Hi Vee.  I'm sorry you're going through such a confusing time.  It's difficult for anyone to tell you what's really going on in your marriage since some of what you've given is very up for interpretation.  However, tons of us here had suspicions long before we found any real proof, and you should trust your instincts to tell you when something is off.

Most of us have had issues with our spouses not wanting sex, and with them touching us orally.  You don't have that, so that's making it more confusing.  I don't think anal sex in general is indicative of being gay - especially when only wanting to do it to one's partner vs. having it done to themselves.  However, the fact that it's not something he's wanted his entire adult life is suspicious.  New things can seem interesting to us, but they shouldn't suddenly become something we can't do without.  That's a telltale sign that he's getting something new somewhere else, and he's trying to bring it home.  This is, however, not exclusive to the gay/bi population - I can remember having a st8 boyfriend a long time ago show me something new he liked done, and I knew that after years of being with him, this MUST have been introduced from outside our relationship.  And it was.  It's indicative of unfaithfulness.  Whether that unfaithfulness is with a man or a woman is unknown.  But either way, unfaithfulness is an issue.  It's just MORE of an issue with it's with same sex partners - because you can't be one, and that can't be fixed.

The friend thing is very suspicious.  If he always notices gay behavior, then it stands to reason that he would have noticed this friend's if the behavior is obvious to you.  The friend following him around is very odd, too.  Guys just don't.... DO that.  And it's also very telling that his friend is acting like he already knows you - which tells me that no matter what, he's been talking a lot about you to this friend - whether positive or negative I can't say.

It's also a bad sign that he got upset when you asked him about being gay, and accused you of imagining things.  Think about it - if he approached you and asked if you were gay, would you be very upset, or would you be more likely to ask him what it was that led him to think that way, and maybe explain some of those behaviors so he could interpret them differently?  There should be no anger involved whatsoever unless you have a jealous streak and falsely accuse him all the time of cheating when he's not.  That would make anyone angry after a while.  If you haven't don that, then there's no reason for him to be angry.  The fact that he'd rather think you're cheating on him than think he's gay is a pretty big deal, too.  That just lets you know how strongly he feels about being seen that way - which means that if he WERE gay/bi, he wouldn't want to tell you.  He'd rather have you believe a lie about him than that one thing.

Can you sort of pinpoint when you started feeling suspicious?  If you were to cross-reference that with the rest of his life, does it coincide with him becoming friends with this new guy?  Did the man start at work around then?

Kel

There's a few red flags there Vee.

All you can do is make it clear to him that your marriage will not survive another affair... regardless of whether that affair is with a man or a woman.

It seems he has some choices to make. Let's hope he makes the right ones.

Thanks for the input everyone, I feel like I'm going mad!  I should add, I met this guy a week ago and I didn't get the gay vibe til I saw him again this weekend and he was drunk.  It seemed to really come out then.  Also, my husband is always wanting sex and he has been deployed a few times so the porn thing has definitely been a thought of mine.  Am I just paranoid?  He's a gym rat and is very concerned with his appearance, he works out, mans apes and gets his eye brows done.  He looked really thoughtful and hurt when I began hunting around the gay questions.  I thought he'd go into a rage and we'd have a fight but this tough guy I know him to be shrunk down to half his size and looked like a scolded child.  He didn't know what to say and joked that he felt like he needed to go cut down some trees to regain his manhood after my insinuations.  Idk, the anal play and the way this guy was so drawn to him make me wonder.  Other than that idk that I'd thought he was gay, he's always on me and wants sex all the time so idk.