SheisQuestioning wrote:

My partner came to me 2 months ago, told me she thinks she is attracted to women.  We have been together 9 years, and have 5yo and 2yo children.  She has lost over 60kg over the last year, surgery and a lot of exercise - 5km walks every day, and lately gym most days, walking doesn't do enough anymore.

Lots of ups and downs, she wants to be genuine to herself, doesn't know if this is just related to her renewed sense of confidence or something real. She doesn't want to throw everything she has away if it isn't real, and has asked me not to give up on us, but wants to explore and find out if this is real.  She now has cold feet trying to explore.

We have both been seeing our own psych, and started couples counselling - at which she said she doesn't see us together in 5 years time, and that what she mostly wanted to get out of couples counselling was to learn strategies for co-parenting.

After hearing this I got to the point of accepting that she was going to leave - was moping around for a few days and then after lots of talking started to feel better.

We have started sleeping seperately, with the intention of clearing her confusion, however I stay friendly and close and come and give her cuddles when she asks.

She has started to look on dating apps to meet women.

There is much I can add to the story, perhaps not as succintly as I would like - but want to help her headspace and with trying what she can so that we can move past this limbo stage - she doesn't like being rushed, and I am OK at the moment but knowing what she wants one way or the other would help us all.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?  I have joined the Australian facebook SSN, and talked with a few friends, have had my share of venting, and after tangible solutions and move forward steps to take...or something like that?

 


Welcome to the group SIQ and especially to the MOM board.
 My partner is bisexual....confessed to wanting to explore this more, to which I adamantly said "not with me in your life you won't" So at this point he's burying all that stuff way down....though after being dishonest about a secret email account, and secretly wearing stockings/chatting with men online and heaven knows what else my trust in him took the biggest hit and we live in limbo. Getting on fine, doing all the normal things but it'll never be the same again. Ever. 
You have my greatest respect, I wouldn't even have entertained the thought of letting him go out exploring/finding himself. 
In the back of my mind is the statistic that most MOM couples who stay together....end it after 3 years. I'm 2 and a half years in and working up to seeing a lawyer, have already made myself known to a New Zealand support/benefit organisation.....and.....just waiting

Once again....Welcome to the Forum


 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (July 17, 2019 10:21 pm)

SheisQuestioning wrote:

Thanks Ellexoh

We are very open with each other, and she often tells me that she shares things with me that she doesn't/ can't tell anyone else in the world.  I actively encourage her to do this, and sometimes bite my tongue to avoid her feeling judged and sharing less.  So I have massive trust in her - different to many here. We were a very adventurous pair and were in an open r'ship for 4 years. But something changed for me, a feeling my value was diminished while my partner was loving the variety "it's just sex not love" He still trusts me because he isn't hurting, hasn't been lied to and can't understand why I can't get past this and move the fuck on.

At first I had huge doubts about letting her explore - she asked my opinion on an open relationship that first night she told me - I wanted to say yes but doubted, felt it was a slippery slope, but couldn't articulate how I felt - when her sister had declared she was polyamerous a couple of years ago we discussed the topic and we both though we were both very happy being a monogamous couple.  But things can change, especially upon discovering new emotions...i guess. This....letting go of a monogamous r'ship, whether it be as a 'trial' or longer means, I believe that you give up something you thought was stronger than anything else you've ever had together.

After a month I told her it is OK to go explore - but she could tell my heart wasn't in it and she told me as much - I confirmed she was right.  But since I have been more accepting that she sees us as over, I am more open to the idea - as a temporary trial, if it ends up more relational than physical than I would see our relationship as over.  A month ago I could barely imagine myself accepting this, but seeing myself go through sad and happy states, and lots of talking with my partner and psych has given me the understanding of myself to allow some freedom and flexibility once I have more fully considered how I feel about a situation. I said no to exploration.....he said "okay I can stuff all those feelings and fantasies down" But he  also said at one point "I'll never tell you anything ever again"

We were only talking last night how if we stay together, some big things need to change - which I am fine with - she doesn't like change, but hopefully she finds a way to cope.  Her feeling very down of the last few days appears to have subsided, at least in part, as of last night - a night in at a friends watching Lucy Lawless over gin.  A few drinks with the girls (some hetero/ some gay) helped. What things need to change....and by who?.......and why are you fine with it?.....

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (July 17, 2019 9:53 pm)

Ellexoh, I'm not certain, but I think ScarletFef is one of the spam names we have seen before--or something like it.  The words "Code," "tasks," "releases"--these all sound like spam based on the idea of computer coding.  Not really a SSN post.