't do things like that. 

What did i learn after this meeting? Don't let the depression/mixed feelings to overcome you for such a long time. It transforms people into a really unbearable persons, even if they trully are not. What i also learned? It was my cross to carry, i'm glad that i made it so far.

And what about me? I'm not shaking anymore. Feeling tired and empty, but also glad for an opportunity to write here.

I was right about almost everything, what happened important in our family. I'm so tired of being right and always ending watching how a person i care burns everytime. Currently i'm pessimistic about quiet life in the future, i think all fan shit show just begins.

Last edited by morpheus (August 15, 2019 2:38 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

August 6, 2019 10:51 am  #9


Re: 13 years of marriage, she discloses she is attracted to women

Definitely would go to therapy myself. Feel very sad today. I'm blaming myself that i didn't paid enough attention at how bad was her mental condition due to hidden feelings. If i would take control of it and went to family counselor together with her earlier, she won't be so frustrated to do anything to get attention by hurting herself. 

I don't think, that something would changed in her sexuality - she still would be attracted to women, not me or other men. We would still divorce, but it won't be such a mess, when her mental health is so damaged.

Also, i understood today, that in this type of remixed sex families hardest part is that everyone seems to be happy in general. In my case, we lived pretty happy. Spent our times together all the time, were raising smart boy. I didn't need anyone else in general, she was my best buddy and a woman i could trust till last breath.

It's hard to understand how could family fall apart without any considerable cause. It's like force majeure - you live happily and suddenly nothing is left, not because you or your spouse did something, but because shit happens sometimes.

I'm still waiting for her messages all the day, histerically crying when got some spare time without son, sitting in a room next to mine. 

Last edited by morpheus (August 15, 2019 2:39 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

August 6, 2019 2:10 pm  #10


Re: 13 years of marriage, she discloses she is attracted to women

Hey Morpheus,

don't worry about the crying - it's the way your system copes with the shock you're in.  It is a profound emotional shock as you absorb the new information about your partner and it changes the way you see your past as well as your present.

it's a rollercoaster but we can tell you you will feel normal again it just takes some time. 

Your wife did do something - she hid the truth of herself from you and yet married you.  Often gay people say they knew something was different when they were young children but anyway they knew with puberty just as we straights do, and self-harming sounds to me like one of those things that start happening in a person's teenage years too.  I am saying this not to put blame on your wife so much as to say don't accept responsibility yourself.

keep looking after yourself, you are doing really well. 

wishing you all the best, Lily

Last edited by lily (August 6, 2019 2:12 pm)

 

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