Cristina wrote:

I have looked down the road, I do everyday, over and over again. And over and over I tell myself stop trying to predict the future and focus on right now.

Christina, you don't have to just concentrate on today.  In what other area of our lives do we do that?  We don't tell ourselves that we don't need to bother grocery shopping because we'll just live with what's in the cabinet today (well, maybe we do - but we have a plan for when we can next go get more food).  We don't plan on just driving the car until it grinds itself to death - we change the oil and get new brakes when they begin squeaking.  We don't tell ourselves that we don't want to look down the road - because that leaves us more out of control later, when we will wish that we'd have heeded some of those warning signs.

I'll tell you when we DO tend to just deal with life day-by-day.  When it's hopeless to do otherwise.  Like when someone's dying and we're just grateful for each and every minute that we have with them.  Or left on this earth until we die.  It's all we have - today.  So we make no plans, knowing that there is nothing left that is inevitable except surrendering and appreciating the little things.  When we feel hopeless to change our situation, we give up on the planning and just start living in the day.  That is NOT the same as "taking it day-by-day", which is what an alcoholic does.  They make plans for their lives, too.  They just know that their disease is never fully in the rear-view mirror.  So they keep getting up and being sober every day - one day at a time.

It's scary to look ahead.  We all know that.  It's downright terrifying.  But sometimes it turns out that the fear is worse than going through the actual change.  It's like we become afraid of becoming afraid.  So we abandon fear altogether and just retreat back into our shell, where we feel like nothing can get us.  Life won't move on out there if we just stay in our shell, we reason.  But that's not true.  It's always moving along.  You just have to decide if you want to have some control of what it looks like down the road vs. just having to deal with whatever happens while you're hiding away.  It's almost never easier to wait things out.  It's much more empowering to confront them head-on, and start sorting through the mess that is your overstuffed closet of life.  Get rid of some stuff - give things that no longer work for you away.  It doesn't matter how much an outfit costs you if it is always and forevermore just going to hang in your closet, because it looks terrible on you.  No amount of holding onto it is going to make it look better on you.  Whether it hangs in your closet or not, it still cost you the same amount to obtain it in the first place.  But it will never do more than take up room, and make you feel upset or guilty over not using it.  You could just tell yourself to ignore it.  Lots of people do.  Only it turns out that when those people finally give their closets a brutal sorting-through, they shout from the rooftops afterwards about how much lighter and freer they feel now.  How they can see exactly what they have now, and what they need.  They become excited over what they have again, because all the clutter's cleaned out.

Kel
 

Yeah the future was and will always be scary...  but at some point it became better than living another day with a betraying spouse.

I think the breaking.point is different for all of us.  I  did not have the strength to stay years. ..but it's well over a year..most of it as my gay ex learned how a divorce works..ie. she does not get alimony until I'm buried in the ground.