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July 6, 2019 11:10 pm  #1


I feel lost and stuck

I got married in 2012. Husband wasnt so attuned to sex. I felt he was a virgin. I would make all the efforts for sex which came few times. Forward to 2015 while i was pregnant with my second baby I found a whatsapp chat propositioning a young man who was refusing. What got my attention was telling him things like he only wanted to cuddle, nothing much. When i confronted him, he denied it and was more concerned while i went to his phone.

After a while i found him in a cosy warm chat with another man. Possibly that one agreed. After few fights the communication stopped on whatsapp. 

Since last year, the sex stopped altogether. Little or no emotions invested in the marriage. Yesterday, I sent him a message i wanted out. He came back home wrecking of alcohol and sex maybe. Just for me to open his phone and see gay porn. Some with history of April. We have not had sex this year. We are in our 30s.

I feel stuck because we live in Africa. Marriage here is supposed to last a lifeline. I have been depressed for 4 years now. Chronically in the past year. We do not even have psychologist that i can see.

I told my mom then and she did not come up with anything useful. I am supposed to stay married so that my siblings can get married. 

I do not have a job yet. So i am sure what to do with my young kids. 

I want to pack and live this morning. But I feel i should stay out the kids school term. BUt at whose loss and gain. I am stuck. 

 

July 6, 2019 11:36 pm  #2


Re: I feel lost and stuck

Welcome to our Forum Ojecpomco.

Please take time to read the First Aid thread on the General Discussion Board. I think having family or friends 
to confide in who have your best interests at heart....is invaluable.

'hugs'


** ...look pressure in the eye,  
walk towards it... **


 
 

July 6, 2019 11:40 pm  #3


Re: I feel lost and stuck

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Welcome to our Forum Ojecpomco.

Please take time to read the First Aid thread on the General Discussion Board. I think having family or friends 
to confide in who have your best interests at heart....is invaluable.

'hugs'

Thanks a lot. I read it and still have it opened on my phone. I guess i just wanted to let out some steam while thinking about what else

     Thread Starter
 

July 7, 2019 9:28 am  #4


Re: I feel lost and stuck

   The path open to you, and your decision about what you can do, entail pressures and realities specific to your situation; for instance, the pressure you are under not to speak in order to preserve your siblings' ability to marry (are you the eldest sister?).
    It definitely seems you are being used by your husband as a beard, a cover for him to live an outwardly accepted and acceptable straight life, complete with children who can substantiate the appearance he is heterosexual, while he conducts an undercover life of liaisons with men.  
   The options you have open to you hinge on a number of factors.  Does your husband acknowledge he is homosexual?  Do you have the kind of marriage in which you can negotiate from positions of equal strength?  Is your knowledge of his homosexual behavior something you can hold over him to extract from him what you need if you decide to leave?  Would you consider, for example, staying silent if he gave you what you needed, and would such silence mean your siblings could marry, or would your merely leaving the marriage be enough to cast shade on them?  What are the laws on child support and divorce?  Is there a place you can go if you do leave?  Are there services or shelters for women you could access?  Are there ways for you to begin working toward independence?  Educational opportunities or business ones that would enable you to begin building a financial base and future for yourself?   These are all questions for you to think over and explore.  In the meantime, this is a safe place for you "to let out some steam."  
  

 

July 7, 2019 10:32 pm  #5


Re: I feel lost and stuck

Hello and welcome to the forum. Am so sorry you find yourself here facing these issues.

It is painful being married to a gay husband in denial. It sounds like you have family and societal pressure to stay married and not rock the boat. Have you seen anyone in your area slip out of a marriage quietly and peacefully? How did she do this? You don't have to tell me, but it may be a guide to follow. I am certain you know you aren't the only one with these circumstances in your locality.

My ex-husband passed away but he was deep in denial about being a homosexual. It took a toll on me. My thoughts go out to you and I wish you the best!
 

Last edited by MJM017 (July 7, 2019 10:34 pm)

 

July 7, 2019 10:56 pm  #6


Re: I feel lost and stuck

Thanks a lot OutofHisCloset and MJM017. Let me share some context.
Yes, I am the eldest child. Not just in my immediate family but also my extended family. That means I have responsibility over about 20 youngsters ranging from 32 to 14. I am only 33 myself. I have been chronically depressed this year, crying at very little thing and almost losing my will to survive. After those bouts, my immediate siblings have reminded me that my life is more important than their marriages. 

My husband is a GID.  So, he needs me to cover up. We had a long talk last night though. I said I wanted out and he wanted to know why. I described how I have never had his love and all. I mentioned that even while pregnant he couldn’t really show concern for me. He argued that he was trying his best. 'His best' includes just talking to me politely. Asides that no emotions, no time spent together. Only two physical intimacy last year and none this year. 

But his best is not enough for me anymore. It was when I thought he was just emotionally detached but since finding text messages in 2014 that showed him soliciting male partner who decline for just friends. I saw he cared for people and knew how to express those emotions. It is different with me. Meanwhile, having gay sex is illegal in my country and they really do not support them. So i can see as it hard for him. 

But he really did sound like he wants to make efforts. Pleading about how he is really putting in work. But love doesn’t really need work so to say. I mean it’s not hard to cuddle, to hold hands, to want to spend time. 

Anyway, like the first aid kit mentioned to find family and friends. I told my aunt yesterday morning too. She advised that I would move out end of July after the kid's school term closes. She thinks living separately especially without him knowing we are moving out, would help. He would be forced to come to the negotiation table. She thought moving out alone will suffix for me. I am really fatigued emotionally. To me getting ahead with a divorce will help me. Maybe I am wrong. 

As far as support is concerned, my aunt has agreed that i move into my parents’ house. She will support living expenses will i get a job. I do have graduate degrees, just returned from acquiring one abroad. So, I am qualified just that we do have high unemployment rates, so it is taking time getting one. I have started applying to any job in the world. I do feel like running away from here often. 

People here leave marriages, it’s just like the 80s in developed  world I guess. It comes with lots of stigma. But I am going to have to brave it out. Hopefully do it quietly, till it’s time to return to traditional marital rites. 

Thanks for this group, I spent yesterday reading through page by page. It helps to know what people have gone through.

     Thread Starter
 

July 7, 2019 10:58 pm  #7


Re: I feel lost and stuck

I must say that sometimes though there is this fear that I  might be making a mistake. Denying my kids the opportunity to grow with both parents. 

Last edited by OJECPOMCO (July 7, 2019 10:58 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

July 8, 2019 7:57 am  #8


Re: I feel lost and stuck

OJECPOMCO,
   It sounds as if you are making good plans, and I'm glad you have the help and support of your siblings in and your aunt.  That your aunt has offered you safe haven is wonderful. 
   I understand your feeling about your husband's feelings.  I, too, was married to a person who was distant and emotionally unavailable, very self-absorbed and distracted.  When I though this was just "who he was" I was able to believe that with effort we could make progress.  When the real reason for his inability was revealed, I knew that no effort on either of our parts would ever be able to bridge the gap.  When you have seen your spouse exhibit with another what you believed him incapable of, you realize you have nothing to work with.  
   Last, I, too, believed for most of my life that one "stays for the children."  Recently, however, I read something that made me re-consider that, and that was, "You don't stay for the children; you leave for the children."  You leave in order to model for them what a marriage should be, you leave to model self-respect, and you leave to provide them an atmosphere that is not poisoned by secrecy.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 8, 2019 7:58 am)

 

July 8, 2019 9:09 am  #9


Re: I feel lost and stuck

OOHC I agree with you on the children issue. OJECPOMCO I understand your dilemma on the children question but they are better off with a model of integrity than a model of an unhealthy relationship and you will question that regularly.  In spite of my anger about having to single parent, integrity is why I chose to leave. I was not willing to model a dishonest relationship. And no bones about it, it was and still is difficult logistically and financially but is getting better each month and year.  My daughter is thriving in my new marriage and lives having an additional brother and my son is slowly coming along as we create this new home.  We just combined homes this month which was a monumental task, but as the new certainty emerges everyone is calming down. 

Wishing you much strength and courage during this difficult time...

ADSJ

 

July 8, 2019 2:18 pm  #10


Re: I feel lost and stuck

Ojecpompco: I have so much sympathy for you.  What a hard situation you are in!  I also have such admiration for you, for your intelligence and compassion, and especially for your inner strength and efforts.  I am so glad you have your aunt, siblings, and cousins to support you.  I am also so impressed by all the advise others have offered above.

I am glad to read you are applying for work abroad.  This might really help you have a “reason” to split from your husband. 

If people leave marriages in your country, even with the stigma, there may be some people who could be good resources for you.  If there are not free services available to you, perhaps your aunt can help you find some people who can offer even more ideas and examples of how they have traversed similar problems in your country.

ABout “trying to make it work,” as you mention above.  I agree with your insights, and with the support for your insights offered by other forum members other above.  Lily on our forums often talks about how important it is to have reciprocity in a healthy relationship.  Reciprocity goes for everything, not just sexuality, but I believe the sexual and emotional connections lead to a desire for reciprocity in everything else.  without a generally equal desire for each other, nothing else will be in balance either.

If you are hungry for your husband, and he is hungry for others, even if you both are “trying,” it requires an enormous amount of “trying”—probably beyond human ability, I think, or at such a personal sacrifice that both partners become someone they are not, and that the relationship becomes damaged even further. 

For example, even if your husband were to cuddle and hold hands with you, as you point out, these things should just come naturally.  As should other kind and warm and loving behaviors. And how could you always be pointing out all these things for him to try to do?  This is a chore for both of you.  Couples work on “emotion-focused therapy,” to learn about and work in the love languages of each other.  But these are usually couples who already yearn for each other and are just trying to improve and work through natural marriage difficulties.   For a mixed orientation marriage, how can that work?  I believe the work of it is so immense it becomes your entire focus, and it drains people of their inner selves, and for what? A marriage that is not real.

Now that you both understand the truth of things, even if you did things like “intentional cuddling,” or even a huge list of things you developed for each other to do to show love, both of you would have these inner yearnings—you looking to him, and him looking away from you—and that awareness would now just make it all the more painful for both of you.

I do read sometimes of people who make it work for a year or even many years, but it comes at enormous personal expense, often leading to debilitating depression for both partners.  And, these partners do not make it for long.

I belong to a conservative religion, and recently there are so so SO many men who are finally—after decades of trying to make it work—separating from their wives,  and the emotional destruction is incredible.

I think one of the saddest, most publicized stories, is this one—a gay man and straight woman, close friends since teen years, who did all they could to “try.”  They had children together.  They both became mental health counselors, and knew everything professionally possible to work together, including sex therapies.  They were not looking elsewhere.  Really, if this couple could not make it work, who can?

Here is a Slate article that I think is a good overview and puts this marriage in context in the broader culture.  I tried to include a link to the couple’s original posts, which were thorough and honest and compassionate and gut wrenching.  However, these original posts are no longer available.  I am certain the couple have a lot of personal healing to do, and they never really intended to become public figures—their story has been politicized on all sides, and I  suspect they wanted that no more.  They wanted privacy.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/02/josh-and-lolly-weeds-account-of-why-their-mixed-orientation-marriage-failed-is-remarkable.html

 

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