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1 of 1- WastedTime-NZ
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Thank you!!
Hi All,
I've recently found myself in this crazy situation. Found my husbands Grindr App looking for hook ups. I just wanted to let everyone know that finding this forum and all the advice has saved me!! I've felt so alone for so many years. Knowing something was just not right but being effectively gaslighted and told it was all in my head, my fault, being made to feel it was my own unrealistic expectations of what 'marriage' is. Since coming on this site I've realised how many of us have walked the same path and I'm not alone and I'm not crazy!
I can't tell anyone, speak to anyone. I moved to the other side of the world. Told I was too close to my friends and family but now I see it all so clearly. Why he wanted to get away. To live his life, to put me down. Its like we're deeper in the closet than they are. At least they know the truth. My husband has always been 'angry'. I know realise he's just an angry repressed homosexual. Dragged me into his closet and made my life hell for years. If I was better, if I was this or that things would be better I got told. I'm a pretty chilled out person so could never get it. Now I get it.
Just thank you to everyone who gives their time in this forum to support others! I hope you realise how amazing you are and how much your help us to get people like me through to the other side!!!
- karma8mykeys
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Re: Thank you!!
Ditto! This is actually my first post, but I've been lurking all week. It has been such a tremendous help reading other posts and seeing the same pattern over and over and over.
We're not crazy! We're not imagining things!
And then, you know, the rest of it..
Best to you, WTNZ.
- walkbymyself
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Re: Thank you!!
WastedTime-NZ wrote:
My husband has always been 'angry'. I know realise he's just an angry repressed homosexual. Dragged me into his closet and made my life hell for years.
This was a big issue for me, too. Before I made the discovery, both I and my daughter were always trying to navigate these seemingly irrational rages and resentments. It took me a while, after the discovery, but I started to suspect that my husband was just too Catholic to be able to rationalize doing what he did to me ... UNLESS somewhere along the line he was indulging the idea that some of it might be my fault.
It took him a long time to accept that I really am going through with this divorce -- he still grumbles about it -- but the other day, he finally acknowledged that I might be right about that, that he may have been seeking to find faults in me in order to justify what he was doing to me. And of course, if you want to find faults in me, it's not all that hard; I'm as imperfect as the next person.
Anyhow, welcome, and I'm glad we could be of help to you.
- MJM017
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Re: Thank you!!
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Last edited by MJM017 (July 12, 2021 5:21 am)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- lily
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Re: Thank you!!
Hi Wasted and Karma,
yes you pretty well summed it up. It is when you read here and see the same patterns emerge over and again that you can accept it really is the way you fear it is and hope it isn't - the nightmare is real.
One of the things that gets repeated over and over like he/she's my best friend is the sense that the relationship is special, and yet it turns out to be very common.
Eventually I felt literally traumatised by the round the mulberry bush conversations, I couldn't bear them any more and I couldn't imagine that other people were suffering in the same way but read here a while and it is like omg, it's a roomful of 'traumatised by the deceitful conversations' people!
And I felt ashamed to be feeling so un-loved, now I see how common that is too and it is so sad to recognise that it's not because we are unloveable, quite the reverse. what a lot of love to trash!
It is interesting that bisexuals tend to believe they're the enlightened ones amongst us, horrible, and a bit too scary for me to contemplate for long.
- OnMyOwnTwoFeet
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Re: Thank you!!
I've felt so alone for so many years.
Knowing something was just not right
being effectively gaslighted and told it was all in my head, my fault, being made to feel it was my own unrealistic expectations of what 'marriage' is.
Told I was too close to my friends and family but now I see it all so clearly. Why he wanted to get away.
To live his life, to put me down.
At least they know the truth.
My husband has always been 'angry'.
Dragged me into his closet and made my life hell for years.
If I was better, if I was this or that things would be better I got told.
I'm a pretty chilled out person so could never get it.
Now I get it.
Hi there WTNZ!
I pulled out all those comments of yours above into a list to look at each statement separately, and to remind myself how many things there are we are trying to work through.
Like Lily commented, it is amazing when we read things here that we could have written ourselves. Each of the phrases you write above is full of years of feelings. Confusion and pain.
About that last sentence, “Now I get it,” yes. And also no! I am not sure I ever fully will. I keep trying to understand it. I also finally had this sense that “not getting it” was part of the problem—Not a problem in me, but the nature of the overall situation. I think this is what Lily is referring to as the “here we go round the mulberry bush” conversations.
Circular
Head spinning
Gut wrenching
Whirlwind
Not knowing
Crazy making
Etc.
When I started seeing the confusion not as something I had to solve or figure out, but as a symptom of the disorder/abuse/problem/unhealthy relationship dynamics .... that helped me to start figuring things out.
Gaaaaaaah!
- Rob
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Re: Thank you!!
OMOTF,wtnz,
I think those thinks summarize my marriage. In a sentence i was always on egg shells..everything offended and upset her..not real angry most of the marriage but if
I look back hints of not TGT but narccism. Of course toward the end she became an angry raging person..as I was suddenly in the way of her new gay life and any all problems including world hunger I was to blame. The word I heard lately was "untenable"...her anger to this day is untenable.
Anyway the summary of wtnz's comments made me realize my life is not like that now..no eggshells in my daily life..no made up drama,slights and offenses...life has enough perils in it..i look back and i see how many people she had to fault and make feel,bad including me. The problem I recall is it worked on me but not on other people..those people she couldnt make feel bad had to be written off..so many good people and family im trying to reconnect with now.
Dont believe these spouses..what they say is not true.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7