Yes Kaylamarie.  It IS different.  The level of betrayal is huge, and the changing sense of ourselves as undesirable.  Lots to work through!  SO much.

Yes. Particularly if you have any shared friendships. People will look for an excuse to keep the peace. Some may have even been aware already and chose not to tell you 'because it's not their place to 'out' them'. As if they exist in a vacuum sealed box! Can't break the seal without permission! Even though you are being directly affected. Still bitter about this one. It's always an impulse to protect them because of the idea that they are always the victim of society. And this same mindset happens when you try to explain to people why it's different. No one wants to take a look under 'that' rug. Can't be accused of being homophobic or of not being an ally.

It still hurts to think of conversations where I was told that we could just be best friends now that I knew. To feel like my feelings were just swept aside and somehow unimportant just because they were gay and I should get over it. That the lies and wasted time just didn't count somehow like they would if they were straight. Being gay makes that a-ok! Pretty sure most victims of straight cheaters don't get those particular gems.

They don't ever think about how maybe your feelings of love are too strong for a friendship or that maybe you don't want to be friends with people who lie to you and are okay with hurting you and wasting your time.

Today i was thinking, that it would way be easier if there would be another man, not woman. Of course, it would be the same blow to my self-esteem. The same financial and legal questions. The problem with mixed spouses is that they tries to suck everyone around to their closet.
My wife called her mom and told that we're divorcing. Without details. Mother in law doesn't call me - maybe thinks that i cheated or something else. 
My wife (with counselor's advice) would like to not tell our son why she left. I have now to be at home with a wedding ring on hand (actually i don't care, but i saw her without it the same day she told me. like that simple) - don't wanna that kid would notice and then i would have to lie to him. At home i have to act like mom is "on vacation" - he's not questioning, but that questions may be in his head. We're not a professional actors, so he could feel that something is wrong.
So lies are now expanded on me, on her mom, on everyone around, except her new friend.
Later my kid, if he would know, what happened with details, would have a dilemma - what to answer to questions about his family. He may have to lie when telling his friends, why he lives with father only. Homophobia is everywhere. When you're a teenager, you react hundreds time sharper to the things like this.
I'll go to work next week - i would have to not tell all the truth. If she would leave for another man - well, shit happens, it hurts, but divorced people are all around. But she left for another woman and the reaction would be "what, what, what?".
So, her closet is now my closet, our son's closet, and everyone's, who could be hurt by this closet. Thanks.

 

Last edited by morpheus (August 8, 2019 3:53 pm)

I hate the amount of sympathy he gets or the praise for letting people know he is a transgendered person. How difficult it must be for him that he has to come out of his darkness and how brave he is for doing so. Not ONE of his family members reached out to me about how I FEEL. Not ONE person of his family who knows that has been my family for 20 years has asked how this has affected me. People tell him that if they were in my shoes they would stay married because he is still the same inside. I think that they tell him what they think he wants to hear and I tell him how it is and how I feel. They think because he loves me still, has been faithful so he says that it could be worse. It is like we get no empathy from most people because they are livng their truth now

You should get mad.  I listened to one of the SSN podcasts (“The Anger” episode), and the straight spouse explained very well why this is worse than “mere” infidelity.

With infidelity, you lose the future that you had planned with your spouse.. With your spouse coming out of the closet in the context of a same-sex affair (the prevalent scenario), you not only lose your future but you also lose your past. You ask yourself what was real in your past, and it sends you reeling. Losing your past and your future is a double whammy.

Last edited by Blue Bear (August 10, 2019 8:37 pm)