Dear DaisyDuke,

Consider yourself one lucky girl!!! No, I'm not saying that this isn't a painful experience for you. It's terrible! Yet, you know the truth and you are now free to grieve a relationship that's over and that's based on fraud. Accept this awful circumstance, give yourself time to heal, and thank God you didn't marry this man and have kids with him!

Betsy,

She didn't have kids with him; they each have one son from previous relationships.  So no kids together.

Kel

Life's okay right now 😀
I close on a beautiful house in three weeks.  He's helping me pack, helping me move, helping get resettled, helping financially, and we've now distanced.  There's a reprieve from the dramatic part and I actually cab feel the toxic sludge I've been living in that I had grown so accustomed to I didn't know it was going on.

I'm grateful.  It could all be much worse.  I have not yet been tested for anything and will make that appointment when I'm ready. 

I feel really sorry for him.  His drinking is up, he looks terrible, he's totally avoidant and can barely engage me, he seems so ashamed and I've exhausted him with endless processing.

I feel sad for our boys and me losing our family.,,, but I'm grateful to have a home.

I'm at a superficial level these days just too tired myself.

I hope you begin feeling better soon uourself.  I'm assuming it's a long recovery.  I dbt really know yet.

I am writing as I sit here in disbelief.  My husband of 23 years told me tonight that he is leaving.  I don't understand why this is happening.  He states he hasn't cheated on my but is attracted to gay porn.  I am so lost.  How could I have not known?  What does this mean?  What about our kids.  He doesn't want me to say anything to our kids( the youngest is 17 )about his preference, but I feel that they need to know why this is happening and that I was blind sided.  We had an amazing marriage until I found out.  I just am lost.  
 

sad wife

I hurt for you.  I'm only a couple months removed from being in your exact shoes.  Wish I could give you a big hug.  Know that you have found the right place.  There are hundreds of us here who have been through similar situations. 

To answer your questions directly. 
"How could I have not known?" - Because our gay spouses are masters of deceit and lies.  They have spent a lifetime trying cover it up, even lying to themselves.  Additionally, our sub-conscious often picks up signs and clues, but we refuse to accept or believe these things.  Denial is a very powerful thing.  You will likely find out in the coming months that you have seen signs.  But don't blame yourself for this.  It is NOT your fault. 

"What does this mean?"   It means that he has been struggling to repress his true sexuality for years, likely since his early teen years.  Hidden sexuality is a wound that festers and grows.  He's finally reached a point where he can't repress it any longer.  No matter how much he says he loves you, he is not able to keep it inside any longer.  Sorry to be so blunt, but in most cases the people on this forum report that they have in fact cheated on you even though they say they haven't.  I hope for your sake that he has not.  I can tell you first that the cheating and betrayal hurts more than learning about their sexuality and the upcoming divorce.  

"What about our kids?"   Your kids will be fine.  This won't be easy on them, just like it's going to be very hard on you.  But you can be their rock and guide them through it.  You can show them real love and be the one they trust.  Try not to fight with him in front of them and try not to make them pick sides or use them to get in the middle.  But, you can be honest with them.  They are old enough to understand the facts and make their own choices about how they will move forward with their relationships.  

I know you are lost.  I was there too..  I still am to a certain extent. 

Please read the following post written by a forum member named Steve:  This is an excellent welcome message and gives some fantastic advice on how to deal with the early days of this journey. 

"Hello,
 
My heart goes out to you because I know only too well the shock and disbelief you are feeling right now. It’s HORRIBLE but please know that you are not alone.  There are many people on this forum who have been where you are now... some are still there.  Hopefully you will take some time to read a lot of the posts here.
 
We all have different stories and find ourselves in different circumstances so there is no ‘one size fits all’ strategy for getting support when such a trauma happens... but if it’s ok I would like to list a few common  ways that people find help.
 
Family and friends
Strangely it is often our family and friends who are the hardest to tell when there is something very wrong in our marriage yet they are the very people who should know, possibly already do know, and who can help the most.  MAKE SURE YOU ARE TALKING TO YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS. That doesn’t mean you have to tell everyone but you should definitely tell SOMEONE.  Lean heavily on the people who love you most.  THIS is what families are for.
 
Your doctor
If you feel you aren’t coping emotionally, physically or mentally GO TO YOUR DOCTOR.  If you are suffering sleeplessness, loss of appetite (weight loss) or any other physical symptoms OR you feel that you might be suffering depression your doctor can help you. 
 
If you are depressed and feel like you could use the help a doctor can prescribe anti-depressants.    Using anti-depressants is NOT a sign of weakness.  Many people who frequent this forum (including myself) have used them in the past and benefited from them.  Given the right prescription and dose they do not make you a ‘zombie’ as some people fear and for all intents and purposes you will function normally.
 
Your doctor can also refer you to a counsellor, therapist or psychologist if you need psychological support... and most of us in this situation do.
 
Counselling / Therapy
Therapy or counselling is pretty much considered a ‘must have’ around here because a properly trained counsellor or therapist can help you understand your feelings, order your thoughts and plan a way forward.
 
Support Groups
This forum is an ‘on-line’ support group but in some places you may be able to find a ‘real life’ support group.  Not that we are not ‘real’ but you know what I mean.
 
The Straight Spouse Network does have groups that meet I believe (see the links on the Straight Spouse Network Home Page) otherwise you might be able to find other groups who offer support to people going through separation or divorce.
 
Attorneys / Lawyers / Solicitors (Legal advice)
After the heartbreak the next greatest source of anxiety many of us experience is often fear about our legal position / situation. Legal advice is vital for at least two reasons.  It makes you aware of your rights AND helps prevent you from doing something stupid. GET LEGAL ADVICE as soon as you can ESPECIALLY if you have children and particularly before either you or your spouse leave the family home. 
 
Now... all of that sounds like a lot to do at a moment when all you will feel like doing is curling up in a ball and crying... none of it has to happen TODAY but make sure you know that the people above are there to help you and you are NOT alone.  Take one day at a time but GET HELP from as many places as you can.  Don't try to do this alone.

Please keep posting.  We are here for you.
 
Steve. "