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1 of 1- Mimi
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11 months post D day grieving stage
Hi All,
I've been on this site a lot in the past. Its not my first time posting but I do want to give an update on 11 months point so if you have just started, learn from me and if you are way ahead of me, please let me know what to expect.
I've been married for 14 years, Last year, I found out my GIDH has been on hookup sites for a good portion of our marriage. When I confronted him, he denied and said its all just online and its only a fantasy. He admitted to just being Bi and then denied that as well. We separated as I couldn't handle living in a lie. Our entire marriage, I thought there was something wrong with me for wanting to have sex with my husband more than once a month. It was always mechanical than passionate. Its been 7 months since we separated.
I went through all stages of grief. I was shocked, then very angry, then compassionate and then started to let go of the identity I knew as well. I grieved loosing myself and the life I knew. I was fine for a couple months. Until now. These days looking at friend's family vacation pictures bothers me. It bothers me that I worked so hard to build a life that I had to let go because of someone else's lie. Because he dragged me into a closet that I never signed up for. It bothers me that people don't know the entire story and except for a close friend no one knows why I really left. They all tell me "all marriages have issues. come back and work on your marriage." It worries me that I might end up being single. He still wants me back. You know why? So he can have his beard and not deal with reality. When we fight its him trying to win the case, not my love back. I still have a lot of anxiety.
Sorry for the long post. If you just started, know that getting yourself out and away from the rabbit hole, is the best thing you will do for yourself. If you are ahead, wha'ts your advice for me? When will I feel normal again? When will this cloud of anxiety go away?
- StraightSpouse1979
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Re: 11 months post D day grieving stage
I can empathize as we all can here. My husband is a MTF transgender who states he does not want surgery but just the hormones as he likes the effects they give him and he feels better about himself on them. We have been toghether 20 years and married 10, this past thursday was our anniversary. We still live together though I consider us separtaed and am asking for a formal document stating that effect. I get the looking at other peoples vacation or happy family photos and being destroyed. He told me that I am just upset that my perfect family life is not perfect anymore because he does not fit the image of what a husband should be. Yes, that is true. When i married HIM i did not expect a man with boobs and who dressed like a Brittany Spears back up dancer. We dont go anywhere together anymore unless i have to because of our daughter. I have removed all photos in the house of us together. I live inside a partial closet as close friends and family knows but some dont. No one at work does. So i live two lives. And that sucks.
- a_dads_straight_journey
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Re: 11 months post D day grieving stage
Mimi, I posted elsewhere that I think grief spirals. It reappears but it lessens. I am 68 months out, in a new relationship 48 months, and married 4 months now. We are blending three kids into a single home. New challenges and some good family moments already as the kids adjust but even here is an irony. We have these great moments and the contrast to the old life just glares at me and reminds me again what she took and deprived. So I have to pause, catch my breath, and purge that negativity from the moment. I expect as the new life becomes the routine those moments will get smaller and disappear.
I hope I don’t appear ungrateful for what I now have but 30 years and my youth was a long time to live like a zombie. I’m 59 now and looking forward to recovering what I can of a meaningful family life.
All the best
ADSJ
- MJM017
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Re: 11 months post D day grieving stage
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Last edited by MJM017 (August 14, 2021 10:41 pm)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Rob
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Re: 11 months post D day grieving stage
ADSJ,
Yes and yes. The contrast in my life is so striking now..that how bad it was before stares me in the face.
My life now is so much better. I thank God for getting me here. I have a loving family of parents and siblings, I have a girlfriend who went through a lot of the same thing..minus the TGT of course.
The contrast just hits me sometimes. ...ie. "What, your not going to scream at me?" "What, you didn't lie about where you were".
Lots of sadness if we look back but lots of happiness if we walk on.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Mimi
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Re: 11 months post D day grieving stage
Thank you all so much for sharing your experience and thoughts. I relate with every one of you and sending you hugs.
I wrote this post a week ago when I was very down. Today, I woke up and told myself “It’s not my fault that this happened to me but it’s my responsibility now to get it back together.” He still acts like a victim that his wife left this amazing marriage. I remind him that I never signed up for this. If I were to date right now, I would never date a gay man. Why would I? I’m a heterosexual woman, only interested in heterosexual men. And this is not one of those “for better or worse” vows, it’s finding out you lived a lie. I have no regrets leaving and looking forward to making the best out of the rest of my life.
Sending you all hugs and wishing you all the real love you deserve!
Last edited by Mimi (August 13, 2019 11:28 am)
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: 11 months post D day grieving stage
Mimi,
So glad you are feeling more upbeat. You've reframed the situation in a way that is so helpful! The "for better or for worse" vow is a stumbling block for many of us, and only when we realize that our spouses have voided the marriage contract can we let ourselves understand that we aren't breaking that vow--but that it never applied. We acted in good faith, not knowing they could never fully enter into the marriage (or never intended to).