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July 9, 2019 10:08 pm  #1


After 38 years?

So 6 years ago I found condoms and lubricating gel hidden in his closet.  He has not had sex with me for 21 years.  We had a falling out then about the fact that he just wanted sex for the sake of sex, and did not care anything about how I felt.  His response: ' I don't go where I am not wanted'.  Convenient, right?  So, we are 60/65 years old and he is still hiding everything from me, but I've gathered up text messages about massages, Craig's list massages, and texts with men 'chiroprators'. He is also hiding his phone from me but I know he has SCRUFF app loaded and I have seen him looking at men on it.   I have not confronted him, and cannot share any of this with our grown children, because they would probably not understand.  He is living a 'secret' life, (I guess).  Do you think all the signs are there that he is at least MSM.  I feel robbed of so many years, but really grateful I have my children.  As you all know, it's so confusing.  But resentment and hatefulness are growing stronger every day.  Maybe time to end the lies.  

 

July 10, 2019 4:57 am  #2


Re: After 38 years?

Yes!


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

July 10, 2019 9:17 am  #3


Re: After 38 years?

    If you are thinking that it's "time to end the lies" you need to do an accounting of your resources, which can be the obvious financial ones, but also other things, like your job (if you are not retired), friends or family members you can go to for support, even your own personal qualities, like resilience.  When I told my mother I was considering a divorce (but didn't at that time reveal the reason), she said that when she was considering divorcing my father (after 30 years) she made a pro/con list; doing that was helpful to me, as was seeing how I re-weighted the pros and cons as the untenable situation I was living in took a greater and greater toll on my emotional state and physical health.  Items like "more comfortable retirement financially" that earlier I'd given a lot of weight to, decreased in importance, while "serenity" and "better health" and "the absence of tension" took on more weight.
    Consulting a lawyer, without your husband's knowledge, to find out what your options are, is part of this accounting.  
    I divorced after 35 years of marriage (32 years at disclosure day), and although there are challenges, they are challenges that I can act on rather than an intractable problem over which I have no control and cannot hope to solve.  
   

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 10, 2019 9:19 am)

 

July 10, 2019 9:35 am  #4


Re: After 38 years?

I appreciate your wisdom.  I have considered consulting an attorney as well.  Yes, my health is suffering because I am always feeling depressed.  It would be so nice to wake up happy, releasing this burden of knowing how unhappy he must be as well. Thank you so much. 

     Thread Starter
 

July 10, 2019 10:21 am  #5


Re: After 38 years?

Colleen F. wrote:

I appreciate your wisdom.  I have considered consulting an attorney as well.  Yes, my health is suffering because I am always feeling depressed.  It would be so nice to wake up happy, releasing this burden of knowing how unhappy he must be as well. Thank you so much. 

I just wanted to add depending how you're being treated it becomes quite relative whether to divorce or not.   My GX was abusing me so much and i was under such physical and emotional stress and depression everyday.. If i had to sleep on the street in a cardboard box it would have been better.
The day she left ..yeah i was sad and cried.  But at the same time it was like immediately a load of bricks was taken off my chest..the fight or flight feeling was gone..i felt safe.  And that is worth so much.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

July 10, 2019 10:57 am  #6


Re: After 38 years?

Sorry for the brevity earlier this morning. By "Yes!" I meant in response to your "time to end the lies" because while you may never get your husband to admit to having sex with men you know the truth and I wanted to encouraging you to face your own situation.

"Yes" also is part of one of a prayer that helped me on my journey. Former UN Secretary-General Dag Hammarskjold (pronounced HAM-mar-shold), was a Swedish theologian, poet, humanitarian and winner of the Nobel Peace Prize in 1961.  He wrote this prayer in his personal journal  that was published after his death under the title “Markings” in 1964. Since he wrote it in Swedish there are a couple of translated versions but this is the one I remember:“For all that has been,
Thank you.

For all that is to come,
Yes!”

 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

July 10, 2019 11:18 am  #7


Re: After 38 years?

Colleen F, I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.  One of the best threads I read when I was lurking was the (very long) a gay husband answers your questions (botched title but enough to go on) by Sean under the is he/she gay topic.

Abby - YES!  love it!

 

July 10, 2019 12:32 pm  #8


Re: After 38 years?

Rob wrote:

Colleen F. wrote:

I appreciate your wisdom.  I have considered consulting an attorney as well.  Yes, my health is suffering because I am always feeling depressed.  It would be so nice to wake up happy, releasing this burden of knowing how unhappy he must be as well. Thank you so much. 

I just wanted to add depending how you're being treated it becomes quite relative whether to divorce or not. My GX was abusing me so much and i was under such physical and emotional stress and depression everyday.. If i had to sleep on the street in a cardboard box it would have been better.
The day she left ..yeah i was sad and cried. But at the same time it was like immediately a load of bricks was taken off my chest..the fight or flight feeling was gone..i felt safe. And that is worth so much.

Same here. When GID then H left, it meant the debacle was over - I had flexed my power.

I became afraid to fly when I was with him. I thought it was age and thinking about my mortality more. No. It was him. I have no more problems in this area.

OP, it is just awful to make that discovery. my heart goes out to you. If you can leave, do. There is pain in the healing process, but it is more tolerable than living with the partner & this continued agony they cause.

Abby, I love that Yes!  Yes to good people.  Yes to spotting red flags right away and acting to cut those people out of your life immediately.

Last edited by MJM017 (July 10, 2019 1:38 pm)

 

July 21, 2019 5:41 pm  #9


Re: After 38 years?

I also found out that my spouse  was bisexual after 35 years of marriage but I have hit the trifecta. About 15 years into my marriage, my husband told me he was a crossdresser but insisted he wasn't  gay. The month of our 35th anniversary he told me he was molested as a child but was not gay. 5 months after that he told me he was bisexual. He absolutely doesn't want to separate or divorce but he has continuously  has had affairs, most with women. I've gone on antidepressants because it takes up so much of my brain space. Our sex life has always been good and he's been a good father and husband. I've  gone to therapy but ultimately  it's  my decision of what I want to do, stay or end it

 

July 22, 2019 11:49 am  #10


Re: After 38 years?

Ropurcell--Oh my goodness.  What difficulties you have faced throughout your marriage.  I would love to give you a virtual hug.  What a strong person you must be--and exhausted too, I bet.  No wonder you are depressed!  This is just so difficult.

I believe this community here, on the straight spouse network, can be an amazing support for you.  I am so glad you found us.  I hope you will read the first aid kit posts at the top of the discussion forums.

I also hope you will just read a lot, including older posts.  Have you figured out how to use the search feature?  You can search by keyword.  A lot of times, the title of a topic tells just a little, because as we respond to the topic, we then veer into side things as we connect to what someone else has just said.  So don't just rely on the topics--search for keywords within the posts.

And especially helpful: you can search by author.  So if you are reading and you feel there is a person or persons whose words and experience resonate for you, then you can do a search on their name and scan/read everything that person has written. 

I have found "reading by person" really helpful not just because I am reading more of the words and experience of this person who seems to "get me," but I also see this person's journey over time--their thought processes and feelings as they work through them.  Seeing these journeys has been a huge huge help--I cannot overstate that.

I want to respect what you want--it of course is your decision what to do.  The fact that you have come here suggests to me you are seeking direction.  I want to offer you two things--one a question and the other is suggested reading.

1.  Ask yourself, "in what ways has my husband been a good husband and father?"  I believe it is worth challenging this assumption.  He has had affairs with women throughout your marriage.  This is not "a good husband" at the foundational definition.  I also believe that not loving a child's mother, and being deceptive is absolutely not being a good father.  When you are up to it, you might try reading/searching on the website called "chump lady."

2.  Suggested reading--a book called "Do I Stay or Do I Go?" by Lundy Bancroft.  Please look at this book.  It is entirely respectful and honors your decisions.  At the same time, it helps you clarify what you really want.  It helps you to feel unstuck by helping you see your choices as yours to make, whatever they may be.  Please read this book.

xoxo

 

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