The "sex addict" bothered me too, mostly because I would like to give a link to the article to friends and family members!  However, in that other Minwalla article we've shared on here recently ("What they don't know will hurt them"), he really emphasizes not SAIT, but that the damage is from maintaining a compartmentalized, secret sexual world.  So I bet he would apply that definition to this list-of-13 now as well. 

In fact, in the "What they don't know" article, he actually seems to go to great pains to NOT use the words "sex addict."  Am gonna post the intro to that article right here so you can re-read, cuz it is just so good.  I feel validated every time I read it.  Ha

What They Don’t Know Will Hurt Them: The Hidden Dangers of Sexual Secrets

When it comes to understanding the harm caused by cheating, infidelity, and deceptive sexuality or relationships, people often tend to focus exclusively on the specific sexual or romantic behaviors that occur in these situations.

…But what about the negative consequences that result from the creation and maintenance of a secret, sexual world…one that is kept tucked away and hidden from the relationship?

... What happens when one person in the relationship engages in pervasive patterns of deceptive tactics and psychological manipulation over the course of months, or even years?

…In fact, the creation and maintenance of a deceptive, compartmentalized sexual-relational reality is often just as harmful, if not more so, than the actual sexual behaviors themselves.

Regarding the list-o-13, I think someone pointed out how a person works through all of these often at once, or many at a time, and circles through them again and again, especially any time new information comes out.  That is a BIG DEAL, IMO.  Having to reprocess everything again. 

I also found these two other sources that were connected and interesting:

https://togetherwecanheal.com/sex-addiction-induced-trauma-how-sex-addiction-impacts-the-partners/

Because the Minwalla article on the list of 13 is very dense reading, I went looking for a simpler summary.  This first link above, is to a blog written by a man who calls himself a recovering sex addict, and he explores the trauma from Minwalla's article in regards to his now-ex-wife. Caviat! I'm not really recommending this overall blog, and I don't love the "Rafiki my mentor" construct in this blog, but in this post, I do like how the author uses simpler language and lists to go deeper into the 13 items that Minwalla's article covers. IYou have to scan down a bit in the article to get to the start of the list.  Worth reading, IMO, for specific examples.

https://www.btr.org/betrayal-trauma-symptoms/

This second link, above, is to a podcast, but no worries, there is a full transcript below the recording.  (Sorry to all our men here about the female focus in this article!) I think this article is a great read, and not too long.  It mentions some of the Minwalla 13, but not all.  Especially interesting here is a list shared by one of this organization's coaches--some of these overlap with the Minwalla List-o-13:

11 Most Common Betrayal Trauma Responses

1. Overwhelming emotions
2. Unusual/uncharacteristic behaviors
3. Sleep difficulties– too much/too little
4. Brain fog--inability to think clearly, memory loss, getting lost easily
5. Eating problems--inability to eat/overeating
6. Anxiety/panic attacks
7. Depression
8. Rumination/obsessive thoughts and intrusive images/flashbacks
9. Difficulty caring for self or others
10. Isolation
11. Obsessive need to check the internet history, GPS, email accounts, text message history, etc. for signs that the danger is still present.

I don't remember where I read it, but somewhere I read that there is a huge similarity between these responses and those of rape trauma.  I feel it isn't right to say our trauma is the same as rape.  But it is still trauma--sexual trauma that denies our "personhood."  And I definitely have a lot of these common betrayal trauma responses.

BTW, some of these and other articles refer to how there is still a tendency by some practitioners to label partners of sexual secret-keepers as "codependent."  Just like the partners of alcoholics.  I just wanna say, and really loudly:  CODEPENDENT is a word that now makes me furious.  I hate being labeled as jointly responsible for my husband's secret.  This is one of the main points of the Minwalla article.  And then, because the betrayed partners present with all kinds of trauma symptoms, those trauma symptoms are taken to be the person's more normal behavior, which plays into the idea that the betrayed partner is actually the problem partner, while the secret-keeper is so familiar at their false persona that they are the easy-to-trust partner.  Thinking about that gets me grumpy.

Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (June 27, 2019 2:31 pm)

Same here. I am not now, nor was I ever co-dependent - although I was and labeled as that.

But I do understand why we are seen that way. Our response to our particular brand of trauma is often the same as a co-dependent response to something. The difference, of course, is that our response is a reaction to something that was done to us. 

One woman described it this way.... she said that if an animal has a thorn in its paw and you go to remove it. The animal will probably lash out and try to scratch or bite - not because the animal is aggressive, but because it is in pain. The biting or scratching would be a trauma response.  

So, for us, it is kind of the same thing. We start to become "needy" or acting in ways that we are uncomfortable with in order to please our partners, and that is also a trauma response. That is a response to the discard and distancing of our partners. A response to finding out that our spouses cannot love us as we thought and never will. It is a trauma response not a co-dependency response - even though they may look the same on the outside. I hope that makes some kind of sense. It is such a subtle difference, but such an important one.

Unfortunately, many counselors do not understand or believe in the brand of trauma we have experienced. I was reading an article and in the comments, someone (a PhD at that) said labeling "romantic disappointment" as trauma was just ludicrous and harmful to those who really have experienced trauma. Like OMO2F, I also don't equate what we have been through with rape in the same way I don't like to label my marriage as abusive, but still........

MJM017:

“A woman who loves too much.”  Gah!  That same love, in a healthy relationship, would be a gift to your partner, to your children, to all who came into your home, and to you also, as you would find your love reciprocated and reflected back—in a healthy situation. 

My therapist and I have explored how many common definitions of “Codependent” are actually behaviors our culture admires in wives and mothers.  So women are socialized to develop these behaviors.  Not sire if it is the same for men,

About comparing:  I guess I have been comparing things as a kind of thought exercise.  Like, “what is betrayal?”  “What is sexual assault?”

I think it does a disservice to things when we try to create a hierarchy. Or, if we pretend something is not anything just because it is not a particular thing.  Like my husband saying, “it was NOT intercourse!” OK, but it WAS seeking intercourse.  “It was NOT pay-for-view porn!”  OK, but is WAS a lot of free porn. 

“It was not rape” does not mean it wasn’t something else significant. 

I think comparing and contrasting just helps me see things better.  Dissecting.

Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (June 27, 2019 9:14 pm)

I can totally relate to a lot of what you're saying. I feel very stupid at times too. In the very beginning there were a few very small red flags. But they could easily be explained away with other things. And for the beginning of our marriage he seemed very into sex, initiated a lot, enjoyed it, etc. He was different than the other 2 guys I'd been with but he just seemed like sex was more of an emotional thing with him...isn't that what women everywhere say they want? LOL But none of that helps me to feel less stupid.

As for dating again. I just started seeing someone about a little more than a month ago. I finally left my husband 6 months ago. But I processed the situation and mourned the loss of our relationship years ago so I felt ready. And I am. I want to be with someone. Today he called and asked me to help him run some errands. "nothing too fun, but I want to see you" and God did that feel good. But, I'm having so much trouble trusting that the sex is real. I constantly think he's faking it or that I'm just convenient and he's with me until somebody better comes along. I hate it. He's a really nice guy who has been through a lot with his divorce...wife cheated and it devastated him to lose his family. He dated one other person and admits it was a rebound situation. I'm worried he's faking it with me and he's worried that he is my rebound guy. The damage done to us is ever lasting I'm afraid. 

I do really like him so I keep plugging along hoping those doubts will end soon. I guess that's the best we can do, right? 

I was doing really well for the last few months. Thought it was all behind me. Then BAM, we told the kids the other night and it all came back with a vengeance. I guess that's my way of saying you aren't alone.

*hugs*

a_dads_straight_journey wrote:

JKC, I think the grief kind of spirals over time. Your good for awhile then BAM .. it’s like stepping on the proverbial garden rake hidden lying on the lawn. Comes out of nowhere and hits you in the face. It fades again but Is annoying. I think we all have different triggers from our marriages.
I’ve come up with tactics that work about half the time for triggers. When the thoughts come I try to let them pass - not ignore or repress them but not feed them either. At a minimum I wait 2 minutes, sometimes 10, sometimes a day, before I address them with myself or my wife.

That sounds like a good description...garden rake to the face about sums it up. Your tactic sounds good. I find it very unhelpful to talk to my STBX about any of it. He will never admit that he screwed me over big time. To him the situation just is...it's not that he knowingly led me into a marriage that wasn't real. He's never said he was sorry. He does everything I ask divorce related though so I guess there's that. I make more than him and he could ask for alimony but he is waiving his rights to that. That would be the ultimate kick to my face if I had to literally pay him to go away. 

I'm glad you've found a way to get through the triggers. Mine come less and less often. It helps that he does finally admit he's gay. No more denying and gaslighting helps a lot.