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Last edited by MJM017 (August 14, 2021 10:32 pm)

Blue bear: !!!!!!!

This is exactly what I am dealing with! I am so constantly amazed at similarities. Like on Chumplady, “did they all read the same cheaters handbook?”

My husband wants me to own my part in the marriage problems. He is not sure what his part is. He is sure WE! HAVE! ISSUES! But he will not articulate them to me.

This is another total mind mess. Just absolutely crazy. Shifting the blame onto us, without specifics at all! Because I HAVE looked at all my flaws for decades, the ones he called out—impossible, deep, contradictory, and double standards. And also the ones that he did not call out—it does not take long for the self criticism to kick in.

So now that I am calling him out on his actual behavior, which is real actions and lies and hidden stuff for decades— and now that I am also asking him to just listen to my hurt (because he said he wanted to hear it)— this makes me mean, at least by his definition. Yep, that is my part! My part is not excusing everything.

Oh yes. Also, my part is not being happy inside when he hurts me.  Or at least, not hiding it well enough, not pretending I am happy no matter what.  Because if I am not entirely happy, that is my part of being a bad spouse.  And so he has to find men for sex.

My part is not knowing. My part is that he continued to look at gay hookup sites, and he continued to feel really dissatisfied with me, which proves that I have many flaws. Blue bear: don’t you get it? If you did not “have a big part” in this, then she would not have been attracted to her lesbian lover. Since she IS wanting her lesbian lover, this proves it—this proves you have a giant part in this! It proves you did not fill her needs as a spouse. That was your part. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhh!

Seriously, thanks for being an example of telling her to cut it out.

Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (July 27, 2019 5:41 pm)

what are we guilty of?  we are guilty of trapping the butterfly.  

He knew I would have walked at any time if he'd told me he was gay and I had even asked him several times.  I was entirely not to blame for the situation but somehow at that basic emotional soul level there are no excuses are there.

He was guilty of trapping the butterfly deliberately - that's awful, and to top it off - blaming me for it.  these fakers come with inbuilt shit fans, don't they.

 

Not only did I ask my ex if he was gay several times (how horrible could I be to ask him such a question of course he wasn't), I also left him after we'd been together for a few years and I was living in my brother's flat and starting a new life and he came after me and told me he loved me and please to come back and I did.

He is the one who perpetrated a deception, and he doesn't even have the excuse of avoiding prejudice, he lived in a gay friendly place.

after a few decades together his resentment towards me was palpable but right from the start it was there.   that feeling is the true one not the froth and bubble of faked emotions.  Just like it was the lack of affection coming from him when we were alone that was real, not the smiling arm around me when we were in company.

What I am saying is the resentment was the trapped butterfly in him - not fair seeing as he was the cause of it and stymied all my efforts to free him - but that is what caused his resentment of me.  It is not fair, very much agreed.

Last edited by lily (July 28, 2019 5:56 pm)

oh goodness what a great quote - right down to everyone is now dumber for having listened to it, and I liked the ending - it made me laugh.  It's true, it is that bad.

and it's worse - it eventually dawned on me that my ex was not confused like me, for him the purpose of the conversation was to get what he wanted from me, not by saying it, but going about it in an underhanded way.

yeah, sharing our stories, it is a consolation.

thanks, Blue Bear

all the best, Lily