I seem to vent a lot. I do not know what else to do. I have friends and a family member who is aware of the fact that my husband takes estrogen because he feels that it physically makes him feel better. He wears some female clothing but its more ambiguous in nature. I always thought that was more gender fluid but I do not know all the terminology yet. But even though people know, and i vent to them (some of them have been my friend a long time) I still do not walk away feeling like they understand the situation and the weight it carries. My husband and I still live together. We each have our own room. That started out that way because of when we had our daughter it was easier to swich off on getting up with her as the one who did not have to stayed in the spare room because she was in the main bedroom. I have serious insomnia and i jus slept better so we stayed that way. He snores bad so that was a relief too not to have to deal with that waking me up and not getting b?ack to sleep or not falling to sleep to begin with but that is another story. We would still spend time together in my room at night, intimacy or just watching television but we spent time together. Now, we dont spend any time together. For a while i would ask if he wanted to watch tv before bed and for a while he did but he stopped because he said it was too hard for him to do that. Too hard for him? I have since taken down all the photos of us in the house. We are esentially I guess separated. We dont wear our rings. He never does whereas i will for work or social events when I am around people who dont know. Our daughter has not noticed anything odd about him yet ie his breast growth, the fact he shaves, his foundation on his face. I worry about when she is old enough to notice or if her friends do first and say something to her, she is five now. 

I think the lonliness is what is getting to me these days. I feel like I am just so lonely. I think to myself how long can someone go being so isolated and alone before they crack? I miss simple human contact like holding hands, kissing even the forehead ones, just basic attention. He says that he does not care if I find this attention elsewhere if that makes me happy but I just cant do that while being married and even if i didnt feel odd about it I am just so jaded I dont even want to seek out anyone. It is like a double edge sword 

I have things that occupy my time. Involoved as a board member for a veteran charity and politics but I am starting to struggle with continuing this because honestly all i feel like doing is what i have to do ie work, taking care of my daughter but any spare time I just want to hibernate. I know self defeating when I feel isolated and lonely to begin with. I know its depression but I am already on antidepressants wellbutrin 100 mg twice a day. I guess I can try to get that increased but that is not going to change my situation 

it all boils down to I MISS MY HUSBAND! not this giant manly looking female in front of me. Who thinks because he does not want gender surgery that it somehow makes it less dramatic. I was snooping and I know i should not be doing that but he doesnt tell me anything. He was on estrogen for six months or more before he told me. I found on his computer a journal entry from this past november where he said he felt like he was on a date with his best friend. That he texted all day basically begging them to take him out so they did and ended up at the bar at applebees I know he went there once with his best friend who is a guy so when the next paragraph was about the fact that he realized you can find love with anyone male or female I am thinking does that mean he is also gay or bisexual? Do i confront him when that will show I was spying which I am not proud of and the fact that he is a computer technition he could very well keep good track of my life which i dont want either. 

I just want my life back and I am so angry and depressed and lonely. I know it affects my daughter because I just have no energy to do anything. 

It is like a messed up thing. Before all this he was anti social and that was the big thing that upset me that he never wanted to do anything or go anywhere. Now he is social but he is what he is now and i dont want to be out and about with him this way. I have anxiety enough that tomorrow we are going to my best friends daughters b day party and we are going as a family. Some of theem most of them have not seen him this way, even though like i said its not like he is in a dress but his chest is obvious and he doesnt do what he said he would do at the start. Said he would wear a sports bra to hide his chest when he wears clothing. 

I Just miss my husband and my life. 

thanks for listening