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July 9, 2019 1:34 pm  #1

Pride Month & MO Relationship

Pride Month took on a new meaning and feeling after having a spouse come out as gay. Unlike some of the posts I have read, my process moved rather quickly. I was informed on Sunday, September 10th that my spouse was gay and I filed for divorce that Thursday. He had been involved in relationships throughout the summer, and asked for a divorce. I saw no need to wait, so I filed as soon as I could.  

I'm a middle school teacher, so the inclusion and celebration of diverse background has always been important to me. Students are learning about and exploring their sexuality in middle school, and I tell them that all are welcome in my classroom. The language around the LGBTQ community tends to be divisive; it's polarizing and extreme. After having a spouse come out as gay I started to listen to the conversations surrounding this community more. The people who are anti-LGBTQ I just want to shake and say, "Do you want to walk this walk I am going through with your daughter? Son?" I don't think so. If not, then the language needs to be less severe and needs to stop pushing people into the shadows. Harsh language and legislation does not make people disappear. It makes them hide and pretend. And as we know, that pretending doesn't last forever. 

I support the advocacy for the LGBTQ community, but I struggle with where my voice/story is acceptable. When I read stories about people coming out, specifically those who have been married, it is a celebration and the voices of their families are silenced. The pain, loss, devastation, and betrayal is discounted. Self-discovery is wonderful, but I struggle when it is done at another's expense. I don't want anyone to not be who they are, but I don't know if people (the masses) understand the pain that lurks just below the surface.

This is a recovery process that has many layers and is unlike anything else I've experienced. I am grateful for those who are brave enough to share their stories to let others know they are not alone. Thank you for your courage in this time of pain. 


July 9, 2019 2:18 pm  #2

Re: Pride Month & MO Relationship anti-LGBTQ+ issues surrounding the expression of their true sexuality and their right to be who they are.
Even when I knew my partner was bisexual I (unaware and naive of the future issues I'd face)  incorporated this into our life together. Since telling me the innermost, dark desires be was having and the admission of wanting to do more....I find it difficult to NOT see him as "one of them" and them as against me. Silly of course....the only part of the LGBTQ community have any idea of the straightspouse struggle are the husbands, wives, partners who hide, lie, cheat and why would they admit to it. And the Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals, Trans and Queers....don't know or care that the straightspouse exists?

Anyway...any gay person I know...knows absolutely NOTHING about what I'm going through.
And these days I can spot an LGBTQ member a mile off.

And these days...They. Are. Everywhere

** ...look pressure in the eye,  
walk towards it... **


July 9, 2019 3:33 pm  #3

Re: Pride Month & MO Relationship

I can definitely relate to this (unfortunately). I've always had lots of gay friends and have massive amounts of respect for those who have the courage to come out and live their authentic lives...But, and I hate to admit this, I've found myself somewhat triggered by the Pride flag this year--just a few weeks since my husband of 8 years revealed he is bisexual. Logically, I know most of the LGBT community celebrating Pride month probably don't have a deceived straight partner withering in the shadows, but is impossible not to go to that dark place now (post-life-upending bombshell). I am still with my husband and agonizing over what to do: stay in limbo or leave...but I am so angry at him for turning rainbows into a PTSD trigger of sorts. I hope this will pass in time.
Kudos to you for accelerating the leave process. I know that must have been incredibly difficult, but you seem very strong.


July 9, 2019 6:34 pm  #4

Re: Pride Month & MO Relationship

I struggle with how and where to tell my story.  I think it's important that it be told, because I think most people haven't got the foggiest notion about transness, and the loudest voices are controlling the narrative and would paint me as a homophobe.  (Women have been threatened and physically attacked, and legitimate academic researchers have been subject to smear campaigns and their families threatened--look up what happened to Michael Bailey if you don't believe me, and read the report by Alice Dreger, advocate for intersex people, who was appointed to look into the allegations.) 
   For now, it seems to me that my best efforts can go to supporting those on this forum, the wives of trans-identified males.  I'm still just 8 months out from my divorce after three years of living with my now ex after his trans bomb drop, and five years out, as I discovered, from the time he "first asked myself the question, 'could I be trans.'"  For now, I don't see a clear way forward or have the heart--and energy--for a more public engagement.  


July 9, 2019 8:30 pm  #5

Re: Pride Month & MO Relationship

I respect all lifestyle choices as long as they do not cause pain or are abusive to children and adults.  I've known about homosexuality and the prejudices against them since Jr. High. It's impossible not to know about it where I am.

Julian, I avoided thinking about the parades this year out of pain too.  My city has three separate ones - the lesbian and trans groups had their own on Sat in addition to the main show on Sun.

I have not paid attention to social or political issues for a few years due to its extreme and divisive nature. It sounds like it's more than - I'm queer, I'm here, get used to it. I think I'll google and read.

I spoke to a leader of a divorce support group. I told her of my long term marriage and my 
certainty that my late x was gay. She didn't believe I would put up with it for so long. She told me she didn't think he was. I had a hunch she thought I was a liar. Ugh. 

I will attend the first meeting next week.  I need a divorce support group.  If it doesn't work out, there are other ones to try.

SecondAct, did you have a hunch your ex was gay before he outed himsel? That's a quick decision you made. Glad you did it!

Last edited by MJM017 (July 9, 2019 9:17 pm)


July 9, 2019 8:51 pm  #6

Re: Pride Month & MO Relationship

In some sense I get it... and yet who is ever going to approve of anything and everything you do? Even straight people deal with lack of acceptance. Religion change, mixed-race marriage, deciding not to have kids, career choices, family expectations, choice in spouse. Depending on the family there are even some of the same consequences. At a certain point you have to own your own choices despite what other people say or do.

There are so many other ethical options at this point that I just find it a cop-out to blame society. They could relocate to a more gay-friendly area, distance themselves a bit from unkind family, they could be honest with the potential straight spouse and see if they still want to try and make it work knowing it might fail, be celibate (straight people do this one too!), they could have a 'roomate' and just be discrete, be career-oriented with no time for a 'relationship'. They could be brave and out and stay exactly where they are.

Why is the only f*ing option dragging some poor, unsuspecting person who loves you into a false relationship!

I did a lot of internet lurking trying to understand at first. There absolutely are people, out people, who just get a gross thrill from cheating, they like the idea of turning a straight person who is married (as if a truly straight person would do that), and deliberately seek out GID types, not in spite of them having a straight spouse, but 'because' they have a straight spouse. It's a twisted fantasy. The weird idea of 'straight-acting' is ubiquitous in gay forums and articles too. I found it so damn depressing. (I don't recommend it if you don't want gay vacation/cruise ads popping up in your browser all the time).

I also know some good gay people with quality character and some that made mistakes but do the right thing a whole lot quicker and try not to hurt the other person involved. People have choices. I don't think celebrating people for finally making the right one (at the expense of someone else) deserves a parade. That's a huge reason why pride month and the flag waving upsets me. I just want to forget it ever happened. It's painful.


July 10, 2019 10:19 am  #7

Re: Pride Month & MO Relationship

I've had few difficult times during pride month, I was seriously pissed off during a yoga class that turned into a pride celebration when the teacher decided to include those who haven't have the courage to come out.  For those of us that have been used we just get swept under the rug.

My oldest son is gay and I am so thrilled and proud of him.  When he came out he came out HUGE and received overwhelming support from everyone, including about 1000 new FB friends overnight who never met him.  I wonder how difficult it was for my GIDH to witness?  Enough energy on him.

I understand why ppl in certain circumstances feel like they can't come out.  But I'm angry.

My turn

July 10, 2019 12:18 pm  #8

Re: Pride Month & MO Relationship

Hi Whirligig,

I've been away from the marriage for 3 yrs and the GIDXH has passed. I fell out of love with him at least 10 years ago. It's much harder when you are in the thick of things. My x was a con artist first and a closeted gay man 2nd.

I have been feeling some acceptance of his issues of family and societal pressure in my gut. It's still no excuse for treating me like he did. 

It helps me to let go of the past and move forward.  That's about it.I want to go out and date again. I want to be myself again. I'm at that stage.


July 10, 2019 6:02 pm  #9

Re: Pride Month & MO Relationship

The conclusion I have reached is that the closet is not about social pressures, its' primary use is to attract a straight spouse - we feel deceived because we have been.  The closet is about having children.

But yes there is this other side to it isn't there, thanks for doing the research, Whirligig, my stomach still goes.   my ex was like that - he takes pleasure in tricking people.  And I think when we are young we are not so conscious yet of what we are doing as we become with age, but looking back it seems to me that for him in the early days it was as much about the fun he was having tricking me as it was about me being such a good prop to use in his deception of everyone else.

It didn't last, the fun part of tricking - i was too easy to trick and he wasn't playing.  


July 10, 2019 8:09 pm  #10

Re: Pride Month & MO Relationship

I have a lot of compassion and understanding. I've been angry a lot lately though because I'm tired of using those qualities to come up with excuses for why it's okay for people to hurt me. Or allowing others to use those good qualities against me.

What that means for me is that I have to enforce a minimum standard of personal responsibility for people I allow in my life if they want to stay in my life. My acceptance of someone's experiences is no longer tied up in acceptance of their behavior. Otherwise known as boundaries. I'm still working on those.


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