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1 - NRG
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One Year Out
My ex wife admitted to me that she was a lesbian almost exactly one year ago. The first couple weeks of waiting for her to decide if she wanted to try and work things out were the worst in my whole life. We had been together 8 years, married for the last 2. She was my best friend for at least the last third or so of my life. One of my only friends that I trusted with much of my heart even before we were together.
I got divorced early this year. I was starting to think I was feeling truly better, had been crying less, sometimes even a week or so would go by. The last few days have felt so much worse than in a long time when I remember that it was exactly a year ago my whole life turned upside down. So many tears. It feels almost as fresh all over again.
I started dating again much too soon. Within the first month of everything really being over. The new girl moved in with me lately and I feel so guilty sometimes. I know she loves me, I can see it in her face. But I don't know how to really trust anyone again yet. Or if I will ever know how to trust anyone in the same way. I hate that sometimes the new girlfriend sees me cry about this, and I worry that she thinks it is her fault sometimes that I'm upset.
I don't know if I'd ever trust someone enough to marry again. What if someone wants to someday?
I didn't think that it would take so long to start being really better.
Our partners spent so much energy and effort into not letting anyone know. Yet, I still feel so stupid about all of this. Like I should have made sense of more of the signs I saw earlier on.
- karma8mykeys
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Re: One Year Out
I am so sorry you're having a difficult time. I think our partners were really good at selling us the fairy tale they wanted so badly for themselves, so badly they tried to ignore or compartmentalize. You are not responsible for that, none of us are. I'm new here, so I'll leave the wisdom to others. But you are not alone, and I truly believe it's going to get better with some rough patches along the way.
Much love to you
Last edited by karma8mykeys (June 24, 2019 7:26 am)
- MJM017
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Re: One Year Out
.
Last edited by MJM017 (July 12, 2021 5:27 am)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Mimi
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Re: One Year Out
NRG
I totally feel you. I’m almost 9 months out now. Left my GID husband. Healing takes time. Don’t be hard on yourself. Feel your feelings and let them through. One day sky will be less grey and more blue. I was ok for a whole month, until looking at a coffee mug I had bought with my husband brought me to tears. It happens. You are crying because you are still grieving an identity you’ve lost. It’s not her you miss. My husband was also my best friend and so it broke me when I found out i was deceived. You will learn to trust again.
As for dating, I recommend not getting into any relationship too fast. When people go through breaks ups and especially in our case, we long for validation from others. So another relationship may seem perfect but you need to heal first. I’m not saying what’s good for you, I’m saying to also be fair to the new woman in your life, take time to heal. One year is nothing.
Remember you are not your thoughts. Don’t suppress them. Go through the grieving process.
- OnMyOwnTwoFeet
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Re: One Year Out
NRG,
Your post made me weep. There is so much grief there. It is so complicated. I am not divorced, although I know I need to go that direction to start healing. I find triggers all over the place. Each new season, a plant, an Easter decoration, a song, a photo. Each of these memories hurts.
Some memories are painful memories of the distance and pain I felt in the marriage even before I knew about TGT, and they are more painful now with the new view. And then some memories that were happy no longer feel happy. Right now, everything looks like grief.
Even my interactions with my lovely children are twinged with grief—knowing their dad did not love me, knowing I am hurting them by divorcing and breaking up the “stable family,” knowing they all have pain of their own from the lack of warmth in our home and I wish I would have understood better so I could have been a better mom by modeling a better relationship.
It goes on and on and on, doesn’t it?
If you have not already, I hope you will read these two articles we’ve listed in here on some SSN discussions in the past few weeks:
“Great Betrayals,” by Ana Fels, NY Times editorial
“What they don’t know will hurt them” blog post by Omar Minwalla.
For other SSN members who have read the Minwalla post already, I recently found someone referring to (I think) a presentation Minwalla made, and there was a list of the many types of trauma and reprocessing that are required of the betrayed partner when they learn of the partner’s secret sexual life, as they work through “betrayal trauma.” I cannot find that list, but I will look and add to this thread if/when I do! It gave a lot of specifics to the work referred to generally in The NYTimes essay.
Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (June 25, 2019 12:46 am)
- lily
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Re: One Year Out
Hi NRG,
you say "the last few days have felt so much worse" and go on to say you think it is because it's a year ago that TGT hit. I'm sorry but it occurred to me that maybe there's a current reason for it.
The last time I found myself feeling really bad, it crept up on me and all of a sudden I realise omg I'm feeling really bad like I did when I was married and they were picking on me and I didn't realise it and actually it didn't take me long to realise I was being picked on behind my back in the current situation and so I stopped feeling bad and started feeling angry and was able to deal with it.
the question that came up in my mind was how come you are feeling guilty - are your buttons being pushed or is there a sense of it being a shared thing?
run out of writing time, hope you are okay, wishing you all the best, Lily
- OnMyOwnTwoFeet
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Re: One Year Out
In my post above I referred to this list. I thought I had seem it somewhere else, in more down to earth language. But here is the original. There is so much to process.
This is from Minwalla
Thirteen Dimensions of Sex Addiction-Induced Trauma (SAIT) among Intimate Partners and Spouses Impacted by Sex Addiction-Compulsivity©:
Discovery Trauma
Disclosure Trauma
Reality-Ego Fragmentation
Impact to Body and Medical Intersection
External Crisis and Destabilization
SAIT Hypervigilance and Re-Experiencing
Dynamics of Perpetration, Violation and Abuse (SAIP)
Sexual Trauma
Gender Wounds and Gender-Based Trauma (GBT)
Relational Trauma and Attachment Injuries
Family, Communal and Social Injuries
Treatment-Induced Trauma
Existential and Spiritual Trauma
Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (June 26, 2019 10:39 pm)
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: One Year Out
Thank you for posting that list, OMOTF. I have never seen it before, and never seen all these effects listed together, but reading over it it rings absolutely true to my experience.
My only "beef" with it is the name: I don't consider my ex a "sex addict," although he is definitely compulsive with respect to his sexual activities.
- walkbymyself
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Re: One Year Out
Mine absolutely has sexual compulsions. No question about it.
- a_dads_straight_journey
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Re: One Year Out
Thanks for posting. I can look back on the last 5 years and see what trauma I was processing when and how and still am. I want to explore the impact on children more. I believe this was harder on my son than I or my ex realize and he’s still dealing with it.
ADSJ