OnMyOwnTwoFeet wrote:

This idea of "one more thing he has stolen from me" is something I understand!  Different things, but yes.  It seems to go on and on and on and on.

For example, the children.  One thing that has really bothered me lately is this idea of my husband wanting to use my body but not to love it.  In lots more ways than sexual or affection.  Just to have me work work work work work (work work work work), but then not wanting to take me to the doctor when I had fainted, had been running a fever of 103.5 for a few days, and had a rash all over my body.  (I'm pretty sure I've writtne that example on here before.)  Just less allowance for me to even take care of my own body than the attention we give to maintain a car. 

And the children are part of that—using my body to bear them and for the work of raising them, but despising me. 

I had a stream of consciousness rant here but removed it. I should have known better than to post all that. But basically, I did almost all the work of raising the children. He was a very uninvolved father except for the oldest when a baby. He became more distant and critical, especially toward the younger children, and he was also very critical of me as a mother in particular and of all the “domestic” things I loved to do.

But now that the kids are older teens and young adults, my husband is very proud of them and enjoys their company. And he is being Super Dad, using the money—which he will always have more of because I gave up my career to raise our children—to do Super Things and buy cool gear and fund fabulous travel.

AND!  I also understand how incredibly angry I can get--so surprised by it sometimes. I am sorry you had to face this betrayal of trust and consideration from him, when you had sacrificed yourself to keep his secret for so long.

I am sorry your kids seem not to care. The kids really do have to walk a vulnerable path of seeking to love both parents and stay connected to both parents.  And I agree:  it is all about them at this stage. They also have a lot to process, and may not be showing it. My therapist reminds me that the kids need a safe parent, and they will often work harder to connect with the unsafe parent and rage at the safe parent. But they know you are safe for them. And eventually—if you can stay safe, and let them forge their own way through the pain, without them feeling they have to take care of you, then they will want to be with you more and more, and eventually will understand your pain. As you show them empathy, they will learn this and return it to you.

It occurred to me that--maybe--your friends have not said anything to you because of how your husband presented it to them.  And maybe they really don't know all that much.  Maybe he said they had to keep it a secret.  You only know what he told you he told them.  I am not really justifying him at all--just allowing that your friends and family might not really understand much.

Best to you.  It is awful.

Your ex sounds like a peach. It's bad enough to lie and deceive you but to treat you with contempt is just horrific. And now to want to be the hero for the kids. Just blech. My stbx is bribing my kids with a dog. They've always wanted one and he always said no. They are going to get it today. I'll have the last laugh though when it gets old and expensive and he has to deal with it alone since all the kids will be out on their own by then. 

I hadn't really considered how he might have told them. It doesn't really matter though because as I said they've been inviting him over all the time and I get no invitations at all. It's like I don't exist anymore, even before he told them. From the moment we separated, I was invisible. I don't need friends like that.

And there is nothing wrong with posting your rant. Get it out, all of it, it does help a lot, at least I find that it helps me a lot.
 

a_dads_straight_journey wrote:

JKC, Don’t give up on your friends and family YET. They are still processing and don’t know what to say so they say nothing. Also. it’s unusual and foreign to them (TGT) and it’s awkward.

Lastly, I don’t recall if your STBX cheated before coming out, but IMO it’s unfair to you if he did and they don’t know that. Not sure how to handle that disclosure.

Sorry if my tone is too direct given your grief at the moment, but don’t let him control your narrative. If you need to write a script to get it precise, do so.

Wishing you much strength and courage....

All the best.

ADSJ

I'll be honest, I don't really want to talk to them about it. They gave up on me the minute we announced our separation before they knew the whole truth. I think I'm changing my expectations of our "friendship" to include occasionally seeing them and maybe a girls night out with some other women but outside of that, I am not looking for the same type of friendship from them ever again. I've been there for some of them in some really difficult times but it's clear they can't reciprocate. So I won't look for that from them again.

As for if my STBX cheated, that is a complete non issue for me. I got tested for STD's and came out clean and that was my only worry about it. To me, it really doesn't matter in the slightest if he broke his vows, because he had NO business making those vows in the first place. If he was a guy who had never acted on his urges and truly didn't understand what his feelings meant but thought he loved me and wanted me and then started to understand them more as he got older that would be one thing. But he admits now that had sex encounters with men prior to meeting me. So he knew, he just didn't want to live that life so he used me. I could care less who he's been with during our marriage. I don't feel "betrayed" by the other people, I feel betrayed that he lied about wanting me, that he had to pretend to want me every single time we were intimate. 

That's leaving some pretty serious scars for me, not gonna lie. I'm with someone new now. And he's very affectionate and demonstrative of his feelings towards me and this might be too personal but I still have a hard time believing that our intimate moments are real for him. He's pretty quiet at certain moments and I've at times had to talk myself out of believing that he is faking those moments.  At the end of my time with my ex I realized he was faking orgasms with me. So now, I worry it's happening with my boyfriend even though I've seen proof that it's real. I still worry. I just can't stop myself and I hate it. Even as I try to reclaim my life, me STBX is fucking me over.

Last edited by jkc1214 (July 5, 2019 10:13 am)

StraightSpouse1979 wrote:

I know how you feel. I have been with my husband for almost twenty years and since i have hardly any family to speak of his family is essentially my family and not reached out to me once to see how I am doing with all of this. He at one point changed his status publicly to transgender without telling me then said he does not know how to change settings so he just deleted it but not before someone saw it and told me. Thankfully they already knew but he has my work friend and some of my family on there so they could have seen that. They have not said anything but could be same scenario where they dont know what to say. I think we are the forgotten ones in all of this. We get well everyone deserves to be happy. He is doing what he has to do finally to be himself. Well, as you said he could have done this years ago since he knew when he was a child and prevented 20 years of life together and a 5 year old daughter now that I have to see what is more beneficial to her. 

Yup, we are definitely forgotten. Or it's the cancer syndrome...I can't talk about it with you because what if it's catchy? And it must be hard to lose all your family like that. I've never been close with his family. They probably could care less that I'm gone now. I've always been a fish out of water with them, we just think too differently about life. I am not saddened at all at the loss of them. To be honest, their reactions to my STBX's experimentation as a teen are what led to him diving deeply into the closet and ultimately choosing to live a lie with me thus ruining my life. So thanks for that assholes...they KNEW...and still let me marry him...and then treated me with contempt for our entire marriage. No great loss for me there but I can imagine it's so very difficult for you. *hugs*