NO ONE is giving up on you, Daisy darling.  Certainly not me. We all get how difficult it is when all you want is for them to love you, and then when they do, having no strength to resist that which you want. We get it. Totally.

But please know that things aren't going to settle until changes are made. Here's how that works.  You're exhausted from all the mental anguish, confusion and grieving.  You wake up and he's nice to you. Or you and he can manage to live together without constantly discussing it, and the lack of active pain feels like a reprieve. And so you sit in it, hoping that maybe if you sit still for a bit longer, you'll have a bit of peace in order to catch your breath. And maybe while regaining your strength, some clarity will come, too.  Maybe things will be a bit more clear if you just let them be - maybe they'll come to you instead of you chasing them. And so that becomes your new normal - that pregnant pause becomes more accepted as something you can deal with. And you begin to bargain that maybe it's not so bad after all.

You're expecting the other shoe to drop, and so when it does, all you want now is to get back to your normal. Only your new normal is now a wasteland of the life you formerly thought you had. But still - you'd rather live there than in the fighting or sadness.  You'd love to just be devoid of pain for a bit.  And you're getting used to the progression and new developments. They may make you more certain that your relationship is beyond saving, but you aren't shocked anymore by them. Their shock value has worn off. So you get more numb to what's going wrong, and you accept your life more and more.  One day, when the time is right, you'll leave.

And then one day you realize that you don't have the fortitude to get out anymore.  Your self esteem is shot, you're embarassed at how much you've you've let him get away with, and you're so exhausted you can't cry anymore.  Leaving now seems too hard.  You need to gather strength. You love this house, this family, these neighbors.  You'll wait until the kids graduate, or until the house sells, or until he retires.  And then you look back and realize that 20 years have passed. You can't leave now - you've invested too much time, you don't want to hurt the kids, or confuse the grandkids.  And so you've chosen to stay miserable because you just never gathered the strength. You never knew for sure.  You loved him, but you never loved YOU.

I just don't want you to go through what so many of us here have.  If only someone had told me all of this then. I would have bolted so much earlier.

Do what's right for you. But I encourage you to do what's best for you (and by you, I mean YOU - not you two) - not what's easiest. The easiest thing and the best thing are seldom the same thing.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (September 14, 2016 9:19 pm)

Thank you for the posts.

I am in process of moving and appreciate the support to keep going.  Packing, looking for a place to move to, socking away cash and keeping going to work and parenting....with feelings galore.

Daisy,
Please know, that what may seem like more stress & judgment from us, when we are being so adamant about loving yourself, having strength, grabbing some ladyballs, leaving this unhealthy relationship, is really just everyone throwing a life preserver to you to save you, while we are already on the boat to safety (at least some of us are on the boat, me, & others are hanging on, trying to climb aboard, just like you)

Everyone here has been through exactly what you are going through. The pain, fear & longing is something everyone relates to. Eventually, or so I'm told, all of it progresses to an eventuality of peace, calm & clarity. You will get there too, you just have to go thru this ugly shit first. 

We all are rooting for you, your fellow shitstorm troopers  xxxxx
Sham   
 

Last edited by whatasham24 (September 15, 2016 5:26 pm)

Jkpeace, Dee. glad I could help. If cynical, Phyllis Diller advice is what you're looking for, I'm your girl

Daisyduke wrote:

I put in an offer on a house!  I find out tomorrow.  It has a basement almost finished for a mother in law, which will contribute nearly half the cost of the mortgage and I won't have to live entirely alone.

My fiancé will be helping with costs for the MIL.  He became very quiet and not talkative when I told him.  "It's all just happening so fast", "I can feel the separation starting, and it's pretty hard" said he.  He wanted this.  So what gives?