I wish there was an in person support group to attend. 🤕

Wow.  I can't believe he admitted to that.  They never admit to stuff like that - at least you know the whole truth.  That doesn't make it any easier to stomach, but most of us here didn't get the truth until much later, if ever.  We're left fighting a ghost that they tell us doesn't exist.  Lucky isn't a good word, but it is fortuitious that you got the truth.

He shouldn't be asking you to make this a loan.  But maybe you can get away with taking the "loan" without him having you write it down that way and commit to it.  Then you can skate off into the sunset and never speak to him again.  While that sounds harsh, I don't consider it to be since he knew he was taking your money when he accepted your entire savings, and then did this.  It would be getting back what you put in under false pretenses.

There's nothing left to do at this point except move forward.  Don't cross the streams of what needs to be done with how it feels.  Do what needs to be done, and then deal with the emotions separately - whether with friends, a counselor, or family.  You do NOT owe it to him to keep his secret.  You do not have family that will need to henceforth interact with him, so how he appears to the people in your life is none of his concern.  Either be proud of who you are or try being different - he doesn't get to do what he wants AND have it be kept hush-hush.  If what he's doing is fine with him, then he shouldn't fear others knowing.  If it's not okay for him to be seen in light of the truth, then he should consider that his choices are defunct and embarrassing for a reason.  He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it, too.  The only area I feel different about is when it comes to his own son - he should be able to decide what to tell him.  If you tell your son the truth and the whole truth, he will likely tell his son, and that's really not your place.  If it were your son together, it would be different.  But it's not.

You can do this.  You have more strength than you think - strength reveals itself in times like these.

Kel

Daisyduke wrote:

I am up again but at least I've gotten three hours of sleep. I feel like dying. He seems gleeful. I can't tell many people why I'm in pain or look like crap.

I want my partner to talk to about my current nightmare. He is the nightmare.

I have been in your shoes for the past 2 months.  I know exactly what it feels like.  It's like dying, but you have to keep living through it.  There is no closure, no end, just pain. 

Have you gone to Dr. yet?  Please consider seeing a Dr. and getting a couple of prescriptions.  You should be able to get an anti-depressant that will moderate your emotions and keep the anxiety at bay.  You should be able to get a sleeping pill that will help you get enough rest to avoid lack of sleep compounding your physical and emotional trauma.  


 

reading your last post it's clear, you are a co-dependent. Do not confuse this with love & equality or him caring. Of COURSE he wants you near & on his side, it keeps you from holding his feet to the fire 100%, not just once in a while where he can pacify you for awhile, but not having to pay you out any $$, being outted, being alone & responsible for his actions. It is REALLY hard, I know, to separate from a significant relationship, especially when you aren't the one that instigated it. But try to get some space between you so you can think clearly & he can't weasle his way back into manipulating you into giving in. That's exactly what he's doing. Remember how outraged, indignant he got when you were not so agreeable (aka "manipulated & naive)? He wasn't very loving then. That is his true self. Someone who really loves you, doesn't turn on a dime because you express you want honesty & equality, or that you aren't giving him a pass on being able to express himself sexually, outside your relationship, let alone a bi/gay lifestyle.

Write out a wishlist of what is needed for your long term happiness & health in a marriage. Then see how being married to him would stack up against that list. Now tell yourself how his actions now are no where near what they are going to end up as in 3, 5., 10 & 20 years down the road. Once outted & unveiled, they ALWAYS progress.It never stays the same or dials backward. Never.

Hoping you find strength & clarity & put yourself on the TOP of the list 
Sham

 

Daisy,

I realize that what most if not all of us want when we first come here is to get the noise to stop.  We want back what we thought we had before our world started to blow up.  We love our spouse, and we want to support them in their struggle, but we also want THEM - for US.  Most of us find over time that we can't have that, which is what propels us to leave.  But sometimes we're promised the moon over and over, and we go through these little honeymoon phases, which is everything we want, and we're hoping that it's the beginning of something fantastic vs. a targeted distraction.  The only way to tell what's real is to examine your spouse's actions.  I know you've had a hard week, so I've taken the time to go back over your posts and recap for you what you've disclosed to us.  Maybe seeing it all written down together will bring you some clarity.

Friday, Sept. 9th:  He broke the engagement.  Your found disturbing porn, porn with trans men, swinging ads for females, naked pics of his ex girlfriend.  He wants to explore his sexual desires, and he wants a 3-way with a tranny.  Wants all of this kept a secret.

Sat., Sept. 10th:  He went out of town to visit a married college buddy.  He comes home with a club stamp on his hand and lies to you about it.  You get into a heated argument - he's furious at you for saying that you shouldn't be in your situation (of needing money for a downpayment to move out).

Sun., Sept. 11th, 10 am:  When deciding what to tell the boys about why the two of you are breaking up, he doesn't want them to know the truth.  Wants to tell them that he can't give you what you deserve, and that you deserve so much more, and he doesn't love you the way a man getting married should.  The kids ponder if he's gay.

Same day, 11:00 pm:  You tell him that you want to 1. Move out quickly, 2. Stop sleeping in the same bed together, 3. Stop having sex with each other, and 4. That you told a few friends.  He responds by calling you weak, a liar, and telling you that "moving out is basically your problem".  He'll "see about helping you get moved out and resettled".  He's drunk again.  You are shocked by his hostility.  You are hurt at his unkindness.  You feel that you've lost your best friend.

Mon., Sept. 12th:  His face is smug and unaffected.  He's trying to pull off seeming interested in caring about you.  You are floored that he thinks you'll move out but still stay with him while he explores his sexuality.

Tues., Sept. 13th:  He admits that he wants sex with trannies, he wants to play out violent sex fantasies (like asphyxiation with another woman), and tells you that he's no longer in love with you.  He's admitted to gaslighting you for a year and a half.  He says that he will provide a substantial loan to help you move out.

Wed., Sept. 14th (today): 6 am:  You got 3 hours of sleep last night.  You feel like dying.  He's gleeful.  You're in pain and look like crap.  You want to be able to talk to him about your pain, but he's the nightmare causing it.

Same day, 11:21 am:  Neither of you want to sleep apart or be away from each other.  He seems very relieved, is happy, and admits relief at being able to talk about "this stuff".  Says he feels closer to you.  You don't want to be without him, and he says the same.  He says he needs to "work out a string of difficult elements in his relationships" (what's that even mean???).  He admits to fantasizing about both women and men.  He tells you that he didn't feel like he could share all these thoughts with you, but now that he has, you're essentially not the prude he's projecting that he thought you were. The two of you had some cathartic sex, and you feel a lot of relief today.  He insists he would never cheat on you because he's already done that in the past and it didn't go well for him.  You say he's an integrity-filled guy, he's no schmuck, he takes good care of you and these recent blow ups and refusal to give you money are not like him. You are understandably confused.

Now, after reading all of that, how do you feel?  Sweetie, you can't see the above shitstorm without seeing that this man either doesn't love you, or he's not good at loving.  Neither of which bode well for marriage.  He's told you he doesn't love you, that wants to be free, broken his commitment to marry you, wants you to move out, tells you that you moving is your problem, and admits to wanting sex with men, trannies and wanting dangerous, volient sex with others.  After all that, alllll he needs to do is say that he's not going to cheat (because his track record is so good), and make love to you, and you get all turned around and gooey?  How much does he have to say and do before you get that he's not for you???

I'm sorry to be so harsh.  I really am.  It's not my intent to harm you - you're already hurting enough.  But WAKE UP, girlfriend!  FUCKING RUN LIKE YOUR HAIR'S ON FIRE!!!!!

Kel