This idea of "one more thing he has stolen from me" is something I understand!  Different things, but yes.  It seems to go on and on and on and on.

For example, the children.  One thing that has really bothered me lately is this idea of my husband wanting to use my body but not to love it.  In lots more ways than sexual or affection.  Just to have me work work work work work (work work work work), but then not wanting to take me to the doctor when I had fainted, had been running a fever of 103.5 for a few days, and had a rash all over my body.  (I'm pretty sure I've writtne that example on here before.)  Just less allowance for me to even take care of my own body than the attention we give to maintain a car. 

And the children are part of that—using my body to bear them and for the work of raising them, but despising me. 

I had a stream of consciousness rant here but removed it.  I should have known better than to post all that.  But basically, I did almost all the work of raising the children.  He was a very uninvolved father except for the oldest when a baby.  He became more distant and critical, especially toward the younger children, and he was also very critical of me as a mother in particular and of all the “domestic” things I loved to do. 

But now that the kids are older teens and young adults, my husband is very proud of them and enjoys their company.  And he is being Super Dad, using the money—which he will always have more of because I gave up my career to raise our children—to do Super Things and buy cool gear and fund fabulous travel.

AND!  I also understand how incredibly angry I can get--so surprised by it sometimes. I am sorry you had to face this betrayal of trust and consideration from him, when you had sacrificed yourself to keep his secret for so long.

I am sorry your kids seem not to care.  The kids really do have to walk a vulnerable path of seeking to love both parents and stay connected to both parents.  And I agree:  it is all about them at this stage. They also have a lot to process, and may not be showing it.  My  therapist reminds me that the kids need a safe parent, and they will often work harder to connect with the unsafe parent and rage at the safe parent.  But they know you are safe for them.  And eventually—if you can stay safe, and let them forge their own way through the pain, without them feeling they have to take care of you, then they will want to be with you more and more, and eventually will understand your pain.  As you show them empathy, they will learn this and return it to you.

It occurred to me that--maybe--your friends have not said anything to you because of how your husband presented it to them.  And maybe they really don't know all that much.  Maybe he said they had to keep it a secret.  You only know what he told you he told them.  I am not really justifying him at all--just allowing that your friends and family might not really understand much.

Best to you.  It is awful.

Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (June 27, 2019 7:08 pm)

JKC, Don’t give up on your friends and family YET. They are still processing and don’t know what to say so they say nothing. Also. it’s unusual and foreign to them  (TGT) and it’s awkward.   

I agree with OOHC. Simply tell them your story and see how they respond. I/we had friends that responded differently. Some were loyal to my ex for being brave, one couple has managed to remain friends with both of us but they empathize and understand the shit sandwich my ex gave me ( they’ve had their own experiences with her narcissism prior to her coming out but remained friends in spite of it so this was just one more item on the narc list for them). Another couple, I work with the husband, my ex plays hockey with the wife - same thing. The husband lost respect for my ex, the wife - we don’t discuss it.  Other friends have taken sides. My ex’s favorite  cousin, nothing but sorrow and respect for me. My siblings - mixed- some get my experience more, some get it less. My mother - furious as hell at the ex for taking 25 years from her son, BUT, she still interacts with ex on FB enough to keep up with her grandkids.   The more objective info they have of your loss the more they can decide how to respond.  But do not allow him to control your narrative. It is your story now, not his.  You can also create a tone in the narrative where they don’t feel they have to pick sides.  If they know the whole story they can decide but don’t lead them to a ‘side’.

Lastly, I don’t recall if your STBX cheated before coming out, but IMO  it’s unfair to you if he did and they don’t know that.  Not sure how to handle that disclosure.

Sorry if my tone is too direct given your grief at the moment, but don’t let him control your narrative. If you need to write a script to get it precise, do so.

Wishing you much strength and courage....

All the best.

ADSJ

Ah, Switzerland friends, how I loathe thee! My perspective is different. Cut them off! If you can't do it completely you just revoke their access to you in any meaningful way. If they ask why? You tell them the truth: that you couldn't rely on them for support through one of the most devastating experiences of your life.

I had a friend like that who chose to lie to me when they knew the truth and could have saved me the agony of this whole experience. They are no longer a part of my life. If you love these people too much to do this, I suggest as a practical matter to never discuss this with them to protect yourself and your feelings. They will not understand and it will be fresh pain if you don't place boundaries on your interactions. You will get awful advice like 'maybe you can be best friends!' and so forth which just makes it harder for the emotional hemorrhage to stop.

Find new friends. Rely on the family that supports you. Limit your interactions with the ones you love and don't want to lose to neutral subjects. This was the worst experience for me aside from the original pain. To realize it wasn't just one betrayal. I couldn't trust people I considered friends to care about me enough to tell me the truth. Nothing like realizing you mean so little to those who mean so much to you. Rage rant over. Give it some thought and do what you feel is best for you. But it's certainly okay for you to choose who you allow in your life.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm feeling much better today. I spent last evening with my boyfriend (still feels weird to say that!) and he let me talk it all out and gave me some similar perspectives as to what you are all saying here.  I'm very lucky that he doesn't shy away from emotional discussions. He talked about some of his own feelings during his divorce and it helped to know that some of what I'm feeling is just regular divorce stuff. It might sound stupid, but I've felt like everything is always about his homosexuality and that it's all about him but it turns out some of it is just regular crap that comes with getting divorced. That made me feel like a little less of a freak of nature married to the gay guy.

I actually ended up telling a couple of close coworkers yesterday and low and behold, they expressed sympathy and concern for ME...not him. I didn't hear once about how brave he is and how horrible it must have been for him for years living that lie. They wanted to know how I am dealing with things and what they can do to help. It was SO refreshing to not feel so invisible for once. 
 
And this morning, I was chatting with my daughter's boyfriend. They've been together for almost 3 years and he has always called me "Mrs. ____" even though I've asked him to call me by my first name. It's a sign of respect from him, just how he was raised.  He started to call me that again and stopped and used my first name instead. I smiled and said "In light of the recent revelations that have some to light in our family, I really need you not to call me Mrs. ____ anymore." He gave me a knowing look and said "I get it, I will try really hard not to"  I told him he could start calling me Ms. my maiden name and he got excited, gave me a fist pump and said "you go girl!!!" And gave me a hug. To me, he was acknowledging that life with my ex has been hard and he saw it as a positive I'm taking my life back and he's happy for me. That too, felt great. He's a 19 yo kid and he got it much better than many of the adults in my life.  

And the funny thing is that when I'm feeling ok I can acknowledge how hard it must have been for my STBX and I do feel for his situation. But I just want some acknowledgement that it's been pretty damn hard for me too.  I feel like I'm back to that today. 

So thank you!!!!