Hi KaylaMarie. I am sorry about your experience with your ex boyfriend. 6 years is serious time together. It is as if you were married. The betrayal and mind mess are huge. I agree that you probably need to do some work with a mental health expert. Any kind of betrayal trauma means we are just struggling in all kinds of ways.

Like you say, One of the challenges you are facing is not your new boyfriend, but your wounded sense of being able to trust  anyone. This is not your fault!  You were in an abusive relationship!  Even if your ex had been kind in other ways, for him to hide his sexuality like that was abusive. Because he was committed to you and that was foundational to your relationship. Even if he said he were “bi” or “straight” it would not matter—the fact that he was looking on any kind of hookup site was sexual and emotional betrayal. And that is abuse too.

So your question about your current boyfriend is an interesting one. Of course none of us know except him. And you need to trust your instincts!  Trusting your instincts is the challenge here, and that is what you need to rebuild.

However, IMO, your “gay test” of seeing if he looked at another guy’s butt—I think that is likely too much to stake your entire opinion on. I am not  certain. And I was not there to see what happened. And more than anything, I want to validate that you have a right to be concerned about anything that concerns you!  However, because you have specifically asked-in a way, I think a butt test could be arbitrary or a false test. Like, sure. Maybe.  A data point. But where did the idea of the butt test come from. I think that kind of simplistic one time “test” gets in the way of your ability to look at long term patterns—it actually might be creating more confusion so you cannot see clearly. 

I just am thinking of what I learned way back in college (am not a physics major!) about how light acts differently when we watch it actively.  It is a particle when watched but a ray when not watched. Or something like that. Someone who knows physics could clarify!  But I was struck back then how just the act of observing something changes the thing.

I am also thinking, what if someone gave me a “lesbian test” of something gender related. I think of my own responses and looking at other men and women—I do notice other women. Just yesterday I was out shopping and I now remember noticing a couple  of different women’s hips. Oh even this morning at the bank!  This is because I am self conscious about my pants in general and my own body as well, so I am thinking “hmmm she covers up her tummy and still wears fitted jeans that make her hips look nice. Or, “she has pear shaped hips but she is so cute—why was my body rejected by my husband?” (Answer is that he is gay!  but until recently, I only knew he was rejecting me, so self scrutiny is a decades long sad habit of mine.)

I also notice women who are sexy or attractive!  If a woman has a big bust, I probably notice it. And I might be noticing because I am envious!  Or maybe I am shocked at how much she is showing herself off. So I might actually have a hard time averting my eyes. Might look too long or look back! 

It is different every time and I hardly notice that I am doing it—I am just calling myself out right now to dissect your question.  I am definitely straight, though. I mean, we all are sexual creatures, and we notice each other. And that noticing does not necessarily mean something beyond that we do notice.

I think of a young man who grew up near me who became so ashamed of thinking about women’s bodies that it became an obsessive complusive thing. Like “don’t think of a banana!”  His worry made him more aware and hyper critical of his own normal teen looking, and this led to a vicious cycle of self criticism and looking more.

So, having said all that, soon after I discovered all the gay porn and hookup stuff on my husband’s phone, but before I told him what I had found, we went out one night and I could see him looking sexually at two men. It was so incredibly brazen. Just long and up and down and hungry!  Was I making this up?  No!  Had I ever seen him doing this before?  NO!  He was definitely moving toward action! . Had I ever ever seen him look at women this way, even on TV?  No!  But I had just assumed he was loyal to me.

Instead of worrying about one thing, look for broad patterns over time.

And definitely find a therapist to work with. You have so much trauma to work through. Allow yourself to accept that in your trauma, you might be hyper vigilant. Of course!  And you should be!  Allow yourself to also learn to trust yourself again. A double sided dance step. This:  more important than whether your current boyfriend is straight or gay or fluid, you need to take care of you.

I think it is great he is willing to go slowly and is honoring your past experience. If he is worth it—if he is worth you and your goodness—then he will wait.

I read something recently by a marriage therapist about how our cultural quickness to deep physical intimacy clouds our ability to see other parts of a relationship. That in most relationships it takes at least 90 days for any compatibility issues to show up (and if they show up before 90 days then get out).  If our physical connection by that time is already at the level of serious commitment, we cannot see that we are just not compatible. I actually heard this same thing in another context from another presenter, about domestic violence and divorce.

Anyhow, please take care of yourself. Tell your well meaning family and friends that your experience was incredibly traumatic and you need time. It sounds like a “good data point” to me that your current boyfriend is kind enough to give you the space you have asked for.

Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (August 1, 2019 12:20 pm)

It's more important that you have skills to recognize what kind of person you are dating. I say this as someone who has likely gone through this experience twice (neither of which turned into a marriage).

My first relationship was 3-4 years long and the second barely got off the ground. They had a lot in common though as far as red flags none of which signified good relationship material. I'm going to include a few in this post in the hopes you may find them helpful.

1. Hot and cold pursuit. They want to keep you close but not too close. I believe this is for a couple reasons. It gives an impression of 'normality' to friends and family but doesn't require them to 'do' anything about it other than to spend some time with you. If you start expecting things from them, like affection, touch, more commitment, then they start to distance themselves. If you start going away? Then it's safe to pull you in again. I also think for some it's enjoyable to have the attention. They like the ego boost and caretaking bits. For others it's to try out a straight relationship to see if they can make it work.

2. Weird about physical affection and this can go either way. Either too physical as if they're trying to force it or you are oversexed and don't touch them. It's never natural.

3. Evasive. Lies. About everything. Not even important stuff. You try and get to know them better and you get diversions or fights. Meanwhile you are thinking 'what the hell? All I wanted to know was what you wanted for dinner.'

4. Creepy sexual looks. I'm talking the kind of look where you get the idea that the person was going into their spank-bank for later. Just gross. You think that can't be right but it's not just a casual glance. This may also take the form of cutting you out of conversation if there's another guy involved or ignoring you in mixed company but not when another woman is the other person.

5. Insidious mind games. Making you believe that a conversation didn't happen or they didn't say that. How could you think that? Doubting yourself, not in a normal way, but in the am I crazy way.

6. Professing to love you but being selfish. With their time, with your emotions (taking but not giving), with choosing other people over you, money, energy. It's all about them.

7. Last but not least. Anxiety, depression, feelings of something off or wrong, walking on eggshells, crying, anger. You telling you that something isn't right! All the time. For days. For weeks. For months. For years.

I understand your pain in worrying the past will repeat. I'm not sure I will date ever again. But I will say this for myself, I walked away as soon as I figured it out this time. I would have done it sooner but other people lied to me. They are out of my life too. It still hurts but there was no way I was going to put myself through four more years of the same thing. Screw that.

Hey Lily, 

He did go into more detail then just saying "you dont have anything to worry about". I point blank asked him if he was gay and ever had an interest in men. He told me he never has and has never looked at a guy and wanted to have sex with him. He made it clear he was into women only. I have really grilled him in every possible scenario. I told him "we have only been together 6 months, you still have time to tell me the truth. Please dont try to keep me as your cover if I am one. Please dont do that to me again." He looked me in the eye and said he is not gay and he has no secrets except for his alcohol problem that he told me about. I think its me deciding if I will ever believe him or anyone because at the end of the day my ex lied to me even when I found the evidence. SO I know people will lie to keep their secret at any cost. Which terrifies me.